Imagine - The Health Food Edition • Young Writers Society

Imagine - The Health Food Edition

A parody of "Imagine," originally composed by John Lennon and Yoko Ono.

Imagine there's no carbohydrates
It's easy if you try
No fats and oils
From the foods you fry

Imagine all your snack foods
As healthy as General Mills
Ahaaaaah

Imagine there's no sugar
To make the kids act high
No artificial colors
That turn your teeth the color of the sky

Imagine all those diets
Actually making you slim
Yoohoo

You may say I'm a dreamer
And that I am the only one
I hope you'll join me for breakfast
Over Chex Mix and milk

Comments

Points: 163
Reviews: 8

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Tue Jan 15, 2019 10:15 am

Drkinjal says...

Classic one !

And specially these line ...

"No artificial colors
That turn your teeth the color of the sky"

I went back into my childhood . Such a sweet writing.

Nice sarcastic lines. But i would like you write more . I felt it was small according to content vise.

Points: 249
Reviews: 27

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Tue Nov 25, 2014 6:38 pm

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JinxGrey wrote a review...

I found this to be very humorous.I like the way you made a set of lyrics about healthy eating.It had a very uplifting message.I thought its a great parody.I like the flow of it as well as the rhythm.I also liked the rhyming scheme.I did see any grammar mistakes.It is very entertaining and true.I hope people start to eat healthy as well.Good luck!!!

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Mon Nov 24, 2014 4:05 pm

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Collideascope wrote a review...

Hey,

This was a interesting read, I admit. I like the concept here. My biggest nitpick about this poem is the lack of punctuation. It's a beautiful poem you have a nice use of vocabulary and smooth wording. But the lack of punctuation is killing me. I understand of course that punctuation is really the poets choice but still the poem should end with a period at very least.
Also, I feel like you didn't really need the yoohoo and ahaaaah parts. They take away from the main focus of the poem and feel kinda chunky and out of place in this poem. I'm done nitpicking now. What I liked about this poem was the idea that I can see. You carried it nicely through out the entire poem without over using any words. Nice job,this is a very good piece keep writing!
Sincerely,
Collideascope

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Reviews: 158

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Mon Nov 24, 2014 3:50 am

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Corncob says...

Ok this is going to be featured. We all know it.

Points: 4984
Reviews: 621

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Mon Nov 24, 2014 3:29 am

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Rook wrote a review...

Hello! Here to save you from the green room~
So I really like this concept, and I like the song you based it off of.
Just the idea of eating healthy in a song like this is wonderful!

I think the main problem here is that it doesn't fit with the rhythm in parts. For example

That turn your teeth the color of the sky

That is a lot of syllables to stick into one place that doesn't have room for them. I think this is a problem because you're trying to find things that rhyme and fit, but it's really hard. I'd usually tell you to drop the rhyme scheme, but here it's pretty important. So maybe spend a little more time trying to find rhymes that don't stick out from the rhythm as much.
The first line is also a good example of the rhyme rhythm. Try to sing it and see if that shows you where the trouble spots are.

Also,

Over Chex Mix and milk

That does not rhyme with its coordinating line, and so the ending just kind of falls flat like a pancake falling on the floor.
Also... Chex Mix and milk? Like pouring milk in Chex Mix? Maybe in Chex cereal, but Mix? Gross. And why would you have it for breakfast?

I'm torn on the "ahaaaah" and the "Yoohoo" parts. I feel like they would be better to not be there... but then again, it give the song a familiar shape. Maybe you could make them italic? Do what you want.

That's basically all I have. I really like the content of what you have, it was clever and well-thought-out.

Great job, keep writing!
~fortis