"As you can see, the skirting boards are all as they were when the house was originally built in the 20's, a beautiful shade if I might add. Although, if you have a problem with the decor, I'm sure anything can be replaced relatively easily. I know a fantastic carpenter that would be-"
"It's fine," Val cut the realtor off, "I don't really care. Can I see the master bedroom?"
The realtor forced a smile and made her way to the staircase. Val noticed that she walked with confidence, slowly ascending the spiraling steps up to the top floor. Her skirt was slightly too short, showcasing goosepimpled thigh to Val and making her extremely uncomfortable. She followed slowly, unable to stop watching the realtors swaying hips. Chill Val.
"It's a complete steal," the realtor continued talking, unaware that Val had been ignoring her in favour of awkwardly staring at the lining of her underwear through her skirt, "the family that had it before you moved for job prospects, so were eager to sell as quickly as possible. I mean, with a house like this..."
The realtor trailed off as they reached the top landing. Choosing instead to walk quickly along the long hallway and to the final door, which she swung open with more speed than she had anything else in the entire tour. She beckoned for Val to enter the room, but stayed at the door herself.
"Here we are, the master bedroom," the realtor said, her smile tight and tense. It was a beautiful room, if not made slightly cramped by the sloping ceiling. Val wandered over to the windows and trailed her finger through the dust settling on the window sill. The realtor clearly noticed Val's dissapointment, since she rushed over and wiped the rest of the dust off with her hand.
"I'm sorry," she said, "no one's been in here since the previous tenants moved out. Their cleaner was slightly superstitious, I suppose, so it rarely was cleaned by anyone but the tenants themselves."
"Superstitious?" Val smirked, "isn't that a little cliche? What're you gonna tell me, there's ghosts?"
The realtor forced a laugh, "obviously not!"
"What's in the other rooms on this floor?" Val asked.
"I'll show you!"
And so the tour continued, concluding when Val saw the lavish study room on the second floor and decided instantly that she'd take the house. The realtor sighed a sigh of relief and got in her car, leaving with a check and a genuine smile.
---
Val moved in three days before christmas, bringing her meager supply of furniture and posessions from the flat she had rented previously. She spent a few days rearranging furniture, trying to figure out a way to make the space look like her own but ultimately coming up short. She found herself staring at her bookcase, a deep sadness pressing on her chest when she imagined Michael's substancial book collection alongside hers. But that was the past, not the present or the future, and ultimately she ended up binge watching romcoms and eating a 14" pizza to herself. She tried to forget the past had ever existed in the first place.
When she unpacked she was amazed to find a large walk in cupboard in the master bedroom that was quickly filled with a litany of useless junk that she'd gotten out of her parent's attic - christmas decorations and the like. No other cupboard in the house had as much space, and she was pleased to feel like she was being productive by filling it, despite the fact that she'd taken nothing out of the boxes they'd come in.
She passed out on her sofa that night, and when she woke up she found that she'd apparently knocked over her bottle of wine while sleeping. A dark red bleed on her white carpet that wouldn't come out no matter what she tried would haunt her for the rest of her life, and she ended up smashing the wine bottle against the counter in pure frustration. Most of the day was spent unecessarily angry over her own stupid mistakes and inability to function as a regular human being, apparently. It ended with her eventually locking herself in the cupboard in her bedroom, greatful of the complete darkness and slight draft.
For Val, the dark was almost endlessly comforting. It was a way of avoiding existance. When she was in the dark, she could pretend nothing else existed besides the sound of her own breathing and the aches in her bones if she sat still for too long. She'd always begin to panic and then turn all the lights off, letting perfect dark envelop her like a cool blanket. However, in that moment in that cupboard on that day, she felt her anger be displaced by a strange fear. She stood there for a few minutes longer, trying to quell it, before she eventually turned the light on in the cupboard.
There was a lock on the inside of the door, one she hadn't noticed when she was bringing boxes in. A lock on the inside of the door? she thought, her hand brushing over it. It was remarkably creepy.
A quick google suggested that perhaps it used to be a bathroom and had been converted into a cupboard, hense the lock on the door, but she wasn't so sure. The lock had been at the top, not near the handles. Unable to figure it out, she settled on the bathroom thesis and tried to put it to the back of her mind. She fell asleep in her own bed for the first time since she moved in, long after she'd gone to bed. Her mind was racing, trapped thinking about that lock.
When she awoke, her clock read 4.00am on the dot, and there was someone walking up the stairs.
At first she thought it was nothing, but as the slow methodic thumping of the echoing footsteps drew closer she began to panic. She knew there was no way she could get out without going down the staircase or killing herself without jumping out the window, but after a moment of raw fear she remembered the cupboard and quickly grabbed her phone and locked herself in. The lock slid smoothly into place just as the door to her bedroom opened.
She stood frozen, the darkness enveloping her like a blanket leaving only the sounds of her own breathing and slow, deliberate footsteps around the room. Her bones began to ache, the footsteps stopped right outside the cupboard door.
She checked her phone, too terrified to call anyone in case she was heard but unable to regardless. No signal. How typical. After what felt like hours, Val heard birdsong, and the footsteps retreated back downstairs. Her signal returned, and she immediately called the police.
When they arrived they found no evidence of breaking or entering but encouraged her to call again if she had any issues.
And she did, every night for three months. Because every night, she heard that climbing, and every night she had no signal, and every night she hid in that cupboard.
She eventually concluded that she was crazy and went to a therapist, who suggested she felt somehow guilty for Michael. They also suggested she move out of the house, as did the law enforcement and her mother. But she had no money, and the realtor wasn't picking up the phone, and Val didn't know the first thing about property law. So she got used to locking herself in the cupboard, she even started writing in there in her spare time.
Eventually she got cocky, and when she heard the footsteps stop outside the door she'd try and talk to the owner of them only to get no reply. It became a chore, really, just something she did every night at 4am. The only real downside was that she was falling asleep at 8pm every night because of all the early mornings.
The footsteps never came when she slept downstairs, or when she had friends over, but she lived in a sort of constant worry that one night the footsteps would come and she wouldn't be able to lock herself in in time. Weirdly, the downstairs cupboards were lockless, but every room on every other floor had at least one lockable compartment, which led Val to believe that the people that lived here before her had a similar problem. Google provided no answers, and the locals were distant whenever she mentioned where she lived. She found herself feeling like she was living in a budget horror movie, and one night she wasn't going to wake up.
Val lived this way for a year and a half, before one night she climbed into the cupboard as usual to find a glaring issue.
The door wouldn't lock.
---
"As you can see, the skirting boards are all as they were when the house was originally build in the 20's, a beautiful shade if I might add. Although, if you have a problem with the decor, I'm sure anything can be replaced relatively easily. I know a fantastic carpenter that would be-"
"Oh don't worry about it!" James said, "can I see the master bedroom?"
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Oh no. Oh no. Oh no! What about Val???????????
I know she's definitely deadExactly why I don't live alone and will hopefully always have pets in the house, so any weird noises can just be attributed to the cat and I don't have to freak out.
So I disagree that people will wonder about the realtor's significance in the story, since she clearly seems to know something about the weird happenings with the house. You gave us plenty of hints that way with her sort of tight, almost suspicious behavior. That said, I sort of agree that the nearly-seeing-up-her-skirt was unnecessary and distracting. But I'm not 100% sure I feel that way, because it does kind of highlight Val's discomfort.
I want to second MJTucker's point about calling emergency services. There's no proof, not a single hint - except Val's word - that there was ever a person in her house or anything, right? So I was expecting the police to at least fine her and tell her to quit calling, and then Val would have to deal with emergency services thinking she was crazy and also pay a fine and also have NO ONE to call when this happens. Which could up the tension in the story, because we know she's not crazy and possibly in danger.
Also, I find it a little weird that the footsteps don't come if Val sleeps downstairs totally in the open, but they come AND get her (somehow) when she's in the cupboard if it's unlocked. On that note, did the lock disappear? Or did it somehow break?
Hello wallacies,
I've never written a good thriller or mystery/suspense book, so most of this advice comes from my background of realistic fiction. It was a good read, and it was definitely enjoyable enough that I found myself sucked into the story rather than finding little nitpicks to point out to you. But, upon reread, I did have a few questions/suggestions for you.
1) How did Val have enough money to afford a clearly large and expensive house? There is never any description of an inheritance, and you mention her financial status as extremely low later on.
2) When Val fell asleep at 8 pm, did she wake up at 4 in the morning to hear the footsteps? We are told that she awoke every morning when these footsteps occurred and are given no indication there is an exception for these, but she also is unable to take any action.
3) This piece seemed just a tad rushed. I say this for a lot of pieces, but it's a common mistake many short story writers make, and I'll admit that I'm guilty of it myself. For a suspense piece, building up emotion really is the climax and the peak of the novel, and we didn't quite get that few-paragraph long climax that comes to a good conclusion
4) The details about Val looking at the realtor's skirt was only a distraction, and didn't really add to the plot. I would take that out, because it's the only part that could be considered mildly inappropriate, and it isn't necessary to the plot or character development.
5) There were a handful of grammar errors, but nothing too major and it wasn't a huge distraction from the story or a problem to the point where I felt it needed to be urgently addressed.
6) If she called the police on such a regular basis for no apparent reason, she would undoubtedly be arrested for abuse of 911, and that might even happen after the first time. They would probably also take more action than simply telling her to call again, such as insisting she move or possibly sending her to a medical hospital instead of simply a therapist.
Overall, great work here and I look forward to reading an edited version or future works!
Best wishes,
MJ
Hello wallacies,
I've written a few mystery and thriller pieces myself, so I'm a little familiar with the formula required to produce a really great and effective mystery story. It's very rare that I find this around YWS, so I'm totally excited to give it a review.
Concept
I think your concept is good for a mystery piece. It's not overly complicated, because otherwise that could bring down the foundations of the thrill of the work. It's easy for readers to understand and, most of all, quite easy for readers to imagine themselves in a similar situation. That, of course, can be slightly unnerving, but that's the point. However, I do not feel that you really embraced the concept fully. While the repeated presence and effects of the footsteps/hiding in the cupboard are made evident and understood, I feel as though the follow-through lacked at the end. It was too sudden of an ending, too simple, and, frankly, a little unexciting considering the nature of the story. I feel that, because of this, you lost the thrill that is so evident throughout the general body of your story. With all that said, I would suggest a revision of the ending to make it more effective and follow through with your story's concept.
Unclear and Distracting Details
I think something that detracted from the general thrill and mystery of the work was the inclusion of details that were either vague/ambiguous or simply irrelevant. For example, at the very beginning when Val is appreciating the realtors short skirt, I do not think this information adds in any way to the story. It's distracting and actually a little confusing for the reader, since it's so out of left field compared to rest of the story's content.
Furthermore, it is never clarified what is the realtor's role and knowledge of the haunted house. Of course, I am not asking you to be explicit about it in your writing, but I think you once again need to focus on that follow-through to retain the thrill and relevance in your story. I am merely urging you to be clearer with your intentions and also tidy up some loose ends, so that when the story has ended, it actually feels like a legitimate ending. An important thing to take away from this is not that I am asking to have a complete ending where everything is laid out on the table for the reader, but rather an ending wherein the readers are not left questioning what I would consider very fundamental aspects of the story. It's fine if the readers are left questioning what exactly happened to Val, but it is not fine if the readers are left questioning Val's sexual leanings or the realtor's relevance to the plot. Right now, it feels as if some very important things are floating in mid-air, unattached to the plot when, clearly, they are either extraneous detail that needs to be removed or actually important and need to be elaborated upon.
Emotion
Overall, I felt like you had a good command of suspense and related emotions throughout the story. The only issue was that it felt a bit rushed, which is a shame in a mystery piece, when build-up is so important. So, slow down!
Nitpicks
Here are a few minor nitpicks. These are easily rectified and easily avoided if one proofreads quickly before posting - since most were punctuation or spelling errors.
20s with no apostrophe, since this is not a possessive
There should be a period after "off", not a comma, since it is the end of a sentence. The dialogue following is the start of a new sentence.
Capitalize "obviously".
Capitalize "Christmas" because it's a proper noun.
It's "meagre" and "possessions".
Substantial
"Christmas" is a proper noun.
Hence
Bathroom thesis? What?
Overall, I enjoyed this piece. I think it can benefit from being fleshed out more and I would love to read the final product, if you get to it. Do let me know if you have any questions, comments, or concerns.
Keep writing,
Lavvie
Thank you so much for such a detailed and informative review! I'll definitely take it all on board when I revise the piece. I originally wrote it as a 15 minute writing exercise, hence the abrupt ending, and uploaded it here mainly to see where people found faults with it, so I'm glad you've replied as you have!!!!!
And ur right, I probably need a proofreader hahaha. Anyway thank you for reading, I hope you have a good night. I'll be sure to let you know if I edit or rewrite the piece, if you're interested in reading it! <3