The girl you see walking down the street with her eyes on the ground is not stuck up or trying to ignore you. She is just trying to escape into her mind and get away from most of her troubles. So the girl you see with dark brown hair and a died mixture of an odd blonde and bluish green is not stuck up or a hermit, she is just that girl with too much on her mind and a psyche that has had enough torture in its life span.
She tries her hardest to listen to the invisible voices and looks of disapproval of the school . She has many responsibilities, after all, a life hangs in the balance. Her mother would literally kill herself if she had pills wrong or her daughter left.
So the girl you see walking down the street is complicated, she looks at the ground to try and escape her life. she would do it for real but to kill herself and go to hell just to see her mother a couple days later dead after killing herself isn't worth it. The girl drags her feet against the cement backpack in tow.
She is no one. She looks in the mirror and sees a person she has never seen before, the girl in the mirror continues to stare blankly at her. Numb. She doesn't care about herself she only cares for others and sometimes she doesn't care about anything at all she is numb to the world, no school, no complaining, no anything. She is just numb. This might drag on and this might bore but no one really cares do they? Numb to the world the girl lies on the floor and closes her eyes soaking in the surrounding noise. She loses herself in her mind and disappears; sometimes she is in there for hours not easily distracted.
The girl remembers a book she once read, it said you can will yourself to death she has tried so many times. Once she thought she was close but to her dismay it didn't work, maybe next time is her thought always. Maybe next time.
Her hope lies in the future on travel and not knowing were she will be next. That's in the future years from now, dreaming of the day she can fly away.
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140,568 Literary Works • 673,460 Reviews
Hello! This was a nice story, but it doesn't seem quite complete. It's really short and you know, not complete. We know part of her back-story, but it doesn't seem like enough. At the end of the third paragraph, the word tow should be tow. At the beginning, you say "The girl you see" but at the end, we hear her thoughts. Your jumping in between point of views. Thank-you and Happy New Year!
Hey viv!
You've a wonderful piece here. Aadygirl's here to review!
The title and description...
The title is quite suitable to the situation. Very mysterious and eerie, so to say. However the description isn't very appealing. You could describe your work a little more, to increase the reader's interest.
The content
Your piece of writing here is quite...moving. But I guess that isn't really the right word to describe it. It was VERY deep. I.. I get kinda speechless when it comes to these sorta posts. They're too... thoughtful(I guess?). But one line really confused me.
Dark brown hair with a mixture of blonde and bluish green? Didn't get that. Need explaining.
Grammar...
1.
There should ideally be a period after hermit. The 's' in she should be capitalized. A comma after mind would be appreciated.
Spoiler
So the girl you see with dark brown hair and a mixture of blonde and bluish green(?) is not stuck up or a hermit. She is just that girl with too much on her mind, a psyche that has had enough torture in its life span.
2.
Invisible voices and threats? 'Threats' isn't quite a suitable word. Maybe 'warnings' would be better usage. And 'bi-polar' usually means ridiculous or crazy, so the next part of the sentence isn't necessary.
Spoiler
She tries very hard to listen to her school's warnings, saying,'You're absent too much', but at the same time, has to handle a bi-polar mother.
3.
A comma after responsibilities instead of an apostrophe would be correct. A comma after 'after all' would also be appreciated.
Spoiler
She has many responsibilities, after all, a life hangs in the balance.
4.
I'm just going to go ahead with a spoiler already.
Spoiler
So the girl you see walking down the street is complicated. She looks at the ground to try and escape her life. She would do it for real, but to kill herself and go to hell, just to see her mother dead a couple days later, wasn't (adjective that you would want to use).
5.
Spoiler
Yeah,after a while I got tired of typing a lot so just went ahead with a spoiler.
6.
Spoiler
7.
Spoiler
8.
Spoiler
The final verdict- 3 on 5.
My advice! Work on you punctuation. That'll clear a lot of doubts. Also, proof-read your work twice before submission. Never. Write. In. A. Hurry. That's what I always say!
Your work is really thoughtful. I bet you put a lot of thought and feeling into it. Keep writing! I would love to read more of your work. With better punctuation.
From an eager reader,
Aadygirl.
Hey viv, allow me to have the honour of the first review.
*curtseys* I don't usually review on short stories, so excuse my poor reviewing skills.
This is a very heart felt and dynamic short story in some ways if you like, first I would like to point out there is a slight poetic feel in this poem. Also, trying adding in some punctuation in some of the sentences that might make it flow better. Run-on sentences are bad for reading since you have to read it all in one go.
However, you have created a very detailed and nonetheless dark interior of this girl. You have written well about the complexity of human nature and a person's real thoughts. I often wander down the streets and see people, and I think about how lonely we all are. How we never could know what someone else is thinking [unless you're a telepath of course!].
I think you've managed to create a realistic picture of 'the girl' but perhaps add in some hope at the end? Is always good to show through the vanilla through the dark.
Still, a very good job. Keep on writing! Good luck!
-L