Published June 12, 2011
He left that night his head held high,
loving her with a sad goodybe.
The pain eating at him day by day,
no matter what the doctors would say.
There was no denying his second home,
the thought of it crippled his bones.
First his mother, now him,
for the last time leukemia would win.
She searched for him,time and time,
an answer she wanted no matter how grim.
The day of the funeral the winds were strong,
the smallest of voices was heard from above.
'cancer was always the answer.'
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140,212 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
That's a really Amazing poem I like it.
Hmm. I got that this was supposed to be sad, but really, I honestly didn't FEEL sad. Why? Lacking in emotion! Try to add some emotion, and a bit more imagery too, please. The rhyme scheme can be good, but personally, I think it's holding you back in this particular piece.
Well, as I already said, this idea could be improved. You could make a poem that would stand out with dark emotion, if you worked at this. Give it a try, eh? *Coaxing grin*
hello vampireacademyfreak3!
I want to start of with saying that this is a really sad write, just like LittleLionWomen said. Nice rhyming and I really like how you ended the poem.
I am here to review your piece (ofcourse)
Just a little nitpick:
Other than that this is a really good write and I'm happy I've read it. I hope this helped a little
-qaralynn-
Wow. That was very sad. One thing I should say is the very first line, "He left that night his held high," Do you mean He left that night his HEAD held high? It just confused me a little and I read it over a couple times, thus distracting from the actual poem. However, great poem, very powerful. I love the cleaver rhyming scheme here. Anyways I loved it! ^-^