Published January 13, 2011
The stain will not come out.
Perhaps I have not tried enough
or really cared to change it.
A single drop of red wine;
another anniversary.
Sipping from a glass of silver
in a slimming black dress, napkin
folded in lap
But my mind is far from
manners that are proper and mature
For we are spending our time laughing
and I'm dripping my wine,
unnoticed.
The eyes could kiss from across
any table, and my coat could
take in more wine.
Before me is a sight I will hold,
those eyes, your warmth; red wine on my coat.
Now all that is left is that stain,
in the fabric, that I just cannot get out.
The first line was a prompt in my class; I can't change it.
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139,082 Literary Works • 672,408 Reviews
i like this (:
it strikes me as one of those precious memories. is the narrator now an old woman, reminiscing? i feel that perhaps you ought to convey some sense of time or at least why she is reminiscing. have they broken up? is she old now? is it the day after?
"manners that are proper and mature"
this doesn't sound right to me. mature's fairly low frequency, whilst the rest of the language is fairly commonplace. i just don't like the phrasing i suppose. "but my mind is far from proper" would suffice, i think.
"red wine"
you said it at the beginning; we know that the wine is red, there's no need to repeat.
"cannot"
abbreviate it to can't (: the phrase is too informal to suit cannot.
aside from that, well done (:
It was...alright I suppose. I didn't feel at all in the poem. I saw what you were describing, but it just isn't my type of peom I suppose.
Your imagery was very good though. I could see what was happening. I also liked the style the poem was written in.
Just add some real emotion and I'd like it. Maybe talk about the person she is with. How she feels about the anniversary. Stuff like that.
This is one of those poems that are able to be both poetic and straightforward. I liked it. It was understandable. I have some critique, though, that I would like you to consider:
This line especially stood out to me as strange. It does not seem to flow with the beat established earlier. I would change it.
You have already recently said the word "wine," and I don't like how it is repeated. Think instead of a metaphorical term for red wine: "blood?" "Redness?" I'm sure there is some more.
The rest is fine. Good luck writing!