Published January 12, 2011
Tracing the outline of her face,
from a photograph...
It's a cloudy day
in the mind of memory.
The curve of a forehead
is lost in thick air.
Sharpened mountain peak
or a rolling hill, gentle;
I cannot tell.
It seems morning fog
will forever be here
and that the corners of
a photograph are still curling,
the wetness of vapor.
I still lay in the grass
awaiting the time of day
the sun will rise,
and the fog will clear.
The first two lines were given as a writing prompt in my class...I cannot change them.
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139,374 Literary Works • 672,542 Reviews
I don't quite understand the sharp(maybe a word like jagged would be better?) mountain peak and rolling hill part. That's about the only thing I can say, otherwise great poem. And, if I had something like this from school, I would probably just blow it off and right something that's only satisfactory. Most teachers I find don't look deep into a poem or story, and thus, they just give it a bad grade because it doesn't make sense on the surface. Just a note if your being graded.
--Shadowknight155
Hey! Good job! I've done a lot of poetry and stories for school assignments when you HAVE to use a certain idea or writing prompt. GRR. Don't you just hate those?
Anyway, the wording was very good in your poem; it didn't feel extremely wordy but at the same time it didn't feel too spare or incomplete. Nice job!
I liked this stanza, although I felt that the "wetness of vapor" line was a little detached from the rest of the stanza, If you know what I mean? Maybe you could say
"...and that the corners of
a photograph are still curling
from the wetness of vapor."
Also maybe say "THE morning fog?"
I don't know, those don't sound very good anyway, but you get the picture. Be careful to maintain the flow of a poem while writing it, otherwise it doesn't sound very good when you're reading it aloud.
Overall, good poem! Well done, keep on writing
Should be "lie" since it's an ongoing action. Don't you just love irregular verbs?
For the most part, I liked the imagery in this; it was simple but not too vague, and what vagueness there was added to the sense of mistiness. I do think, though, that you could improve upon the punctuation. Some areas didn't seem quite proper, which felt odd since most of the poem is grammatically correct; I suggest you fix those areas.
One of them was the semicolon in these lines:
Semicolons basically replace periods; they're like periods, except rather than separate the sentences, they connect them. A comma, colon, or an m-dash would work better; which you use is up to you, though I favor the m-dash personally.
But punctuation aside, I enjoyed reading this.
For a writing assignment, this is very good, and I really like the wording!
^^ I really like that!
^^And that part!
Keep up the good work!