why me?
what did i do?
why do i get the pain and not you?
why cant i be happy just like you?
well, i'll tell you what. Im done with you and your mind games.
I'm gonna stand up, and shout , scream, and maybe even dance by myself. i want to be me for a change, the wild, the crazy me. The me who can dance in a crowd room without being afraid. I want to laugh at the top of my lungs at something that's not really that funny.
Then you make fun of me, you call me freak, loser and other names that arent very nice.You think im crazy? Hell yeah i am! And i can show you if you push me. You want to make me mad at you?
Well bless your rotten soul! I wouldnt touch without a ten foot pole.
You think can win??, So maybe you should try again, at something else?
You dont even know me and you think you own me. Like a peice of property, or even less than that.
What the hell! get over your self!
Hitting me, that's what your going with? Please, just go back to first grade.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Well, it does come on rather strongly.
Hello
I think that this piece is rather unpolished, but has quite a lot of potential to become really good, because I can understand your motives, your expressions very clearly with this.
Like auther2b, I think the grammar portion is rather important. Without dotting your i's and crossing your t's, this comes across as not very 'valued' by yourself. I don't mean that in a bad way, it just feels like it was not done very thoughtfully and it is hard to take seriously. Please try to take some time to look through the work to check for anything that you might need to correct- such as the capitalization and double question marks.
right now, the thing that this piece needs is a stronger structure. It would be easier to understand (It's clear, but less cluttered) if you broke it up into stanzas.
Overall, i did like it because the message is really very strong and I Could feel the emotions very blisteringly (if that's a word)
It's a good piece! Work more on it and it will become even better.
Keep Writing
-Binder
This surely is an intresting piece. The idea is very much there, but it needs some work.
It's a shame that your structure is off, considering the idea and how you are trying to express it. I'll start with simple fixes first. So here we go.
GRAMMAR is a very quick fix. All you need to do is read over your piece a couple of times, then a couple more for good measure. Your "I"s need to be capatalized, or else you will get berated (like right now) with every comment. Also this line is missing the y in you "You dont even know me and ou think..." and unless you trying to speak french, i would suggest you fix it. Also very first line needs the word did "why me what i do?" is not good grammar at all. I almost didn't continue, but I did because I want to help.
You need to break up your lines a bit. It gets very jumbled and seems very hard to read. It will help with the flow, which overall will help with your poem.
The idea your trying to explore is one of serious proportions, and it should be taken seriously, and with some changes I guarntee it will be. I love the ending. I don't think you need to change the words you wrote, just make sure they're capital when they need to be and there when you need them. I enjoyed this piece alot and look foward to more. Good start!