Published November 30, 2011
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
overall its pretty good. There are a few things you could look over though:
Its best if you don't start with "but"you've also got some great description, but the story would be even better with more. Give me more emotions and expressions; Chloe would have felt so many different things at once.
Everything else seems good. The story also seems pretty interesting. Good work!
I have to say the chapter was rather short, a bit too short for my liking, but I still liked it, to some degree. I think the whole, "drops the phone in shock" scene is a bit cliché, and if you haven't seen my other reviews, don't feel bad, because honestly, clichés are a massive pet peeve of mine. Also, I think a bit more of an, I don't really know how to put this, but put more of an introduction into the beginning of the story..? What I mean by that is don't let the climax, action, or big revelation (in this case the big revelation) come to soon or early in the story. Maybe add some details beforehand, maybe have a scene going on before the event takes place, or anything else to I guess, juice up the story. Besides that, or those things, I think it was fine and good enough to get a 6/10 in my mind because the ending set me up to wonder about what's with the ghost, the locket, the window, and why those are all connected, or if they even are connected. Hopefully you will use what I said (or just some of it) to improve your work. I'm not an expert, so don't feel crushed.
Write on!