*This story is underneath my folder titled “What happened to Ellette + Vaughn?”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs <33”. Enjoy!*
Beckham crawled out of his sleeping bag and ran to the room where his parents slept, heart racing furiously in his chest.
When he got to the room, he slammed open the door and crawled on top of the bed, pleading for his parents to wake up.
“What? What is it?” Mom asked, rubbing her eyes open. Dad’s eyes were half open, he was still just waking up.
“I saw Ellette! Ellette is dead! Ellette’s a ghost! Her boyfriend ate her! He’s a monster and he ate her!” Beckham said.
His parents looked back at him in bewilderment, but they had to believe! If only he could explain a bit more to them…
“What? Ellette doesn’t have a boyfriend. She’s not dead. Go back to sleep, it’s late.” Mom replied absentmindedly.
Beckham sighed. He couldn’t get frustrated. He couldn’t be rude. He just had to give them more time.
“But she is! I saw her! She told me! She’s not going to be home! She’s-“
“Beckham, I’m not doing this right now. You just had a bad dream.”
“But Mom-“
“No.”
“Dad?” Beckham asked, looking to his Dad. Perhaps he would pay attention.
“Listen to your mother.” Dad said sternly.
“But-“
“Go back to bed.” Dad said.
Beckham sighed defeatedly and walked back to the guest room. Maybe it was just a bad dream. Maybe Ellette was still alive, eating cookies and watching Christmas movies.
But he still couldn’t shake the feeling that something rather unpleasant had happened…
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey friend! I was in the mood to review more of your wonderful short stories, so I thought I would stop by
let's jump right into the review:
So this short story was very short. We follow Beckham as he runs to his parents room, waking them up in the middle of the night. She had just seen his sister Ellette, eaten by her boyfriend and dead! He does his best to tell his parents what has happened, but they don't believe him. They believe that he has just had a bad dream. So they sent him back to bed. He pleads with them to believe him, but they still don't believe him. He walks back to the guestroom and starts to think perhaps it was a dream after all. Perhaps his sister is all right and she's participating these Christmas activities, happy and healthy. But he cannot shake this feeling that something might've happened…
In the sentences above, you need to use a comma to end the sentences before the quotations. For example, "Listen to your mother," Dad said sternly. And "Go back to bed," Dad said. This is because we still see that period after "dad said "so we don't need an extra one after what the character says. If you're ending it with an! Or? You can use that. But in the case of a period, you would just use a comma.
In terms of the piece, it was very short, but I'm excited to find out what happens next. I feel like this is setting up a great story! I love the tone that you use. He really capture his anxiety for his parents to believe him. he really wants them too! Thank you so much for posting this and I look forward to reading more soon.
Your friend,
Ellie
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was quite the continuation. Good to see Beckham is rightfully concerned although sadly it appears like it may end up amounting to nothing there because the parents refused to hear it out.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well that is certainly quite the alarming start to a conversation and naturally having read the part that came before its worse when its actually true. Of course it was a bit of a dream if I remember correctly but that doesn't of course make it any less real feeling.
Well looks like the parents instantly catch on that it was in fact a nightmare but it seems they aren't the least bit concerned about any other meanings it cold have and they're just treating it as a bit of a run of the mill nightmare there.
Well looks like Beckham is the only one still worried about this and honestly I am totally with Beckham there. That was too specific and violent to not have anything to do with this.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think you're doing a great job setting this up and showing that something is lurking there and of course it makes for quite the moment when its retaliated against so hard.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
So glad you enjoyed!
I love the supernatural... this was MADE for me.
Okay, maybe not literally, but I'm excited nonetheless to offer a review for you. Especially given your help in reviewing some of my stories! I want to check out the other works that come before this, if only because this short story made me curious and did creep me out.
It gives the vibes of a small child with an "imaginary friend" or some supernatural connection, and the narration caught the thought process of someone with that perspective quite well. The desperation to be believed, the foolish, innocent idea that grown ups would listen to a child about something fantastical happening. There's something about that, an an outside reader who's familiar with tropes of children interacting with the supernatural, that's unnerving to me.
Overall, good stuff. My interest in reading more into this series you're doing speaks to the quality of this on its own, few things are better than a short story that makes you want to get invested into the overarching narrative.
On a smaller note, I'm typically up in the air about the effectiveness of italics. There's a balance between using too few and using too many, and you struck that balance well.
Glad you enjoyed!