Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well here we are at yet another one of these stories, and it seems connected to a familiar one too. I loved seeing this extra perspective of it from a person who wasn't actively being tricked into getting murdered. It definitely showcases just how evil things really were there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Evangeline. She had a younger sister named Celestria.

Their parents were always busy with work, so Evangeline was really the only one who took care of Celestria.

It was like that for years and was fine with the sisters, for they had developed a close bond over the years.

But all would not always be content. For when Prom came at their high school, Evangeline did not dance, but was staring at the crumpled body of Celestria on the street, a pale boy smiling at her.

“Did you..” Evangeline asked, not bearing to finish the sentence. Who was this boy, to smile so happily at her, as if this were all just a game?

“Yes. I murdered her. She was annoying anyway. Now, since you know too much, I’m going to kill you too.” He said.

He chased her. She couldn’t outrun him. She wanted to, but couldn’t.

Who was he to kill her like that? Who was he to call her annoying when he didn’t even know her?

The boy held in her viselike grip. She screamed, but by then she was at the end dead of a forgotten street. No one heard her.

He bit into her neck with alien teeth. The teeth didn’t feel human, that was for certain. She was being bitten by a monster for all she knew.

Evangeline had left Celestria alone for one second and she had died. No matter, she would join her.

When she ascended to Heaven with her sister, she’d make sure to never make the same mistake again…

It was really nice! keep up the great work!

Okay. I'd like to give you a comment/review. My thoughts on this story.
1. I liked how the story made my heart pound, even though it was short.
2. I liked the description of his teeth being alien, although it felt a little cut off.
3. The sentence at the end makes me interested in what the next stories are. How will she stop it from happening? I think that is a great way to end it.
4. There was a sentence with a passive verb that would have been more effective as an active verb (that is, "She was chased by him" would be better as "He chased her")
4. Finally, the story should have more description, as people will want to understand the story without reading other places with these characters. I have not read your other stories with the characters, and it made me kinda confused when I was reading the beginning part in particular.

Hi, hello! This is Ina speaking. I am here to write a little comment/review. Anyways, let's get into it.

I like how mysterious this story could be. But it's pretty confusing if you don't read the other chapters/stories that are related to this one. It's pretty good over all but I think you should add more detail and description of about Evangeline and how she died. I feel like these lines:

"The boy held in her viselike grip. She screamed, but by then she was at the end dead of a forgotten street. No one heard her."

And

"He bit into her neck with alien teeth. The teeth didn’t feel human, that was for certain. She was being bitten by a monster for all she knew."

It felt cut short. I was kinda expecting it to have the description of blood and the dead corpse on the street.

I hope this helps! Have a good morning, day, afternoon, or night. By the way, she looks pretty as a Gatcha Club character.

I'm here to give a comment/review!

First of all, this story is short and fast, and I love how it makes my heart pound. It's really interesting but I wish it could have been a little longer.


"The boy held in her viselike grip. She screamed, but by then she was at the end dead of a forgotten street. No one heard her.

He bit into her neck with alien teeth. The teeth didn’t feel human, that was for certain. She was being bitten by a monster for all she knew."


This part was really enjoyable to read! Good job, and keep it up!