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Published December 9, 2012
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142,235 Literary Works • 677,065 Reviews
Hiya vampyIrishgirl!
This was heartbreaking, but beautiful. It's a good poem.
One thing I must say is make sure you use those apostrophes in words like "I'm."
Also, the shape of your poem kind of threw me off just because it doesn't look right for some reason. I think the length of the last line threw it off for me.
Other than that, great job. This is gorgeous.
Keep writing!
~Cat
sorry it posted twice ;P
Hiya vampyIrishgirl!
This was heartbreaking, but beautiful. It's a good poem.
One thing I must say is make sure you use those apostrophes in words like "I'm."
Also, the shape of your poem kind of threw me off just because it doesn't look right for some reason. I think the length of the last line threw it off for me.
Other than that, great job. This is gorgeous.
Keep writing!
~Cat
Hey vampyIrishgirl,
I'm so sorry. This isn't because I brought it up is it? Your poem is really good. It makes me feel really awful. It's really beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'll try to help make this poem even more perfect.
That said,
You said "I think back to want"
and I think you meant what there.
and you said "the things il wanted..."
and I think you meant "I" instead of "il"
I'm so sorry if I made you think to write this. Again, it's great.
and by the way, I bet she knew.
Hey girl! hope I can help x)
Very sad how this is about a kid who lost their mom, no one should ever have to deal with that but it still happens. I think you wrote a pretty realistic reaction to that, so great job
I think this could be edited though, so your thoughts are a little clearer.
For instance
That casket has taken thy mother space.
should be "mother's"
I, mourn with the rising morning sun.
here, I don't think there should be a comma after I
Down on my woobly, scabby knee's begging for my mother to breath.
I think by woobly you mean wobbly x)
the things i said cant, no wont be unsaid.
this line is pretty confusing but I think there should be a comma after "won't"
Also, you don't capitalize "I" very much, the beginning of each sentence doesn't always start with a capital letter. You used "thy" at the beginning of the poem but didn't keep that style of speech throughout.
So overall, the emotion is definitely there, and if you were looking to improve I'd say just brush up on the boring rules of writing to make this a little cleaner x)