Published April 4, 2007
Sticky sweat dripping down my face.
Neighborhood kids running in a race.
Eating ice cream, swimming in the pool,
ANYTHING to help stay cool.
Hopscotch on the concrete,
The hot pavement burns my feet.
Sun sinks below the horizon,
This summer day is now done.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,616 Literary Works • 673,554 Reviews
Do you guys think that this even has a chance, or should I just give up on it? Thank you for the comments!
I agree, i like the rhyming and description, but it idn't really have a point.
Also I didn't like the ending, it was to abrupt.
Try and revise the end.
Charlotte
interesting. I get a vivid image of suburbia in like Texas maybe? or Florida, somewhere really hot. I agree that you should lengthen it and add more descriptions. Keep it up.
-Tangerine
Hey!
interesting poem; I noticed you tried to form it to a rhyme scheme (a,a,b,b,c,c...), yet the last two lines, horizon and done, it works somewhat. Its more of a stretch, i would recommend changing one of those.
It's short and simple, i like the two lines 'Hopscotch on concrete, the hot pavement burns my feet.' those two work together, but its the lack of the rest working together. The rest of the lines are just listing, i like the two line descriptive rather than the listing (thats my opinion of course). You could change everything else or just cut that part.
Also it ends abruptly, try lengthening it, and possibly if you wanted to since you have the line 'sun sinks below the horizon', you could change the poem to a progression through the day. so doing that would keep everything but adding a few lines here and there. Otherwise if you don't want to i would cut the part regarding the time of day, and add more activities.
It has potential, just keep working on it.
-DQ
Erm. No offense, but is there a point to this poem? This is more like what Snoink might call a "shopping-list". You're describing things to us, but you dont lead us to any conclusion - or anywhere at all, really. Your rhyming is pretty consistent, and kudos for that, but I'm afraid IMHO the poem lacks depth.
You might want to explore the topic a bit more next time, and use some imagery etc. to really put the reader in the picture, rather than just tell him/her about your day. We've all experienced those hot days - what we want here is for you to explain how *you* feel about them, and what makes this particular summer day unique, memorable, special, interesting, and so on.
If you want any help, feel free to PM me
Oh, and welcome to YWS!
Cheers,
~bubbles