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Chasing the Rainbow

by vetas


Hey guys, I haven't written anything in awhile but here is a poem I wrote today. I thought I would explain a bit. I have always wanted to do something in my life that would bring me fame. I want to be known for something. But sometimes it blocks the important things around me. The people who love me and bring me happiness. This is what the poem is about.

I have spent many years chasing the rainbow
But it keeps getting further and further away.
The distance between us seems to grow.
day, after day, after day.

The colors keep calling. keep pulling me in.
And then laugh at each step that I take.
Will I ever make it? Will I ever win?
Or will I just fall down and break?

I watch as others reach the rainbow.
the rainbow seems to slow down for some.
I watch as their lives begin to glow
As I sit here, feeling like a bum.

But then its gone. The colors disapear.
The rainbow doesnt stay long up above.
Without the distraction my eyes become clear.
I have something better, I have love.

The flowers around me always stay close
They are always there when I am in need.
Their love filled aroma is pleasant to the nose.
They are the reason that I succeed.

I have spent many years chasing the rainbow
But now I wont chase it, ill stay.
And here with the flowers my love will grow.
day, after day, after day.


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6 Reviews


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Tue Sep 26, 2017 2:49 pm
Konijnje wrote a review...



Hello! Konijn here to review! I'd like to start off by saying this is a very interesting topic, as many people have tried to achieve fame without success. As for critiques, I'd like to point out grammar/punctuation. While I usually try to stray from this topic when critiquing poetry, there are a few things that need to be fixed in your poem.

The first thing, which may have already been pointed out, is the fact that "ill" should be "I'll". Then there is the lowercase "keep" in the first line of the second stanza. Considering you've capitalized the beginning of every other sentence, I would either capitalize this. However, there is another way you can fix this predicament. Rather than using a period, I personally would use a coma in that particular line. It helps with the flow of the poem and generally sounds better when reading it.

Another instance where I would change the grammar is in the last line of the fourth stanza, where instead of saying "I have something better, I have love." I would change the coma to a semicolon, so it would look like "I have something better; I have love." Maybe if you read the poem out-loud you could catch things like this, that way you can better improve the flow and catch silly mistakes.

Critiques aside, I really enjoyed the poem. The rhymes were well executed and the topic was sweet. Keep writing, and never give up!




vetas says...


Awesome! Thank you!



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Tue Sep 26, 2017 2:44 am
rosette wrote a review...



Hey vetas!
I'm glad to see you're getting back into writing. You chose a perfect time, too! We're nearly done with #RevMo and everyone is a little desperate for works to review. xP

I thought this was a fascinating poem. I love your theme, this fact that we should be content with what's around us, and not always pursuing after our wants and desires. It's so true! Don't get me wrong, I think it's great when people pursue their dreams, but this here is different. It's your experience.
I love it, really.

I also liked the repetition in the first and last stanza ending in "day, after day, after day." The scenarios you use it in are different each time, which only makes me like that even more.

Something I found interesting about this, though, was how it was a rainbow. A rainbow that you spent many years chasing after, and could never reach. (I'm actually kind of surprised you never mentioned a pot of gold in here). I'm wondering, did it suddenly, randomly fade because you saw these other people reach the rainbow, and it maybe discouraged you? Like, "I'm never going to reach that rainbow, am I?" And once you had that revelation, maybe it didn't seem that wonderful and spectacular anymore? And that opened the door for you to actually see your surroundings, and what had been close to you all your journey?
Or... am I reading too much into this? xD

One more note before I take off.
I don't quite get your punctuation and grammar here? I know it's important to have your own style and such in poetry, and it's all about the author's choice, but this poem appeared haphazard. You had periods and commas, but not every word that follows every period is capitalized. It was random. And did you intentionally leave out apostrophes in "ill" and "wont"? I don't get why you would.

But, as I said earlier, I liked this!
I hope you continue to keep writing, and I wish you the best of luck in your future works. :)

cheers for now!
~rosette

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vetas says...


Thank you for the review! I will be honest with you. Grammar is not my strongest point.. I will continue working on that.



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Mon Sep 25, 2017 11:01 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello vetas! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = random Kara comments.

Spoiler! :
I have spent many years chasing the rainbow
But it keeps getting further and further away.
The distance between us seems to grow.
day, after day, after day. {You don't capitalize the first line here... I think that's a little strange. It also takes away from the flow}

The colors keep calling. keep pulling me in. {Change that first period in your sentence to a comma}
And then laugh at each step that I take.
Will I ever make it? Will I ever win?
Or will I just fall down and break?

I watch as others reach the rainbow.
the rainbow seems to slow down for some.
I watch as their lives begin to glow
As I sit here, feeling like a bum.

But then it{'}[//b]s gone. The colors disap[b]{p}ear.
The rainbow doesn{'}t stay long up above.
Without the distraction my eyes become clear.
I have something better, I have love.

The flowers around me always stay close
They are always there when I am in need.
Their love filled aroma is pleasant to the nose. {I don't like this line... it just seems awkward}
They are the reason that I succeed.

I have spent many years chasing the rainbow
But now I won{'}t chase it, {I'}ll stay.
And here with the flowers my love will grow.
day, after day, after day. {You didn't capitalize this line either}


Overall, this is very good. It's strong, and your imagery and statement is obvious, even if I hadn't read the Author's Note. I would recommend not putting the author's note down, actually, and let the readers come up with the meaning themselves.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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vetas says...


Thank you! I appreciate it.



zaminami says...


Yo welcome



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Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:41 pm
ForeverFlying wrote a review...



Hi there!

Forever Flying here for a quick review. Let me just start out by saying that your poem was great and I really like the message being conveyed with it. Now on with it!

I'll start off with critiques, although there aren't too many. The first one I have is in line twenty two. I noticed that you said "ill" and would suggest changing it to "I'll". I'm not sure if it was intentional, and even if it was I would still consider changing it. This is because you had already said "I" many times and used capitals, so it wouldn't make sense with a lowercase i and no apostrophe. Next one is also about capital letters, but instead of adding, maybe subtracting? I noticed that with the last lines with the "day, after day, after day." start with lowercase letters, but I would think about replacing a few other capitals with lowercases. Often times, it's a bit easier for the reader to digest the poem this way, as well as add some variety to your poem. You also use the word love a few times. One idea may be to find some synonyms for love and switching that out a bit. But of course, that's just a personal preference.

On the other side of the coin, your poem was great! First off, the message it sends is nice. I also like how you convey it with the idea of nature, using the far off rainbow and love filled flowers. You also used a rhyme scheme and didn't make it seem to forced, which can sometimes be difficult, so kudos to that! In the end, this was a lovely poem and I'm glad I read it! I hope to see some more in the future. :)

Have a great day,
Forever Flying




vetas says...


Thank you so much for your review!




My culinary streak is in everything that I write.
— LadyBird