Chapter two
Isabelle woke up, with her arms realized and her mouth to be opened.
She was surrounded with young infants to the age of 3 to 12, where was she?
She looked around trying to figure out where she was; she glanced over her shoulder to the girl behind her and noticed the girl had a rose jabbed into her heart.
There was one petal left.
The girl beside Isabelle leaned over and whispered into Isabelle’s ear
”means it’s her last year” the said softly, the smell of candy apples and vomit escaped her mouth.
”What do you mean” Isabelle asked
”you wait, you wait till they do it to you, they’ll explain it all” she said, she had the slightest British accent.
As the young girl moved back to her spot I noticed she had a rose jabbed in her too.
Hers had nine petals.
The place she was in was nothing like the place the mysterious tree voice had said.
He had promised Isabelle would be queen, he promised everyone would love her; worst of all he made her feel happy…it was a first.
Isabelle got up from her sit and slowly walked down the never-ending hallway.
The smell of candy apples and vomit raced up and down the halls, then from a while down the hall way there was a shriek.
Isabelle ran fast down towards the screaming, when she retched it, it was finished; and a young boy walked out with blood pouring down his chest and a scar right where there was a rose of 13 petals.
”Don’t worry it’ll be over before you know it” he whispered into her ear, yet she didn’t believe a word he was saying.
The men with black hats covering there faces walked over to her, turned her around and looked at a tag that had been placed on her.
”Number 16” they said
”Yup she’s next” they said.
What was she next for?
Her life flashed before her eye’s
She had never been scared of dieing, but when the moment of truth comes, reality is; you will be.
They grabbed her arm and pulled her into a room, with a bed, three knifes and a thousand roses.
The picked her up and placed her on the bed.
The strapped her arms and leg’s down, she tried to get out; but it was no use.
”This wont hurt a bit love” they said right before they jabbed a knife into her skin.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
Alright thanksss:P
I think this is in the wrong place? So I'm going to move it to Other Fiction. If you want it somewhere else, just say so!
The idea keeps me interested but it needs a lot of work. I would almost suggest changing the format to something along the lines of a short story. This would give the opportunity for more discription and a much move vivid dialogue.
Anyway, interested and waiting for #3 .
Well please remember this is the secound chapter.
And i'm going to descripe what she looks like in the third chapter.
But i'm confused....
lakegirls I am vines-of-beauty, but you said that vines-of-beauty and Gwenevire It must of been a typo.
Anyway thanks Gwenevire for your critic i'm going to work on all those things:P
I'm going to descripe her reaction in the thrid chapter wich will be coming soon:P
Anyway thanks everyone for your support!
And I will look into fixing those thing i did wrong.
*keep rockin'*
-Meg
Hi,
This was really well written. I'm not going to correct your mistakes Gwenevire & GryphonFledgling (sorry it was a typo)already did. So I will just simply tell you what I think.
I don't really know if this is poetry I am probably wrong though, I don't do much poetry myself, but this seemed a bit too long to be a poem, it was more like a short story, but this is only my opinion.
I really think you could do a bit more with this, if you made it a bit longer and switched it to a short story (other fiction).
Hmm, what else? Oh yes, make sure you put in a bit more detail for your character, just so people can get a better idea to what they look like. Right now when you say the characters name we could think it has 6 head, obviously, we know she does not or you would have stated it, just add more detail about your character.
I really liked this line:
"Her life flashed before her eye’s
She had never been scared of dieing, but when the moment of truth comes, reality is; you will be."
It's really true, I almost died once ;P
This line had really good imagery:
"The smell of candy apples and vomit raced up and down the halls, then from a while down the hall way there was a shriek."
You can really imagine the smell, it makes my nose wrinkle.
This was really good, but remember to describe more!
Love,
lg*
Quite a few punctuation errors there. It was a bit distracting. I would suggest reading a book on punctuation and/or having a teacher or someone proofread it before you post it. It was just a bit distracting.
This was abstract, but strangely appealing. It was a little random, but somehow it hooked me. Nice job there.
I won't bother repeating what Gwenevire said above me, but just about everything I noticed by way of story stuff was covered in that lovely review.
Anyway, this was nice. Good luck with your writing! *applause*
Hey, Meg!
What does she look like? What does she do? What is she thinking?
#1. Released
to be opened? Who is going to open it? How does she know? Does she do it herself? Tell us!
If its 3 to 13 I would say children. Describe them what are they doing? Do they notice her? Does she want to talk to them?
You tell us! Describe the room etc.
This is choppy and you need some more description. You could limit your wards here and explain her reaction to seeing this girl.
What does Isabella think of this? What's her reaction?
Get rid of "sit"
You should say "some men etc etc"
Tell us more about what this young boy, what does he look like? Whats Isabella's reaction to him?
Yup? I don't think that suits the story. What about "Yes"
Tell us.
Add more description to this room, is it dark? Are there windows? Etc
Where? What's her reaction? Does she try to fight the guys as they walk her into the room? Etc.
This story is very dark... Morbid. Its interesting but it needs a lot of polishing. Character development, description etc.
Keep Workin',
Gwen