Published April 4, 2007
Prologue
This story starts out as most adventure stories do: a plain, everyday person whose life is changed forever when someone places a great burden upon their shoulders. You know the drill. So anyway, there we were: an ordinary Californian class. We were just like any other group of fifth graders, until an unexpected visitor came a-knocking.
***
Chapter 1: Princess Michaela
Our visitor came to us on a stormy Tuesday afternoon in November. There we sat, working tirelessly on our science projects, when a bolt of lightning crashed through the skylight and hit the floor. Thunder shook the classroom. The boys gasped and ducked under their desks. The girls shrieked and held each other in a last desperate attempt to live. WE all thought we were going to die. But as suddenly as the lightning had come, it disappeared.
In its place was a beautiful woman. She was clad in emerald green, and her blonde hair was braided in a plait that ended at her waist. But gorgeous as she was, there was something odd about the woman. She seemed to have a bluish tint hanging about her and was actually floating above the ground! Cassie yelped. Some of the boys gave catcalls. Finally, after a few moments of silence, Sarah asked the question that was lingering in everybody’s minds:
“What are you?”
“I am Princess Michaela, of the land of Rho,” she said in a soothing voice, “My people are in trouble, and I am depending on you to help save them.”
“Us? Why us?” Sharon asked nervously.
“Because you harness the power. You see that locket around her neck?” She said, pointing straight at me. Everyone turned and stared.
“My n-n-necklace?” I stammered, “But I’ve had it for-“
“Twelve years. I know.” Said Princess Michaela. ”Your whole life. You see, every child born into the family of King Lysander, the king of Rho, is given a necklace of strength and power.”
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141,698 Literary Works • 675,577 Reviews
I liked it. The way you described the visitor was interesting... but I did notice you introduced the action in only the second sentence. This is just a suggestion, but why not try and establish the norm a little, before departing from it? Tell us a little about the class, about the science project, or something like that. Perhaps you could tell us what your character was doing in particular, that way we'll get a feel for who we're dealing with.
I say keep going with the story! I'd love to see more!
Goldie
Personally, I liked the introduction. It introduced us to the narrator and personalised the sotry, made us more intimate with you character. It made me feel as if it was a diary entry.
The main story was good, but needs more volume for better criticisms to be written. You should definitely continue this, it has great promise.
The way you start makes me think this story is going to have a humorous tone, but after the prologue, it doesn't. Maybe you could change it to a more descriptive/thoughtful introduction? Either that or delete it completely.
Why's the we in capitals?
Because you already said 'woman' just a sentence ago, I'd say 'her' instead.
It should be a period instead of a comma after 'voice'.
The she shouldn't be capitalized.
The period after 'know' should be a comma, and said shouldn't be capitalized.
This looks like it could be really interesting! Try not to let it get too cliché; enchanted lockets and destiny are way too overused. If you mix them up with some original details, it won't be a problem, though.
Thanks for posting!
-Jenna
I agree with Royboy that the first part wasn't needed. Also, I think that maybe you shouldn't go that deep into the story in just the first chapter. I mean, you're telling us way to much info that maybe the person in the story should have to discover in the rest of the story later on.
*sarcasm* Well that wasn't random at all.... Lightening striking down young women into ordinary california science classrooms? No i'm just messing.
Show don't tell! That is a totaly unneeded part of the story.
Interesting way to leave it off. Is there any more to this because I'd like to read it.