CHAPTER 1 (sorta...)
I got to the aquarium five minutes before I told him to meet me. The day was almost perfect. It was warm with a wind that made everything seem perfect. The harbor water had small waves that curled softly and rocked the boats. After sitting for a few minutes gazing around and watching children run past and people go about their Sundays I saw him.
He was walking slowly looking around not seeing me. He looked around like a kid lost in a mall, panicky as if believing I wasn't going to show. He really could be quite adorable when he didn't realize I was watching him. Suddenly my phone started to buzz and the picture of us upside down on my couch showed me he was calling. I answered the phone saying, "Hey what's up?" There was a short pause before he said, "Not much just walking by the aquarium. Greta where are you I thought we were meeting at noon?" I laughed and raised my hand waving to him and his eyes light up. Hanging up the phone I stood and began walking towards him. He raised his eyebrows to me in challenge and I picked up my pace into a run. As I reached him I dropped my bag and jumped into his arms as he spun around hugging me.
We laughed as he put me down and hugged again. We had seen each other two weeks ago but it felt good too hug him again. Buddy had been my best friend for two months now. Yes I know that doesn't really make sense to most people but it makes sense to us and that's all that matters. He grabbed my hand and we walk towards the ticket stand for the aquarium. "I've missed you! It seems like we only talk over the phone lately." He said this as he pulled money out of his pocket to pay for his ticket. All of his bills were crumpled and balled. Same old Buddy he's almost never not a jumbled mess. "I missed you too I have so much to tell you." He smiled buying our tickets and flirting with the girl behind the counter. That's the one thing about Bud you have to fight for his attention. I pulled him to my body sliding my arm around his waist and he laughed pulling me closer.
We walked into the aquarium and what felt like millions of small children ran around us. Tons of young mom's with strollers trying to watch their kids and toddlers pressing their faces against the glass of the tanks. "So where to?" I asked this letting him guide the way. "Let's go see the dolphins." I laughed sighing, "Bud that's all the way in the back of the aquarium we'll pass everything trying to get there." He pouted like a four-year old. "BUT THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO START!" This only made me laugh harder. "We'll see everything else first anyway." I was usually the voice of reason between the two of us. "No we wont." He pulled a bandanna from his back pocket and tied it around my eyes. As my world went black I felt Buddy's hands on my waist. "I'm going to guide you until the dolphins. That way you wont be tempted to look at anything else." I stayed blindfolded for about fifteen minutes just listening to the sound of Buddy's voice in my ears. Sometimes they would be, "hold on there are people in front of you" or "Whoa trash can! Don't want to bump into that." But mostly it was a lot of , "What if I walked you into a closet and left you there." and "Oh my god I just saw a celebrity. Bummer you missed it." He ran me into quite a few things but never anything seriously harmful. We got to the dolphins eventually and the rest of the animals. We danced with the jellyfish, played tag through the glass with the sharks and spoke to the dolphins.
After seeing everything in the aquarium we collapsed on the grass outside of the main building under the huge metal statue. Buddy rolled over on top of me making a face and tickling me. "You know your my best friend right?" I laughed, "Of course NO ONE ELSE WANTS YOU!!" He laughed slightly but then got really seriously, "I love you Greta your like the sister I've always wanted." My heart fell. sister? How could someone I was in love with me see me as a sister. He smiled at me, "I know you love me too Greta. You do don't you?" I smiled halfheatedly replying, "Of course I love you.Forever and always B." He kissed me on the lips, "Good because your going to be mine forever and always." That was exactly the problem....
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well..this was a interesting start here, for the most part it was a pretty enjoyable read but I do have to say there were a couple of issues I spotted that I'll talk about in a bit more detail down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...this seems to be a fairly sedate start here, we have a person just going out to what appears to be a fairly randomly chosen location to meet someone that at this point we can't really see the importance of...so...kind of a neutralish start...not the most attention grabby one I'd say but that's not too bad.
Okayyy...so that was a lovely introduction to these twoo...that small interaction there just has some lovely details woven in there which tell you quite a bit about the kind of relationship these two might share and what they're personalities, all in just those couple of sentences that they meet. This is definitely quite lovely to see in the first chapter of a story here.
Oooh...so they are best friends...it wasn't my first assumption, but then it does also make quite a bit of sense, especially with the actions and thoughts that we've got going on in this particular paragraph. You do get a clear sense that these are two people that very much enjoy each other's company and so far its all been a lovely and rather wholesome start right here.
Alright....well that was a bit of a rush...I feel like the pacing started out nice and slow to let us get to know these friends and the relationship that they share but then the way they explore aquarium in what appears to be half a paragraph that just so happens to also be connected to a paragraph with that pacing leads to a situation where it feels like this just rushed through this one part all of a sudden, almost like the author here was a bit too lazy to write about that...as in I'm not saying that's what's happened here, its just the way it appears with how its written. At any rate, you should look into at least doing some sort of transition there with a couple of spaces or a timeskip...otherwise this current rush just doesn't quite read as well as the rest of this chapter does.
OKay...well that was a bit of a confusing ending...it just took a rollercoaster ride of opinions almost, person A wants to pursue some sort of romantic relationship, then person B seems to suggest that's not the case but then, person B just kisses here...which seems contradictory to that earlier thing and then person A's reaction to said kiss seems contradictory to her opinion earlier...its just a bit of a weird ending right there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this isn't too bad of a premise here, but I feel especially that ending needs a bit of thinking before you decide exactly where you want this story to be going. That slight pacing also needs a look, but otherwise, this wasn't a bad first chapter here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, I really appreciate you formatting this story. It's much easier on my eyes now. Thank you again, now let's get down to the nitty gritty here.
Ominous, awesome: however, from that first paragraph -I'm not feeling that anything is amiss. It's nice and hot outside, but there's some wind to cool things down. It's a relaxed Sunday. The ocean is behaving. Was this a purposeful use of foreshadowing of "the problem" brought up in the last line?
That amused me. The narrator makes it sound like this is a habit of theirs -watching their significant other without their knowing. The first thought that came to mind? CREEPER ALERT! going off.
This is the perfect opportunity for me to bring up -vary your sentence structure. It's continually the same feel, which gives no sense of pacing. Furthermore, this particular sentence is "clunky" -it sounds awkward due to the phrasing: "the picture of us upside down on my couch showed me he was calling."
My suggestion would be to re-work that segment into:
My phone buzzed. The screen revealed a photo of us. We were hanging out upside down on my couch, you know -a regular Tuesday night. Underneath the photo, I noticed the bolded name: Buddy.
My suggestion works for the entire piece, really. It needs some polishing to give a better sense of fluidity.
All right, this sparks some confusion for the reader. You have two different characters' dialogue within the same paragraph. You commit this grievous sin (don't take me too seriously here, I'm trying to be overly dramatic) repeatedly. For ease of reading and no confusion, I suggest you do this.
I answered the phone, "Hey what's up?" ("with" sounds redundant to me, but that's purely a stylistic choice on my part.)
He paused for a moment. "Not much just walking by the aquarium." Buddy glanced around -still looking for me, "Greta where are you?" He scratched the back of his neck, "I thought we were meeting at noon." (By breaking up the dialogue, the reader gets a better feeling of how the lines are being delivered and again -it helps with pacing.)
I laughed. Raising my hand, I waved at him. His eyes lit up.
I appreciate these lines. We have Buddy flirting with a complete stranger. The narrator's commentary on it that is subtle as his/her reaction to it. This was seriously awesome how the narrator reminded Buddy with touch, "Hey, you. I'm still here." It was very light-hearted and slice of life.
I get what you're trying to go for, but no matter how I read this. The capitalizations lends to screaming rather than the playful protest I imagine you were trying to insinuate here. My advice is to stay away from all capitols unless you're trying to go for shouting (the connotation for me is angry shouting or overly exaggerated as with friends.)
He laughed slightly, but then got really serious.
In general, look over your sentences. The use of a comma denotes taking a breath. I would suggest it for:
"I know you love me, too." He stared at me for a moment, "Greta." Buddy searched my face -insecure for a moment, "You do, don't you?"
As stated before it lends to pacing and makes it easier to read. Commas are your friends, trust me. Without them, I imagine Buddy just running through the lines without any breaks.
This has got some real potential. I particularly loved her reprimanding Buddy for flirting in her presence. I do hope you continue writing. Check for minor errors such as your vs. you're. I've got to say: solid work.