I am 21 now, dealing with so much I feel my head is going to burst.
I don't have any boyfriend, and am neither planning on, which leaves me with getting tied in an arranged marriage. Personally asked, I do not want to marry. But knowing the society I live in, I probably will (have to).
And no, I am not dealing with the marriage issues right now, it is just the thought of it- what will happen in coming few years of my life.
Marriages are among the most celebrated events everywhere in the world. I am sure it has worked for most, but I am not so sure about my own self. I do not want to be attracting anything negative but I cannot help but wonder- do I really want to marry?
My individuality, my dreams, my freedom, my entire life, which I have so independently lived, making my own choices, getting whatever I want to, all of it seems at a risk. The persons closest to me have had shittiest married lives, on top of that me being raised with an independent mindset, I so do not see myself just giving up all I have lived to become.
Leaving my home, going to live in this new place, with new people, and trying so to prove myself worthy, trying hard to impress them, be a 'good' wife, a 'good' daughter-in-law, it just feels too much for me to handle, and I cry hysterically as I even type. (I put the word 'good' in quotations, because I am an excellent person and I am sure I will carry happiness wherever I go. But if the measure of my 'goodness' is if I can cook, or if I am obedient,or the like, that is where the problem lies.)
The questions haunt me so much- Will my views, opinions and likings be as respected as they are now? If today there is a dinner I do not feel like going, I can just say so and not go, after being a wife, can I still vouch for how I feel? Do I still have a right to say no? Do I still have a right to do what I want? Do I still have a right to live at all?
I cannot quite fathom my thoughts and feelings right now, they are all over the place. Pretty clothes, fancy honeymoon and sex are the only three supposedly good things I can think about marriage, and there is so much to lose in the process, I can live without the three, seriously.
P.S. one doesn't even need to marry for those things.
Next thing I feel terrorised about is the Mother-In-Law and Daughter-In-Law quarrels. I understand my Mum-In-Law (I do not even have one and I am already prejudiced) would be insecure (most are) about her son's love and attention being shared, BUT HELLO? I AM LEAVING BEHIND AN ENTIRE LIFE AND I CANNOT EXPECT SUPPORT OF ONE PERSON?
Above-mentioned was the later bit that I am worried about. Besides the future-marriage dealings, at present I am burdened with the expectation from all around to be a good wife, a good daughter-in-law, to learn to cook, to keep my room cleaner, mind you, all of it not for myself but so I can be a better wife. The added societal pressure of looking good, losing weight, all of it combined just makes me feel so not good enough.
Right now, if I feel like I need a me-time, I can just go out at a coffee shop or for shopping or something and do what I feel like, buy what I feel like. If freedom is the price I will pay for marriage, I am not so sure if I do want to get married.
Thank you for hearing me out. This is probably just a phase I am going through, and will likely have a pretty happy married life. My thoughts are with ladies across the world who have lost themselves, their identity and their dreams after marriage. Now should be yet another time I acknowledge how grateful I am for my independence and the education that I receive.
Please share your thoughts about this piece of work. How are marriages like in your country? Do you know of anyone going through what I spoke about? Or do you have any advice for me? Drop in?