Young Writers Society

Hello hello! Happy review day!

I feel like this story is going to turn into a dystopia/Divergent type book maybe? I feel some Divergent in here (which is fine! It's a great book) Overall, I think you've set up an interesting world and an interesting situation and I'm definitely curious to see how this is going to progress and where this story is going lead. I also really liked that the MC was described as being overweight or heavier than the other girls her age. Agents and publishers are fighting over diverse representation in YA these days and we definitely need more stories that have protagonists that aren't in the skinny white girl mold I also love that she was put in the fighting group and I wonder if/how her weight will come into play.

I'm not going to get too bogged down with nitpicky thoughts and instead want to focus on some bigger picture things I noticed.

The biggest thing is that I think you could slow down. This chapter could easily be more than one chapter. Let me use some dystopias as examples. I'm guessing you've read Divergent or the Hunger Games because they're popular and I'm just sensing some Divergent influences here. It's been a long time since I read Divergent, but lets think about how those two books open. There's about a chapter or at least a full scene where we establish normal and plant some subplot seeds and get to know the MC. Then we have the big catalyst where Katniss finds out she's going to be in the Hunger Games and (can't remember the MC's name from Divergent) joins her faction. Joining the faction and discovering she's going to be in the games are also their own chapter or their own big scene. Then leaving home and getting to their new place/seeing their new place is another chapter and another scene. See where I'm going with this? Not that you need to or should copy them, but you've put all of that in one chapter. I think the reader would absorb it better and each part would stand out more if you slowed down and split the scenes up into different chapters or different scenes within the same chapter (like breaks between each scene). There are so many important things happening in this chapter, I want all of them to have equal weight.

If you cut it up into different scenes or chapters, you'll be able to really focus on each individual moment and make it shine. How? Well, you're already doing a lot of things well. I like that you take the time to describe the scene and you're describing emotions. You're definitely on the right track with all of that! I think one thing you can do to take it to the next level is think about what your MC is thinking.

I love first person narration and use it a lot in my own writing because you can really dig deep and learn a lot about a character. In first person narration, the MC's unique voice really needs to shine through on the page, otherwise, what's the point of telling it through her eyes? I want to experience the world through her eyes. I want to know not only what she's seeing, but what she hears, smells, and feels. And most importantly, I want to know her thoughts. I want to know what's going through her mind and I want access to her inner monologue pretty much at all times I want to know what she thinks, how she thinks, how she makes decisions, and why she does what she does, and we learn all of that through her internal monologue.

An example of how you could do this:

“Good morning sweetheart,” My father says kissing my forehead as he walks by me putting the plate of waffles on the table. My mom reaches over the table and takes my hand, and I try to stay calm and stop shaking. My efforts have no effect on me.

She's right when she says it because it could be the last day I will ever be in the same room with her again. A year ago it was Jonathan's redistricting ceremony. We thought we were going to loose him but, well, he got lucky and he picked East and got to stay. I may not get so lucky.

I shake that thought away, and replace it was more happy thoughts. I will get to explore new places, make new friends, and maybe meet the love of my life! That would be nice. Meet new people, fall in love with the guy of my dreams, get married and start family. That's all I want from life. Is to be happy. I have dreams.

This reminds me a lot of the novel Divergent, and it's not one of my favorite books.
I do get why it could influence you, though. I remember reading an interview with JK Rowlings when I was younger. Most writers are, first and foremost, avid readers. It's very hard finding your own style and your own stories when you surround yourself with other people's imaginary worlds.
But you have to try.
I think that there are little grammatical mistakes here and there but I'm not the right person to correct them.

Hey there! I noticed this lurking in the green room, so figured I'd come review it for you

I notice you're quite new to YWS, so let me just start off by saying welcome! I hope you stick around because this is such a great site that has helped improved my writing heaps. I've been here for a few years now, so if you ever have any questions about anything, please don't hesitate to let me know.

Now I'm a sucker for young adult, dystopianesque fiction, so what you've written here is definitely right up my street. You've set everything up well, and with great clarity. I understand what's happening, I know who the characters are, I can get a feel for who they are, and I'm just generally following everything nicely so far. Your grammar and spelling on the whole is pretty good, though you do mix up your tenses occasionally. It's not a huge issue, and I've certainly seen far worse, but it is something to keep an eye on. For the most part, you stick to present tense, you just slip into past occasionally. You've already got loads of conflict going on e.g. Victoria having to leave her family, a potential love triangle(?) with Zachary, Ember and Victoria, Victoria being put into a district she wouldn't want to be put in e.t.c. so that's great. It's always good to introduce conflict early on to keep things interesting. Overall, a decent opening!

Now for critiques This is more of a warning than a critique, but you want to be very careful when writing in this genre with this kind of storyline. What you currently have is quite a clear mash up of the Divergent and The hunger games series (I mean, hell, Zachary's surname is Four!), and if this was fanfiction, that would be okay. As it is an independent work though, you need to be super, super careful not to just turn this into a remake of those novels. You need to add heaps of originality into this to separate yourself from everyone else who are writing plots like this at the moment, as there are a lot of them. My advice would be to constantly think what can I put my personal spin onto here as you write, and try not to write any characters, plot, conflicts e.t.c. that don't have at least a touch of something new and different.

On a more technical note, your dialogue on the whole is pretty good and steady, but I found the dialogue between Victoria and her family a little unnatural. It was very formal. I can vouch for the idea of them not being a very emotionally expressive family, of Victoria not wanting to show them she's nervous or upset e.t.c. but even so, there would be some kind of emotion slipping through (other than her dad crying). A lot of this is simply because of the wording and phrasing you use, as opposed to what your characters are actually saying... err, let me explain. For example, you'll have Victoria's mother saying we are going to be late, which sounds very official and formal, no? Whereas it seems like a real family would say we're going to be late. Tiny things like that can make a huge difference, so try to write your characters dialogue as you would speak to your friends and family in real life.

I found Zachary's initial behaviour with Victoria quite odd too. I understand that there's going to be a relationship developing there, and that you want his character to be bold and brash (that's great, it's an interesting characteristic!), but as one of the trainers it just seems awfully unprofessional of the guy to behave like that on their first meeting. It seems like if his bosses were to find out, he'd be sacked Show us the chemistry between Victoria and Zachary by all means--I want to see it, but maybe start off a little more subtly. Make us question whether or not they're going to end up developing a relationship, as opposed to giving it away so early. Make them subtly flirt, as opposed to obviously flirt. That helps heaps with realism too, which is very important.

On the note of Zachary, I do feel a little bit like you've given away all of his character a little bit too early. During his introduction, you pretty much listed off who he was and what he was like. As well as it being a little more exciting for us readers to discover that over time, it's also a lot better to do it by showing us, as opposed to telling us e.g. don't tell us that he's kind of nerdy, show it to us in future chapters during a conversation with Victoria. You don't even really need to tell us because you do a good job at showing us his personality via his dialogue and actions already. We can tell that he's confident and mischievous by the way he flirts with Victoria, so you don't need to tell us beforehand! It's way more fun for us to discover his character ourselves.

Finally, I can't help feeling like I want more for Victoria. You noted all of her ambitions and goals early on into this chapter, but they all kinda just revolved around meeting a guy and falling in love. I mean, that's fine, girls can want whatever the heck they want! But it is a little typical and a little boring, and makes her seem a tiny bit two-dimensional. Especially nowadays, there's a big call for heroins who are independent and don't a guy to keep them happy. Having a guy int he mix is a bonus, but it's not essential, it's not their life goal, y'know? If you were to make this Victoria's life goal, only for her to discover herself a lot more deeply and eventually realise that there is more to life than guys after all, that would actually be a really cool idea. If you don't fancy that idea though, I would consider giving her some additional goals on top of the meeting a guy and living happy ever after sort of thing.

Oh, before I forget, I have some queries and general comments to make (that aren't critiques!) You touched upon how people are put into districts, what with Zachary mentioning how he chose Victoria, so I'd love for you to expand on that because I'm curious. How does the selection process work exactly? Is it based on genes? Skill? Personal suggestions? Is it random? I'd love to hear more about that. I'm also intrigued by the setting of this. While you've not explicitly stated it, I'm assuming it's dystopian, so what's the world like? Is it in ruin? Not too bad? Is it futuristic? Some more detailed description of setting would really aid this opening chapter, methinks.

So. Yeah. I've rambled a bit here, oops. Please, please do take everything I've said with a pinch of salt because in the end, this is just my opinion! I am a little worried I may have come across as a bit harsh in this review, which isn't my intention by any means. I genuinely think this has a lot of potential, and if you were to throw in heaps of originality, that in itself would fill said potential massively. With some tweaking, this really could be great. Anywho, be sure to let me know if you want me to explain anything I've said in more detail, I promise I don't bite!

Keep writing,

xoxo Sins