When autumn comes,
The leaves fall off the trees
Like that piece of homework you threw away and “forgot” to show to your parents
When the teacher gave it a D
Even though you worked very hard and expected A+.
When autumn comes,
The petals on the flowers get dry and crinkly,
Just like that banana you left in your lunchbox last week,
When everyone else had oranges.
But at night,
The crickets chirp
Like a miniature orchestra
Learning to play for the very first time.
And then you know its autumn.
And you fall asleep.
When winter comes,
Everything looks white and fluffy,
As if it were stuck in that marshmallow goop you left on that plate one night
When mama asked you to do the dishes.
When winter comes,
The bushes and plants are bare,
Just like that empty corner in your room
That’s inhabited by spiders.
In the evenings,
The wolves howl
Like your little sister
When she can’t get that piece of candy she wants.
Then you feel safer than ever in your big, cozy house.
And you fall asleep and begin to dream.
When spring comes,
Everything is bright and blooming
Just like that dress your friend wore
To the school dance.
When spring comes,
Baby animals are being born
And children are frolicking.
During the morning hours,
The birds sing a wake-up song to you,
Like your alarm clock when it beeps.
And you feel as if you could soar
And you decide to get dressed.
When summer comes,
The sun starts beating down on you,
As if the gods had laser vision.
When summer comes,
The corn grows big and yellow on the stalks,
Like the smelly old bus that you take to school.
In the afternoon,
You sit on the porch with a big bowl of ice cream,
And you marvel at the scenery
And life just seems like one big poem…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
you had a lot of different and original imagery, which is really good. a lot of people stick to ones that have been circulated a little too many times.
now, at the moment, the poem seems a little too much like a simile. yes, i know that's the point, but i think the poem could also work if you changed some of the similes into metaphors or just plain description.
like here:
But at night,
The crickets chirp
Like a miniature orchestra
Learning to play for the very first time
i think you could do a lot with this, instead of just putting "like..." try something that expands what you mean. really get the reader to understand how the two connect, maybe mentioning how the crickets are warming up their violins, or something of the sort.
like i said, you have some impacting imagery. if you took out the similes, i think they'd be even more memorable. good luck!