i can't remember, but i can think of your lips
the interplay of our mouths, my teeth against yours
he said you taste like the devil and feel like the lord
i'm sitting in your car, praying that you'll change
'cause i miss your eyes and the way you said my name
you can't leave me here on the floor of the ocean
with nothing but chapped lips and one single motion
of your hand as you tell me it's time that i go
for i'm simply not able to be loved anymore
i guess that it's better than lying together
refusing to touch but too scared to be severed
we drowned in shaky silence, spare your smoker's cough
but i pressed the wrong button and your buzzer went off
you told me once that I'd never fall from the sky
but it's different when the clouds release their hold on your mind
i kept falling and falling but you never caught me,
you just let me sink down to the ocean so softly.
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125,027 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
I would beg to differ with the title... I was expecting something really bad but was pleasantly surprised that this poem is quite good! My first edit suggestion would be to change that title! Let readers know right off the bat that you take your work seriously. If you can't come up with a title even putting "untitled" is preferable to selling yourself short.
I especially enjoyed the rhythm of the poem and how each line leads into the next - the lack of end punctuation (until last 2 lines) and the lack of capitalization really helped this. I just wanted to read through to the end and almost read it all as one fluid thought.
My favorite line was "you can't leave me here on the floor of the ocean". I start reading the line and am thinking it's the floor of a bedroom and then *boom* ocean metaphor, and each phrase just adds a stroke to the beautiful picture that is this poem. It's descriptive and poetic without being fluff and it's also authentic without being gory or without finesse.
I also just loved the line "for i'm simply not able to be loved anymore" <- absolutely heartbreaking, but can definitely relate to that disheartening feeling. This pulls at the reader's heartstrings.
This poem, as I already said is quite good in my opinion and is also such a nice read, so I have just a few minor edit suggestions.
Firstly I found the first line a bit confusing "i can't remember, but i can think of your lips". What do you mean by saying "I don't remember"... but then basically putting that you do remember. I would clarify as to what you cannot remember, and/or maybe change the word "think" to something about "feeling" - so that it does not seem so contradictory.
In the 4th to last line you capitalize the "i" in "I'd", I'm assuming this was unintentional, because it is inconsistent with the rest of your capitalization.
Your word choice was very simple, but I enjoyed your figurative language I can barely complain, because I think that in itself made up for it. I think the simplified language also works in this case as a stylistic choice.
Your rhyming is subtle (didn't even notice it the first read through) but works really well to push the reader along to each line. It also leaves the word "lips" ringing in the reader's ears because it does not have a rhyming pair - that was a good move!
I enjoyed the read and hope to see more writing from you in the future! Also welcome to YWS - if you stick around you'll love it here, it's a place filled with talented and kind writers.
Good luck in your future writing!
~alliyah~
Thank you so much!! I really appreciate you taking the time to review this so thoroughly.
the first line, "i can't remember, but i can think of your lips" is supposed to be a little bit of a subtle hint to the imagination of the narrator. I definitely see how that would have been difficult to grasp, though:)
and yes, the "I'd" was a silly mistake on my part; thank you for pointing that out!!
The simple words were intentional. In most of my earlier poetry pieces I used a lot of complicated structures and words before I realized that it wasn't doing much for me. I tried to create a poem that was completely pure, and completely stripped of any unnecessary literary fanciness.
Thanks so much again for taking the time to do this; I really didn't think I'd receive any reviews!!
Good luck to you, as well:)
I don't think this lacks literary quality at all! All it's lacking is a title.
I think the structure was very nice. I like how you left out punctuation, it gave a more ethereal feel. The content was very nice, too. The words almost reminded me of lyrics for a Lana del Rey song. Being said, this poem is very lyrical, and painted a very clear picture. The characters, I suppose you would say, came to life in a way I wasn't expecting in a poem. Good job!
Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate it:))
also, I'm a sucker for Lana.