Young Writers Society

Hey Vampricone! I'm here to leave you a review! Hope it helps!

First - I think it's always great that you include a little bit of an author's note to help readers understand where this story exists inside the rest of your literary universe - that's a great tool for readers to understand what's going on and read from piece to piece.

Story One: 1. Haunted by Violet

Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw Violet crackling and breaking away.

^ This is a really unique way to describing human movement - so I like that you already hint here that something un-natural is occurring.

I notice this quite a bit in your writing, but you don't always write in complete sentences which will always have a subject and verb. For instance, "All the time. As if this were her fault. As if she were to blame." all of these are incomplete sentences. I think it is okay to write outside the typical grammar rules for poetic interest or flow and other reasons - and maybe that's a particular style you like - but I do think that will distract some readers so thought I'd mention it. A good way to see if your sentence is complete or not, is to put it in Word and see if there are red or green lines under it.

One day, she would realize just how special she was. How lovely she was.

Here I'm not sure if the she is Violet or Philippa.

I think this first story is quite vague - I'd love to know about what sort of monster Violet is and how her being a monster is connected to Philippa's low self-esteem. Many areas ready for expansion, but great beginning / opening I'd say as far as descriptive skills.

Story Two: 2. Jennifer’s love
The spookiness in this story comes from the anonymous "they" in "They were everywhere" - it's interesting that nothing really "happens" in this story and yet it is unsettling.

I think you're missing a word in this sentence: "She get this done with." (maybe "She had to get this done with." ?)


Story Three: 3. Not enemies, but not lovers either
This story has some confusing / concerning spots to it.

How could a demon be in heaven? I'm not sure what sort of religious portrayal of heaven you are going for, but that doesn't really mesh with any religion that I've studied. Usually the demonic aren't in heaven - so that doesn't make sense.

I think you may want to use a different word than "lovers" for the relationship between Violet and Philippa if you aren't implying a romantic physical relationship between them which the word "lovers" would ordinarily imply - which as a reader I would find quite concerning given that they are children.

I think this: "They could still speak nicely with each other. In fact, they were close, kind friends." is an area you could delve into a little more - what did they say to each other? Especially if one is alive and one is dead...

Story Four: 4. Plight of a clown

He would make her feel like she wasn’t a clown. A joke.

^ Why is "A Joke" at the end there? does it belong with the preceding sentence?

This story is a little less spooky and just saddening - I wonder where it's going, it feels like it is just beginning. Is there a reason the girl's eyes are red? Why do her parents force her to be part of the circus? Why do they love money so much?

I'm intrigued by that one.

Story Five: 5. After Nova found her

This is the shortest short story I've ever read. What is the "everything" referring to at the end - very ominous. This one also is not really spooky, just ambiguous.

--

Overall, I think you have some good starts here that could really be developed into something interesting - the last few don't seem to connect with the first ones, so it was a little different to review them all at once. Their moods are different too. The first three have a spooky / eerie vibe, but the last two are mostly sad. I this with expansion you could develop your plot and characters more fully. For story three - I think you probably want to be careful with the age implication there - I would think most readers would not be alright with a portrayal of underage lovers.

My favorite of the five is the one about the circus - I think that has some intriguing potential story avenues with that character.

Good luck in the rest of your writing!

alliyah

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well this was a nice little collection here. I think you've managed to go and touch on quite the range of emotions with these and I think pretty much all of them work quite nicely as little snippets except perhaps the last one being a little too short.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Sometimes Philippa thought that she saw Violet. Out of the corner of her eye, she thought she saw Violet crackling and breaking away.

And Violet would call out her name. All the time. As if this were her fault.

As if she were to blame.

But Philippa knew better. She knew that Violet was the monster, not her.

Yet she couldn’t help feeling responsible. It was her curse. To put herself down. Demonize herself.

One day, Philippa would stop. One day, she would realize just how special she was. How lovely she was.

Until then, Violet would haunt her.

Well that's quite the little tale there. Wasn't expecting to see that but its a nice little one. I don't quite know if its a tale so much as almost a little diary entry but I think its pretty nicely done. It sets that tone quite well and showcases its tiny little plot quite well. Good little short story to kick us off there.

Philippa couldn’t ignore the stares. They were everywhere. Everyone would steal a long glance at her. She couldn’t eat her sandwich without feeling like she was being watched.

Jennifer smiled at her. It was supposed to be reassuring, but she didn’t feel reassured.

She shouldn’t worry about them. They didn’t matter.

Her family taught her that how one presented themselves mattered. Her family also taught her that the opinion of the general public was of “utmost importance”.

Well that's a pretty typical start right there for Phillipa. Love the way you've gone and immediately established out problem there and then you also go on quite well to showcase exactly why this thing is such a problem. I think that's very well done here.

But not Jennifer. Jennifer loved her, she knew her, she cared about her.

Philippa took a deep breath.

She could do this. She was just eating lunch. She get this done with.

She took a bite out of her sandwich.

Well that's a pretty neat end to it. Well it does seem like Phillipa isn't fully convinced there but it seems at least due to the love that she has she's somehow setting off on the right path and do what must be done which is still a quite encouraging sign to see there.

Philippa visited Jennifer sometimes in Heaven. She still wanted to see her, even after death.

Her visits didn’t matter, though. It wasn’t the same anyway. It never got to be.

Her heart was Nova’s now. Jennifer was just a distant memory, a pleasant dream.

Not to say that she didn’t believe in her. Jennifer helped her feel a little more alive than before. That was why Philippa visited her, because she was important. Because she was loved. Because she was Jennifer, the first to make her feel.

They could still speak nicely with each other. In fact, they were close, kind friends.

But never they could never be the lovers that they once were.

Never.

Ooooh this is an interesting one. I think we have already seen that this relationship was a beautiful one even after all the horrors and deaths that occurred but to see some confirmation that it still exists in some capacity even after all of what's happened is quite nice.

It wasn’t like Philippa could do anything about her situation. As she tossed and turned in bed, she couldn’t stop dreading the next morning, when she would perform…

But she wished she could.

She never liked her family’s circus. It was loud and messy and gross. Her parents only wanted the money. They’d do anything to get it. Those greedy old mongrels wanted money, money, money.

So Philippa (not by choice) performed as a clown there. Everyone, especially the syrup-faced child, pointed out out her six foot height, her ruby red eyes. Her differences that stuck out.

Well another typical day for poor Phillipa it would seem. This time though it seems to be a little bit more backwards in time if I'm not mistaken with her family being in the picture quite so prominently. Well let's see where exactly we're going to be headed, it could just be a part I haven't quite read before.

When her older brother Conrad was around, he would comfort her. He would make her feel like she wasn’t a clown. A joke.

But then he grew up and decided that he was too busy for her.

Of course everyone loved Lily. Her little sister who their parents took to the circus from time to time. She was so cute! So nice! So sweet! So perfect!

That never happened when she was little. Most called her (and still did) “A red-eyed, skeletal, demonic creature”. Some called her a “poor, pitiful little girl” which was even worse, because the people who said that were the ones who would laugh at her with their eyes. Not their tongues, but their eyes.

Oh no. She was crying.

Philippa shoved her face in the pillow, to mask her tears, her sadness.

No.more.crying. That wasn’t allowed..

Well that confirms where in the story this one manages to be from. A powerful little moment that to touch on. Just that point where things were at an incredibly low point for Poor Phillipa after things were somewhat good and before things could start slowly going towards good again. Its a nice little moment of that interlude. As the longest piece here this one takes its time diving into some emotions and I think it does quite well.

Maybe things didn’t turn out the way Philippa imagined, but at least she had Nova.

At least they could be together despite circumstances.

Despite everything…

Well that's a sweet little message to end on there although I do have to say that maybe that one could do with a little bit more writing there because it is on the smaller side and doesn't quite fully work as a standalone piece.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall a pretty solid showing this one. As always we've got some pretty fun little stories that managed to be very unique despite being about the same person's life that we've already partially heard about. All I'd suggest is perhaps adding a little more to the very last story.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Kate