Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...this was a pretty interesting piece here. I don't believe I've seen something quite along these lines here, especially with this whole birthday detail that stands out as quite unique to me.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The first thing I though at seven fifty five am was "Happy freakin birthday to me" Then I wanted to go back to sleep. In a couple hours Im supposed to be downstairs enjoying the festivities of the birthday ball. After all four hundred-ninty nine others in the school are celebrating their birthday as well. I pulled the covers over my head and tried going back to sleep when i suddently heard my door being rattled. I smiled to myself already knowing who was going to be walking into my room within a matter of seconds.
"Happy seventeenth birthday to us! whoo-hoo, one more year baby one more year" my boyfriend Alex yelled as he jumped into bed with me.
"Violet, get up." My best friend Sadie pulled the covers off me. "I cant find my birthday gown it was there last night and now..." she trailed off looking down.
"What do you mean you cant find it?" I paced already knowing who took it. "Do you know if Maxeen and her click took it?"
Sadie shrugged. "maybe."
That maybe was all i needed to help me decide what i was going to do next. "Alright give me a few minutes." I got up and made my way towards the bathroom.
Okayy...well this is quite something. We've got a very interesting situation tossed out as right from the very beginning with this whole five hundred people having the same birthday situation. That combined with this pretty natural dialogue here that does pull you in quite well makes for a pretty solid looking start here to this piece.
After I took a quick shower and got dressed I went out only to find Sadie sitting on the edge of my bed with her head In her hands and Alex watching television. I gave alex a quick kiss. "I'll see you downstairs.later." I specified. Alex knowing when he's not wanted gave me a tight smile and left.
"Sadie c'mon. I already know that Maxeen probably destroyed the dress so we'll pretend that nothin happened and get you a new one."
Sadie looked at me like I was crazy. "We're supposed to be in formal wear in about two hours! how the hell am I going to find a dress in less than two hours?"
I smiled that wicked smile. "I know just the right place, or shall i say person." Sadie gave me a stern look. "Your crazy you know that." she said returning the smile.
Okayy...well this is going pretty neatly so far. I think you're building up some very interesting dynamics between these characters and the friendship and such is just there to see in the way they communicate an interact. Its a wonderful little moment to be starting off on here.
I tied my hair and quickly made my way to Maxeen's room with Sadie close behind. As we reached her door I listened for any signs of activity inside. One of the perks of being a Casper was super hearing. Once I was sure that no one was inside I gave Sadie the go ahead as she quickly pick locked Maxeen's door.
"We're in." She whispered.
"Alright you stand guard. If you see anyone coming towards here give a small cough and I'll be out." After I got a nod from Sadie took my chance at going In.
The first thing that I noticed as I entered Maxeen's room was that literally everything was pink including her mini fridge. I personally hated the color pink and wanted nothing more than to get out of her room as soon as possible. I quickly located her closet and behind a rack of her clothes was a dress that looked dry cleaned and judging by the color I had a feeling that It belonged to Maxeen. I sighed and grabbed the dress.
Back In my room Sadie and I could'nt contain our laughter any longer. "God, why does it have to be pink?" Sadie asked looking up.
OKay...that seems like very casually "borrowing" a dress, but I suppose this is something that maybe happens relatively often given how casually and easily it was pulled off. At any rate, it presents a couple of interesting questions about this new character that gets mentioned here. At any rate, this lovely sense of camaraderie is certainly continuing in a pretty intriguing direction here.
I patted her on the back. "I hate to break it to ya kiddo but I dont think he's gonna answer you anytime soon." I confirmed as I made my way towards the door and locked it.
"So can I finally see you in your birthday gown?" She asked smiling.
I though about it for a second. "Alright just let me go change your going to love It."
"Alrighty then I'll change in her so be quick." She replied.
Once inside the bathroom and into my dress I looked at my reflection in the mirror and sighed. Being a casper had it perks. All Caspers has silky hair, colored eyes, and a fit body with a poreless face. All of my friends tease me and say that the whisperers took extra time when they were creating me because truth of the matter is in a room full of Caspers I stand out. While most Caspers have dark colored hair I have light blond hair with black roots. While every casper had any one set of colored eyes I have grey eyes that are outlined with a thin line of gold, and while most caspers have a round face i got stuck with a sharp and toned bone structure. Since all of my classmates are used to my looks they dont stare but when older Caspers see me they usually stare a little longer than normal and even though im used to it I cant help but feel like I dont belong.
Hmm...this is perhaps the one part here that I find to be just ever so slightly questionable here, because we slow down all the wonderful momentum that was being built up by those lovely descriptions in favor of what ends up being a little bit of a wall of text there. Some of that description could add something good here, but I think this needs to be trimmed a bit.
"Do I have to barge in there cause I will do it." Sadie yelled. "Five, four, three-"
"Im out, ok!" I yelled as I opened the bathroom door and stepped out onto the hardwood floor.
Sadie gasped. "How...what? my good you look beutiful." She finished speechless.
I laughed and tilted my head while twirling in my dress. It was a silky black strapless piece that flowed all the way to the floor. It hung in all the right places and showed off all my curves when I seen it I knew that it was going to be perfect.
Hmm, see the description here is done well, this way it doesn't interfere with the general flow of this story, but rather adds on nicely to it. That I think makes for a much more better flow here and makes the story that much better to read.
"I know your just saying that but thanks anyways." She then handed me my crown or should say 'the crown' that every girl had to wear. The crown was bejeweled with diamonds and was flashy once downstairs I would see two hundred and fifty matching ones. Sadie and i put our crowns on at the same time and looked at our reflections in the mirror. We looked...decent.
"Ok" sadie began taking my hand, "I'm going to warn you that the guys are going to be looking at you alot today" Sadie giggled as I raised my eyebrows at ,"I mean more than they already do."
Well...this cute little dynamic between the two of them is really proving to be quite awesome here. I think you're doing a very good job on that side of things and its coupling well with the hints of what could happen soon to make this into a pretty formidable first chapter here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this makes for a pretty solid piece here. You've got a pretty interesting world built up here, and this dynamic between our two characters is something I'm especially enjoying quite a bit here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254788
Reviews: 4107
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