Urm, this was the first real poem I wrote. =] Enjoy
Cries of battle, cries of pain;
Troops wandering through sleet and rain;
People stamping their feet in vain;
One thing’s for sure:
I’ve been there before.
Knights protecting camps at night;
Warriors battle with all their might;
Blood and bodies till the end of your sight;
One thing’s fore sure:
I’ve been there before.
Tainted visions of blood and gore;
Blood thirsty warriors closing in for more;
Very few returning with bodies so sore;
One thing’s for sure:
I’ve been there before.
White ceilings flashing before my eyes;
The sound of moans and cries;
Is it my voice that carries through endless nights?
One thing’s for sure:
I died here before.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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I like the structure and the consistency of rhyme but you might want to work on the flow of rhythm. Try counting syllables or perhaps read it out loud; that way you'll see whether it flows or not. I also appreciate it because it wasn't another cliche love poem. Keep it up! :]
I LOVE this!
I especially liked the opening paragraph. Oh, and the last line? Genious. Pure and utter G-E-N-I-O-U-S ! Very good work, especially as you say it is like your first poem? I am impressed.I liked you poem! I don't want to change it or anything, but in my opinion i think it would sound better as "I have been Here before"
Just a suggestion. Good writing.
~Classy
nice poem it was cool.
I would really think that this would perhaps fall under the catagory of lyrical poetry or even lyrics as it's rhyming couplets lean in that direction, even though good insight and good context.
Hi, my name is Tanith and I approve this poem.
i loved your poem! it was fabulous!
it doesn't seem that this is your first poem. you seem to be adept at poetry!
these lines do bring a perfect end to the poem!
i would love to read more of your poems. so do write more!
Good poem. I like it when people don't use love as a crutch. Good job on the topic. In my opinion, you should change little words here:
"One thing’s for sure:
I’ve been there before."
In every stanza, so they are all a little different. Maybe, "I've been here before" or "I've seen that before."
Something like that.
But that's just my opinion. The poem is fine if it stays like this.
I liked this poem. I think what Tassen Spellbinder just said would be a smart idea. Great poem!
I just have one suggestion for this poem: for the line "Blood and bodies till the end of your sight;" you may consider writing it as "Blood and bodies, no end in sight;"
That's all I've got. Great poem!
I like this but i have a few bones to pick. well i think the repetition is fine as the end rhyme but perhaps changing the 'one things for sure' to other things that still rhyme with 'i've been there before' so you only have one repeating line instead of two. i just think it would break it up a little better personally. also there was one typo i caught
pretty sure you meant 'for' besides that also the word 'blood' in different ways was repeated throughout and i think you should try only to use it maybe 2 times better as only once though.
and for some reason the like 'i've been there before' i feel is elementary or cliche. maybe its me but it kind of erks me a bit. otherwise. its all gud!
Wow! I really liked this poem: the rhyme scheme was really cool! Normally I don't really like A-A-A-B-B rhymes, but this one was balanced with just the right amount of syllables per line, so I didn't mind!
I wasn't really sure where the poem was going at first, but in the end, I really liked it
Awesome job, keep writing!
Pgsgirl x