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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence Mature Content

Jazzlyn Diaz’s greatest desires

by vampricone6783


*This is a sequel to my story “Jazzlyn Diaz’s supernatural secret”. This is under my folder titled “Jazzlyn’s adventures!”. Gacha Club character designs are on my wall. Enjoy!*



Introduction

It had been days upon days of searching in the woods, but Jazzlyn had finally found the blue deer.

The creature that took her humanity and the life of her friend, the being that made her feel like less, the nightmare that plagued her brain…

She finally found it.

Chapter One

It was Jazzlyn and the deer in the woods, its glowing orange eyes taunting her.

The voices of her parents and Amoret whispered in her ears, begging her to relax, to live her life, but she wouldn’t listen. She couldn’t live until the deer was dead.

With teeth bared and eyes dilated, she pounced on the mystic demon.

Chapter Two

It writhed and screamed under her claws, but she didn’t stop. The eyes had to go, the orange eyes had to be hers.

Her claws took hold of the cool, glass-like orbs and ripped them out of the steam, marbles in her hands.

That was all the deer ever was. Steam.

Chapter Three

The eyes were in her claw. All she had to do was wait for the orange energy to flow back to her and become human.

The energy didn’t come. The eyes disappeared, just like the deer.

What?

Chapter Four

It didn’t matter. A voice sang in her mind. It was the voice of the deer, the voice of the one who tormented her for many years.

But what was it doing in Jazzlyn’s head? Didn’t she kill it?

Chapter Five

Your human energy was never there in the first place. Your human energy had disappeared the moment you touched me. You’re a monster, and I’m dead. Goodbye.

The deer’s voice spoke clearly, every word a concise fact, before it left completely, leaving the hold of Jazzlyn’s mind.

It was no use. Already, it had been sent in stone.

She was forever a monster.

Chapter Six

Jazzlyn flew from the ground, towards the sky, battered, blackened wings carrying her back home, away from the looping world of the woods.

What was the point? Everyone was gone. There was no where else to go. No one else to be.

Yet, by instinct, she kept flying.

Chapter Seven

Halloween was coming up. She could come back to school and put on another “costume” for them all to see.

They’d admire her, she wouldn’t be hiding, and she wouldn’t have to tell the truth. Jazzlyn could live a “normal” life.

It was that simple.

Chapter Eight

Jazzlyn had made it back to school, just in time to think of a creature  to be for her next Halloween party.  The sun was starting to set, and she could very easily become a different monster. But at the moment, she would masquerade as a human, like she always did. She wasn’t an authentic human, but no one knew or cared, did they?

In the corners of her mind was the voices of those she knew in the past, those she longed to be with, but could not.

Jazzlyn smiled bitterly. Such was the way of life.

Chapter Nine

FLASHBACK

Jazzlyn laughed as she and Amoret ran in the woods, searching for fairies.

There was something that Amoret wanted, though. Something far more fantastical.

A magical animal, perhaps?

Chapter Ten

Jazzlyn grinned at the other students when the other kids smiled at her, spoke to them when the others spoke to her, and kept all previous thoughts blocked off in her head.

She did not yet know what she would be for Halloween, but she’d figure it out soon enough.

Chapter Eleven

Jazzlyn sat in class, listening to the teacher drone on with her words. Everyone except her had humane things to worry about, average things to worry about.

Did the deer lie about killing a human to become human? Jazzlyn wasn’t sure. Jazzlyn wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

Living in the shadows, yet shining through her exterior, was beginning to become quite the hefty burden…

Chapter Twelve

FLASHBACK

From Amoret’s thoughts, a blue and pink striped deer with brilliant orange eyes appeared in front of her.

“Whatever you wish, I will grant it.” The deer said.

Amoret grinned. It was magic? It could do whatever she wanted?

Then maybe she and Jazzlyn would actually have some fun!

Chapter Thirteen

“Can we come to your Halloween party?” A girl whose name Jazzlyn didn’t know asked once class was over.

“Yes, you can. In fact, I’m inviting everyone over.” Jazzlyn said with a smile.

Usually, she said no, but at that time, she was ready to do anything.

Anything to get what she wanted.

Chapter Fourteen

A FEW HOURS LATER

“Your house looks so abandoned! It’s very realistic!” A boy said.

It had been a few hours since school. Jazzlyn invited everyone over to her house, and she didn’t bother to decorate, for everything had already gone to ruins. Her own parents weren’t there anymore, no one was.

But that would change soon.

“Thank you.” Jazzlyn said with a sharp-toothed smile.

Chapter Fifteen

Jazzlyn watched as the kids danced along, never stopping to think that maybe they shouldn’t knock down that vase or throw their drinks against the wall.

There was the girl from school earlier, dressed as a Princess, who had thrown food on the wall, laughing along with her friends.

She had parents to go home to, a family to live with.

At least, at the moment.

Chapter Sixteen

“Hey you, in the Princess costume!” Jazzlyn called out.

The girl turned to look at her, elated surprise scrawled on her face.

“Come with me, I have something to show you.” Jazzlyn said with a grin.

The girl waved goodbye to her friends, something Jazzlyn used to do, before joining her.

Chapter Seventeen

“Where are we going?” The girl asked.

“Outside. I’m just going to talk you, it’s alright.” Jazzlyn said.

Down the hall, past the over-excited, hyper kids.

No more of hiding away as a monster.

Chapter Eighteen

Jazzlyn brought her claw around the girl’s neck. The girl couldn’t scream, her eyes were bugged out.

Flashes of the deer came in Jazzlyn’s mind, flashes of blue smoke leaving Amoret’s brain appeared in her head.

Oh no...it couldn’t be…it couldn’t…

Chapter Nineteen

From Amoret’s head came the blue deer, with the pink stripes.

Jazzlyn saw the hope in her eyes, the wish in her face.

All Amoret wanted was an imaginative, fun game. Just like Jazzlyn.

Just like Jazzlyn.

Chapter Twenty

It was Amoret who had done it. It was Amoret who brought the deer. No it, wasn’t willingly, but she still did it.

Jazzlyn let go of the girl. The girl ran off, looking at her like the monster she was, fueled by fright.

Jazzlyn let her claws fall to her side. Her enormous, sharpened claws, stained with the blood of a life that was almost taken…

Chapter Twenty-One

Why was there a party? To find a victim? Had she almost succumbed to the darkness, gave herself up to what went wrong with Amoret’s imagination?

Jazzlyn had to stop it all. Stop the party, the fun, and the lies.

It had to end.

Chapter Twenty-Two

“Everyone, leave! Now! There’s a rat infestation and it’s spreading fast! RUN! Listen to me! Heed my words!” Jazzlyn screeched.

Her voice echoed with the volume of a demon’s, it had a trancelike quality to it. Not a soul questioned her words, all ran out the door. Nobody even commented on the lack of rats, too lost in their own fear.

She had the whole house to herself.

Chapter Twenty-Three

The ghosts were crawling in, Jazzlyn could feel their presence.

Her past was coming back, but she wouldn’t run from it. Not anymore.

She would be there to embrace it.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Her parents coming to hug her, her friend coming to see her, and…and…

And the deer at the end of the hall.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Amoret was dead, there was no way she could cling to the deer.

Perhaps, Jazzlyn was the one who clung to it? Who clung desperately at the past which could not be salvaged?

Chapter Twenty-Six

Please, go away. I’m fine with where I am. Please, leave me be. Jazzlyn wished in her mind.

She hoped that the deer would hear, but she wouldn’t mind if the ghosts took her.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

A flash came upon Jazzlyn’s mind, a memory that wasn’t hers.

The car crash of Amoret’s parents, the deer was there.

Amoret’s imaginary friend had made it happen into existence. Because death was eternal, and if Amoret and her parents were dead, they could all be together. Amoret had gotten taken in by her Grandparents from her Mom’s side, because they lived close and loved her dearly, yet even they could not keep her from the death that was to come.

But Jazzlyn didn’t want to die. Not really. There was still so much to live for, so much to pursue.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Deep down, Jazzlyn still had a purpose. She thought that she had defeated the deer back in the woods by simply taking its eyes, but Amoret could always imagine it back.

By holding onto her pasts, the ghosts were bound to Earth. Only Jazzlyn could free them. By freeing them, she would free herself.

She’d finally live the life that she deserved.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

“You’re all still deep in my heart, now please, go home. I’ll be there one day.” Jazzlyn said.

The ghosts stared at her, puzzled. The deer slightly flickered.

“I’m asking you to have peace. I’ll be fine. I promise.” Jazzlyn said.

She focused on letting the love seep out of her, an invisible steam trail, and float towards the lingering ghosts.

Epilogue

No longer did Jazzlyn see the deer or the ghosts. She existed in the darkness, living the rich, secretive life of a monster.

When she died, she found peace with her family. Yet in life, she still lived gracefully.

For even monsters have a life worth living.

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Sat Mar 02, 2024 5:13 am
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WeepingWisteria wrote a review...



Hey, vampricone! Wist is back for the sequel. This story is quite the follow-up to your first work. There's a good use of foreshadowing and payoff in this story. With that said, let's jump into your work.

My main problem with your work is that it's all based on the idea that Amoret is dead when she was rescued and sent back to her parents at the end of the previous installment. When did Amoret die? You never mention Amoret dying after Supernatural Secret, and you write this story as if she did die in that. Did I misunderstand the ending? Is there some missing prologue? It makes the story quite confusing to readers who have read Supernatural Secret.

Her claws took hold of the cool, glass-like orbs and plunged them out of the steam, marbles in her hands.

There are a couple of problems with this sentence. One, it's sort of disjointed. We start the sentence with her grabbing the eyes. You use plunge, which is not the best word choice, as plunge means to go into something, not take something out. Did you mean pluck? Then, you suddenly describe how the eyes feel without any lead-up. We jump from action to description with no verb to switch to description. Two, where did the steam come from? I don't remember you describing the deer dissipating into steam. The steam just appeared.

The eyes disappeared, just like the deer.

This was a lovely plot twist, especially coming from your first book. You spent so much time building the deer as the main enemy that seeing its defeat means nothing hits you.

A magical animal, perhaps?

Ooh, foreshadowing. We love to see it. However, I do want to say that referencing Amoret as wanting a magical animal as the first line of foreshadowing is a little heavy-handed and would make most people guess that Amoret's mind invented the deer. However, that is not the only plot twist, so it's not the end.

From Amoret's head came the blue deer, with the pink stripes.

Oh, the pink stripes are back! Gender reveal deer.

If you want to keep the chapters, combine Chapters Twenty-One and Twenty-Two.

No longer did Jazzlyn see the deer or the ghosts. She existed in the darkness, living the rich, secretive life of a monster.
When she died, she found peace with her family. Yet in life, she still lived gracefully.
Even monsters have a life worth living.

I don't know if it's too late, but I don't get this ending. I can't comprehend it. One, we're back to whether or not Amoret is dead. Two, why does Jazzlyn have control over all the ghosts? Is Jazzlyn imaginary? Why does she stay a monster when she has released her past? When did her parents start talking to her like ghosts? This was never brought up in the previous story. I can see what you were going for, but I don't think you established the necessary background.

As I said in the last story, I think this would flow better without the chapter breaks for all of the reasons I stated in my previous review. Again, this is a sequel with great potential. It just needs some more foundation. I hope you keep going and maybe revisit this series to help it reach its true potential.

Happy Writing!
Wist




vampricone6783 says...


Amoret died from the deer. Her parents died in a car crash caused from the deer, and as you know, Jazzlyn killed her parents.

Jazzlyn can%u2019t ever be human, because that%u2019s not something she can obtain. She has to accept that she%u2019ll be a monster. She%u2019s holding onto her human past with her friend and her parents.



vampricone6783 says...


And after Amoret%u2019s parents died, she was taken in by her Grandparents.




But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red