Published July 1, 2013
I was walking to the park one fall day. There wasn't one kid my age around hear. All the kids in my grade are too afraid to hang out here on weekdays because it's where all the regular 'gangs' hang out after school. Well, the only way to get to John's house was to walk straight through here. With luck I'd get there alive. Relax, John does this every day, I told myself, but soon remembered that he was safe because his older brother was the leader of the high-school gang that ran everything around here. Though Finnly park is small and miserable-looking, apparently that's the best place for gangs to hang out. I was almost through the park, right at the edge by the big oak tree when I ran into the one and only Drake Marcus and his gang. I took a look around for something to hide by. Drake never really gave me any trouble. You stay out of their way, they stay out of your's; but sadly something as simple as making eye contact with any of them is already “getting in their way” not to mention I was in their territory.
I made my way to the big oak and leaned on the trunk as casually as I could, but I felt them making their way towards me. They all surrounded Drake—five of them in all—in a practiced square. It all depended on what they thought of me that ultimately decided of they'd go easy on me (which did happen sometimes) or hard on me (which happened more than sometimes.)
They got to the tree after what seemed like forever.
“Who's this shrimp?” Drake asked.
“That's Tom Connel,” one of his goons said.
Something flashed in Drake's eyes right then. I'm not sure what but it was gone after a second.
“Tom the Bomb?” he asked me.
It was like I was never gonna live that one down. It was a nickname I got when me and some guys accidentally made a test tube explode on a field trip to some science center two years ago in the fourth grade.
I nodded.
He nodded too.
“You're not bad, Tommy boy,” he said like he was considering his options. “Tell you what: You climb this tree and fetch me that kite up there. Then we'll all go our separate ways, Tommy. No need to look so scared, now.
The boys around him all turned to him in surprise at the simplicity of this task. He paid no attention. The edges of his lips twitched. “That alright with you, Tommy?”
I have to admit that I was surprised too. I had heard a lot of crazy stuff that Drake made people do. Climbing a tree wasn't one of them.
I gave him another nod.
That kite had been there at the top of that fifty foot oak for as long as anyone could remember. It pretty much represented Finnly park.
But I found a low branch and hoisted myself up. Sure, I'd climbed trees before, but never this tall, but the old oak's branches were thick and stable so I started climbing, just like that. I felt five pairs of eyes on me. They'd started making bets already.
Bet he'll wimp out at 20 feet.
Bet he'll fall before that.
I heard laughter under me, but soon enough I was too far up to hear the guys.
I didn't want to look down. I told myself not to but it happened anyway. I took one look below me and I couldn't see the ground from where I had come. I must've been more that thirty feet up now. Then all of a sudden I felt dizzy and started to lose my balance. I grabbed around for a branch but missed and just as I had braced myself for the fall, something caught me. My eyes were shut tight so I couldn't see what. I opened them to see a pair of arms linked under mine.
Someone caught me.
“You okay?” she said.
It was a girl.
“I—I'm okay,” I stuttered.
“Good that. On your feet, then.”
I stood up on the branch I had been standing on before.
“Follow me,” the girl said, “I can get you to the top.”
So I followed her up through the tree branch by branch and we climbed in record time.
Then soon enough I saw a flicker of color and I realized that the kite was only so many feet away now. I sped up a bit and then soon enough it was right in front of me.
“We made it,” I said, sitting on a particularly thick branch and put my pack against the trunk of the tree for support.
“You made it,” the girl said, sitting on a branch beside me.
I looked over at her sitting there. Dark straight hair blowing in the wind. Green eyes thoughtful. She looked about my age.
“What's your name?” she asked, turning to me.
“Tom,” I said. “What's your's?”
“Emilia,” she answered.
I looked around to the kite and I started reaching out for it.
“What are you doing?” Emilia asked.
I paused. “I'm taking the kite.”
“No!” she said and smacked my hand away.
“You can't. It's mine,” she said firmly.
“But I can't go back down without it,” I said.
“Well you don't have to go back down.”
And for a second I was willing to stay up here, fifty feet up in the air with this strange girl.
“Fifty feet up...” I thought out loud.
“Better than six feet under.” she said.
I wasn't sure if she was making a joke. I looked around at the view before me. I could see every gang planning attacks, pointing people out. I could see John's house right across from the small street below me. Staying up here wouldn't be too bad. But soon memories of food and water and on-the-ground things and people filled my mind and I said, “I should go back down now.” I hesitated, “You can have the kite.”
She smiled appreciatively, then it faltered and she asked, “Will I ever see you again, Tom?”
“Sure you will,” I answered right away. Her smile returned.
“Then I think I'll stay up here a while,” Emilia said, now leaning back on the trunk of the tree.
“Okay.” I hesitated, then started making my way back down the tree. I looked back up at the girl.
“Goodbye, Emilia,” I said.
She looked down and smiled at me.
“Goodbye, Tom.”
It was only when I had gotten all the way back down that I noticed how much time had passed. The boys had long-since left and I was glad I wouldn't have to deal with them. For now.
I walked around the tree to see if I could spot Emilia at the top when I tripped on something and fell to the ground.
I got up quickly and saw it was some kind of plaque. I leaned down and read the words in the orange light of the setting sun.
“IN MEMORY OF EMILIA EVANS”
Then there was an engraving of a kite under the words. A rotting rose lay next to the plaque along with a picture taped to the tree.
It was a picture of a girl, my age, sitting on a low branch of the tree, with dark, straight hair blowing in the wind. Green eyes thoughtful.
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140,224 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
I enjoyed the story, it was pretty nice but the ending was quite dull... he realises she is a ghost dun dun... DUN... and done... you know? You could add something more to it... I can't tell you what because I would alter your story... but look into it some more. And as some other reviews around here said... you could have added some more description. But long story short... I liked what you wrote here.
Only a few grammar and spelling errors. I thought this had a pretty generic setting at first, but as it went on I started become more interested. The main character doesn't have too much information about him, but that's understandable. I was also a little bit confused about the character Emilia Evans, I suspected something a little paranormal about her when she was introduced, though.
At the end it was kind of strange, but still kind-of a shocker. It's a good read, well done.
Thanks Quilboar, glad you liked it
Sentences/Fragments I liked:
"Green eyes thoughtful." -especially after the way you repeated it at the end. That gave a very nice finish to the piece, and really strikes a chord within the reader.
Sentences/Fragments that can change:
"It all depended on what they thought of me that ultimately decided of they'd go easy on me (which did happen sometimes) or hard on me (which happened more than sometimes.)"-I would improve the sentence structure here. You don't want it to seem like a run-on sentence, or rambling, so I would condense this. Following up on this, you did use varied sentence structures but I would use more. You use simple sentences quite often. You can review simple, compound, complex, loose, and periodic types of sentences.
"I looked around to the kite and I started reaching out for it." This sentence seems a little bit forced. I think what is bothering me is the "looked around to" part. I would search for an alternative way to style the diction here. You can replace that with "searching, glanced upon the kite". I would change the sentence completely into: "I turned my gaze away from the girl and towards the kite, reaching out for it." or something like that.
"Then there was an engraving of a kite under the words."-An important thing to remember when writing and what I've always been taught in school, is to refrain from using unnecessary words in literature. You don't need the word "Then". You can just simply say "There was an engraving of a kite under the words". The word "Then" is dragging the sentence out. Try going back and condensing some of your fragments and sentences by taking weak fragments out and replacing them with either a.)a stronger sentence structure or b.) a higher vocabulary choice and you should be set!
Generally, it was a cute story but it was kind of predictable. My suggestion to change that would be to add more suspense throughout the story and build more to the plot. Also, you have a weak introduction. I would have your main character maybe encounter something symbolic (not the kite though) that holds relevance to the young girl as well. You format the dialogue well, but I would just like to emphasize that the main character does not always have to initially be in contact with people. He can simply see something (a material), or maybe hold a memory, or even being in contact with his own thoughts. I would just elaborate more between the dialogue, providing more detail and attaching the characters to the reader. For example, I would go into more example of what the girl was wearing (other than her hair and green eyes). You are good at description, you should take advantage of that so describe More! And use a ton of adjectives and incorporate Feeling as much as you can! You'll be on your way!!
Good luck!
thanks for the review! really helped and I'm glad you liked the idea.
Thanks for reading,
~vivien
"Then soon enough I saw a flick of color"
It probably should be fleck or flicker. The hybrid doesn't work
right, thanks--how do I edit this?
never mind, got it
Hey I liked reading your small story. It flowed all pretty well together and your main character was presented well too and so was the girl. I thought the ending was interesting how the girl turned out to be a ghost and if Tom would really see her again. Good Job:)
thanks sarahnsnow, I'm glad you liked it
Hi there, vivien.
I like the idea of the story, and I like how you got your character to the top of the tree. The motivation for the character to do that is there, and it sets it up well for the girl.
There are, however, some things you could improve on to make this story a lot better.
To get this out of the way, your format is distracting. I don't even see poetry these days center aligned, let alone short stories. It was very odd to read. You should change it to left align so the format doesn't distract the reader from the actual story.
Slow down. Everything moved very fast, and while I was entertained by the story, I want more description. I don't mean to describe every little thing, no, please, please don't take this critique and do that. When you walk in a park, think about what you notice. It's easy to say, I was walking in the park one fall day, but really, what are you seeing? This rule is called show, don't tell. In this story a lot, you're telling. I want to be immersed in the story, not told what is happening. Instead of saying,
You could say
I added the thing about the bike because while the other motivations for characters to do things is fairly obvious, I didn't know why Tom was going to the park. Make sure characters have motivations for whatever they do.
Apart from that, I don't think that you should reveal that the girl was a ghost. You should leave the audience wondering what the girl was doing up there. Also, I wanted her to impart some kind of wisdom (other than the "better than six feet under" line, which was cute) to Tom, and make this into an epiphany story, rather than something that was supposed to make the reader wonder, but didn't. I want more mystery in the story, and less closure. The ending felt tacked-on to me.
Altogether, I like your idea, but you need to work on letting the reader wonder, and slowing down and being in the scene. I hope that this review was helpful to you. Keep writing!
Thanks for the review magpie! it did help me out. I agree, I should describe the surroundings but I think the reason it turned out this way is because this used to be way longer and I think I lost a lot of important details when revising.
Thanks so much,
~vivien