Blood heart.
Chapter one.
"skies of violet, cherished days, burning hearts of blood."
The sun was as liquid as ever, the sky as deep as a sea and the water as clear as glass.
Yet one touch of the water and it would shatter into millions.
One scream of hate and the liquid was gone.
And one more plane, and the deepness would disappear.
These thoughts pranced through Isabellas mind, skipping gently yet running hard.
Sitting under the stars waiting, watching for a miracle.
Raise your head my beauty, raise it high enough for the world to see a hissing voice came from behind the paper bark maple, a new world is waiting for your entry, you would be the queen, the one they love the most it said again.
Isabelle lightly raised her head and looked over her shoulder.
She then stood up, her long flowing nightgown danced with the wind.
She walked over to the strange sound, a sat beside the tree.
Speak to me, tell me what Ive done wrong, tell me what I havent done. She whispers softly, a tear roles down her check slowly.
Come with me child, come where you can dance with fire and sing with the rain It says again.
She stands up and looks behind the tree, yet all shes saw was the lights of a hundred, a thousand yet buildings.
Where are you, why cant I see you? she says in pain.
Oh my dear, you can see me, you just dont believe you can see me. It says,
Close your eyes and imagine all the colures you can It says.
She closed her tired eyes and waited.
She began to feel tingling in her eyes and thuds in her stomach.
Sweet dreams He whispered, when you awake, youll have nothing but your thoughts.
Isabelle fell to the floor, her lips red as a rose; her fingers shaking as if there were an earthquake in her hand.
Her body was shut down; her warmth escaped her body and rushed into the cold soil.
Hours later she woke up with a gasp.
In a room with nothing, nothing but her thoughts.
Her arms were tied behind her and her mouth taped.
A dark cold room, with a metal door and bars on the window.
There was yet one thing in there, a young girl crying.
A girl letting her self fall to bits, screeching and kicking her legs around.
Isabelle gently tiptoed over to the young girl to find out it was yet a mirror.
She yet again fell to the ground unable to breathe; she slowly let her self-blank out.
There was no where to hind.
Nowhere to run.
No one to help.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
Thanks guys for the help, I know i use 'yet' to much
Sorryyyyyyy!
This was pretty good...There's nothing more to say, everyone has already said all of the things wrong with it, so I'm just going to say good job!
It does seem weird that this is listed under dramatic poetry and it should probably be moved but...
Anyway, I did think that this was a really well written piece but it needs some fine tuning. A lot of it is just simple grammer but you use the word "yet" too often and it can appear repetative.
My biggest suggestion is just to read over your work outloud. This will really help it sound more cohesive.
Hey, Meg!
I like this, paper bark... Its so southing.
Why is she sad? She is going to be queen, this don't make much sense.
it should be:
a tear slowly rolled down her (define her cheek here) cheek.
get rid of the "'s" on "she"
This makes no sense. It may sound all funky, but it don't work. Tell us more about it... So we can see through your eyes.
Why is she in pain? She is just asking a question? Is there something hurting her. If so explain.
Its all to hazy for us.
Get rid of the last "see me"
I noticed that whenever the mysterious unknown person is speaking you always say "It says" It gets annoying, try switching it up a bit.
I also saw that you mostly say "he said" "she said" "he did" "she did" etc. Give us some description.
So all of a sudden she knows its a he?
Do you mean "colors"?
I find this very choppy and hard to read, you should smoothen it out a bit. I don't have any suggestions, sorry.
This needs more description, you need to tell us more... Its unclear and short. Take your time explain it.
Overall this was interesting, your ideas where simple and your character is very undeveloped. What is she thinking? Right now she is just to perfect, she does not have any spirit or flow. No voice in her head saying "no" give her some spunk.
Keep Going,
Gwen
'Kay thanks GryphonFledgling I'm going to try and work on your advice.
I did say up at the top that the comma's qoutation marks ect. were'nt working.
And thanks Pheble!
That's not nice to say:(
ROOO!
I'm kidding!
But I will DEFENITLY work on all your guys great advice
*keep rockin'*
-Meg
Meg?
It was good but kinda short especially for you.
Work on it, o.k?
shanan-cat!
I loved this line. That is such a great image. *thumbs up*
Wow. I liked this. I wasn't quite clear on exactly what all happened - whether this was literally happening or if it was all in her mind, but it was nicely written. I think you could expand on it to make us care more about the character. Why does she feel this way? Is it right after something happened to her, or is she mentally disturbed?
This was great. The lack of quotation marks really messed me up. I know you have a message about it, but if you could do your best to edit it once again, I know that it would encourage more people to read it.
You are quite talented. Keep it up!
~GryphonFledgling
Hey! I really liked this. I was very well done. Also there was really nice comparision's like "the sky as deep as a sea and the water as clear as glass." There well done!!
Keep up the awesome work!!
Kelsi =)
It's confusing?
Oh dear! Well if you can explain how it's confusing i'll be sure to make sure i can un-confuse it *scratches head wondering if that's a real word* >.<
Thanks for the help!
*Keep rockin'*
-Meg
Hey, I enjoyed reading this, the piece developed well and I liked the issues that were raised. But I'm confused. Is this in the right place in terms of forums?
Someone help?
Eimearxx
**writting**
Sorry guys my spelling is horrible...
All readers I don't know what happend, but when I was righting it all the quotation marks all seemed to turn into boxes.
Please don't let this distracted you.
Thanks a million for reading.
*keep rockin'*
-Meg