Young Writers Society

Hi hi hi vampricone! I saw this f l o a t i n g around the green room and thought, TIME TO REVIEW so here I am.

anyways.

First off, I like the image at the end, (I assume it's made with gacha and self-made?,) lets you know what Draven looks like. At least, I think it's Draven.

The time when kids knew who was with who and which ones were the loners.

So relatable. The strat to avoid this is NOT GO TO THE PROM AT ALL LMAO. (Homecoming has always been a nightmare for me fr fr)

Also, I like the intro. We already know Draven. He like a girl name Celestria. The wordplay on the names make it almost seem like an angel/demon forbidden romance thing that I imagined immediately when I heard it, but . . . I guess we'll have to see.

Draven thought that surely, Celestria would have someone. Who could resist her long, blood red hair and her eagerness to do, well, anything?

Whoops. Now, it's pretty much assumed Celestria is a demon as well RIP. there goes the forbidden love.

Actually, this is kind of important. You've mentioned names, but you haven't mentioned what exactly they are. Without the image at the end, most people would assume that Draven and Celestria are just humans with strange names . . . unless they are . . .

The person was a boy with…red eyes? How was that possible? He was so pale, too, like a…like a vampire. But vampires didn’t even exist.

GET AWAY from Draven's lil crush you VAMPIRE. Also, why is Draven bamboozled by the kid's red eyes? Is the eye color not normal? I would feel like there are other characteristics of vampires that are a little more unique, I guess.

Celestria and the boy were waltzing with each other straight out of the school and into the open. Draven saw. He was following them.

Ummm stalker behavior question mark? A little conflicted over how Draven is acting right now. It doesn't seem like the dude did anything wrong, so that's no reason to follow them around.

A red car, red like Celestria’s hair, the boy’s eyes, and the blood pooling around the street, crushed and crumpled her into a sad mass of skin and clothes.

. . . . . . .

Well that went from 0 to 100 real quick huh. Honestly was . . . not exactly expecting a death? You could have done a little more dark foreshadowing so the reader doesn't get too surprised, because if I just picked this up for a casual read, I may have dropped it after seeing Celestria die.

I would suggest, though, let Draven kind of . . . not understand what's happening? I think he realized what happened too soon. Let him kind of stand still in shock, like

Huh? What happened? Why . . . why is she on the street? Draven laughed hesitantly. This is a joke, right? Right?

Draven would tell her. He would step up.

He would love her.

I see. So now I've realized this is a backstory, which makes a little more sense as to why everything happened so quickly.

Also, I like how the reader can expect a revenge arc from Draven, but I would like some info on what lil vampire boi did all that for? What were vampy's motives? What's his name? At some point, you do need some kind of info dump.

Anyways, thanks for giving me the opportunit to review this!

-yosh

eggo isn't actually eggs

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This is an exciting new perspective into Celestria's story and what happened there. Now I almost want to know more and see what happened to Draven and if perhaps it means this entire place was attacked somehow or it was just Draven.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Once, there was a teenage boy named Draven. He loved a girl in his class named Celestria, but he didn’t know how to express his feelings to her.

So he didn’t say anything to her. Why bother? She might not love him back. She was always lost in her own world.

And then Prom came along. The big dance. The time when kids knew who was with who and which ones were the loners.

Draven thought that surely, Celestria would have someone. Who could resist her long, blood red hair and her eagerness to do, well, anything?

Ooooh well this is an interesting place to start. Certainly a lot of stakes coming into play here and already you've done a great job of establishing a scenario for exactly those stakes to play out. I think it definitely manages to do enough to properly get our attention here. Let's see how this plays out.

But she had no one. He saw her, sitting in a corner of the gym, all by herself. She was holding a cup of soda. She looked so sad, standing there all by herself.

This was it! His chance to tell her! He didn’t have to hide!

Draven began walking up to her. He could do it! He could tell her-

Someone else was approaching her. Someone he hadn’t seen before.

He stopped walking.

The person was a boy with…red eyes? How was that possible? He was so pale, too, like a…like a vampire. But vampires didn’t even exist.

She seemed reluctant to the boy at first, but her eyes lit up when he extended a hand for her.

Something wasn’t right.

Ooooh well that was quite the little twist there and suddenly I think I remember exactly which story this is from. Well it looks like poor Celestria is definitely about to be led away to her doom and well this is a very exciting POV to witness that particular scene in.

Celestria and the boy were waltzing with each other straight out of the school and into the open. Draven saw. He was following them.

No one noticed them. No one stopped them. Not even the teachers. It was as if the three of them were in their own little world.

The boy smiled as he pushed Celestria into the street-

ZOOM!

A red car, red like Celestria’s hair, the boy’s eyes, and the blood pooling around the street, crushed and crumpled her into a sad mass of skin and clothes.

Draven’s scream died in his throat.

Well yup. That description was slightly more powerful than I was expecting to see there. Wow. It seems this person just had no choice but to quietly observe as that horror just played out so quickly. I didn't think this scene was something so fast having scene it from the two other POV's but this puts into perspective quite how purposeful of a murder this was and it makes it that much more powerful.

How could someone do something like that? Push someone out into the street?

How?

The haze he was in broke. Draven blinked his eyes. Following them, he felt so…lost. So…dead.

Now? He was alarmingly awake.

And cold. He really needed to get back inside…tell everyone what happened…

Draven walked the first step of the entrance stairs-

“You’re not leaving.” A velvet voice whispered in his ear.

Draven couldn’t move. He was being held by someone.

A clawed, bone-white hand slithered in front of him…it was so close…it was going for his neck-

Oh well this is interesting. I was expecting perhaps a confrontation with the murder or something along those lines to be going further on this one but it seems instead another mysterious entity of some sort has gone ahead and attacked Draven here. Well let's see where this is going.

Why was everything so hot? Burning hot? What was the deal?

Draven opened his eyes.

Everything was burning. He was in a volcano, fire and lava pulsing around him like a sickened blood vessel.

But he didn’t feel that much pain. He was just hot. That was all.

Draven looked down at his hands.

Why were they so white? Why were his nails so long-

CRUNCH

Draven looked down.

A mirror!

He picked it up.

Oooh we're really tapping into some trippy stuff on this one. I think its a wonderful choice there in terms of just sheer power in terms of how scary this manages to sound although it is incredibly mysterious now what exactly is happening in this moment.

Draven wasn’t looking at himself.

He was looking at an albino demon, with red eyes like the boy and a slinking, writhing tail behind him.

He was in eternal damnation.

But what did he do to deserve it? Was it because he followed them? Because he never told Celestria how he felt? Just lingered in the shadows, never quite existing?

Was Fear his Sin?

Well. If this really was Hell and he really was dead, then certainly, Celestria was in Heaven. He simply couldn’t imagine her being anywhere else.

Draven would tell her. He would step up.

He would love her.

Well this is an interesting one. A bit more mysterious than I thought it was going to be and we have almost an unexplained turn into a demon. Its even more interesting though because it seems even though Draven was turned into a demon, someone he has the choice to still be there for Celestria and choses to do that instead of thinking too much on what brought him to this position. A rare bittersweet ending here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a powerful new story. I think you revealed a side of this sort of death of celestria's storyline that we've never managed to see before and somehow enhanced that story in that process. A lovely little piece on the whole.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate