Love is a strange word. It's one of the most used words in the world; one of the most heavily expressed human emotions that transcends time and culture. People have been lovers since we first developed complex thought. It is the motive behind everything we accomplish and strive for. It has all this meaning behind it, and yet, as I say it, it leaves something to be desired. Saying "I love you" doesn't necessarily have the same power as people say it's supposed to have. Who knows, maybe it's just so played out at this point that no one can really internalize the meaning of it anymore. Maybe it's because we're forced to say it so often to the people we know we want to love even when we can't find it within ourselves to actually give our hearts to them. Maybe it's just evolved and taken on so many different connotations that no one can be sure of the words definition anymore. When I think about it, all of these reasons make sense for why I find love to be an unimaginative word. It explains why I find it strange to say to someone unless it's to appease them or otherwise mean it with the same amount of weight and value that I believe it was originally intended to hold. Needless to say, I have some issues I need to deal with, but that's neither here nor there. I just want to save my love for someone I know won't end up disappointing me in the end.
***
The campfire burned brightly in the murky night air. The dancing flames faintly illuminated the dense mass of pines, cedars, and oaks closing in on us from all sides, separating us from the sky and obscuring everything beyond our small mass of cabins. A small group of us campers was circled tightly around the blaze as we roasted hotdogs and made small talk. I could feel the ruddy light burning against my cold, blue eyes, piercing them with a heat that almost made my eyes water. With a huff stood up and walked off a bit, deciding to withdraw from the festivities for a time and seclude myself at the end of a log bench a bit farther off from the fire so I could cool myself. I took a sharp intake of the brisk, chilled wind as it brushed my dark hair across my face. In the dark I cleared my head and took in the scenic surroundings with a feeling of melancholic serenity. The only other person that would've come out here with me was back at the girls' cabins grabbing marshmallows and other supplies for the fire. I took the time alone to reflect on the day.
It was the end of the first day at Camp Oakwood, a sleep away camp in the forest that was only a few hours of the town were I lived. After being designated this cabin unit, our team, Team Maple Leaf, had decided to celebrate the beginning of our three weeks of living in these woods. It was a sort of tradition for me as well as number of the other teenagers in our town to take part since the people of town had organized the camp and got the local high school to advertise it. It was easy enough to recognize everyone I was grouped with since they were there previous years and most of them went to school with me. After a minute of surveying though, I noticed someone. There was a guy sitting on the other side of the bench I was on staring dejectedly at the campfire and the people huddled around it talking and laughing with one another. Unlike the others around the fire, I didn't recognize him at all from school or previous camp years. He looked slightly bigger than me, his the firelight giving his tan skin and amber eyes a warm glow. Curious, I slid myself across the log to talk to him. "Hey there, " I greeted him. He turned as I caught his attention and gave me a small smile.
"Hi," he replied.
"How are you?"
"I'm alright," he sighed quietly. He brought his hand to rub the back of his neck nervously and let it hang there as he let out another heavy breath. I watched him sympathetically, not to long ago I would've been exactly where he was. I turned my eyes back to the campfire as I continued to try and start conversation.
"Are you new here?" I asked warily, "I couldn't help but notice." He chuckled dryly at my comment.
"Is it that obvious?" Realizing I had upset him, I quickly corrected myself.
"Sorry, that's not what I meant!" He looked at me questioningly as I continued to let my gaze shift from him to the fire and back again. I took a deep breath before trying again to explain. "Well, it's just that everyone else has been coming to camp here for a few years so I assumed you were new since I didn't recognize you."
"I see," he said blankly. His face was guarded, making it hard to tell if he was still upset or not. Not wanting to upset him further I stayed silent and took the time to just enjoy his company. We were quiet for another few seconds and I could sense the tension around us dissipate slightly.
"My mom..." he began to speak, trailing off as he worked up the nerve. "My mom wanted to send me here so I might be able to meet people and make friends before school started." He added something else under his breath but I couldn't make it out. "I wish I didn't come here. I'm no good with this." Not knowing how to respond I just nodded along with what he was saying.
"I'm sorry to hear that," I finally said, trying to keep the conversation going. "If you want," I began carefully, "I could try to help you adjust, if you aren't uncomfortable with that." His face visibly relaxed upon hearing that and a ghost of a smile grace his face momentarily.
"Sure," he hesitantly agreed.
"By the way, what's your name?"
"Taylor," he mumbled. "What's yours?"
"I'm Ryan."
And so we met. My story begins here, in the comforting presence of my new friend. As I still recall this moment, I wonder if I would have made that offer to him if I knew what would've transpired between us in the years to come.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
Hey there usermalfunction! Tuck swinging by with a quick review for you today, brought to you by Team Slytherin.
Overall, the way you carefully broke the fourth wall towards the end and the beginning was well done and gave a sense that there is something important outside of this story. It was, in my opinion, the most engaging and interesting part of the story. I also enjoyed the vivid description you used in the beginning that set the scene for the rest of the story.
However, I did feel that your story lacked some of the characterization necessary. There aren't a lot of strong plot elements to carry the reader through the story, so it's necessary to develop a strong character that the reader can attach to. I didn't get that in this. I don't know much about who Ryan is, which makes it difficult to find motivation to continue to read the story. There are millions of stories out there -- why should a reader choose yours? The answer lies in the characterization, which is especially important in the first chapter. Introducing some more character traits and personality aspects would make your story stand out and be more compelling.
I also found the pacing to be a little on the slow side, which is fitting for the atmosphere, but can be risky for the first chapter. Within the first chapter, it's crucial to grab the reader's attention and never let go. That can be difficult when you're opening with a conversation, but it is not impossible. However, it's important to reevaluate the conversation and make sure that you're including gripping, unique, interesting details. This isn't to say that you haven't done that, just a reminder to be especially aware of that as you edit and move forward.
I hope this review was helpful for you today, and that you didn't find it overly harsh! My goal wasn't to destroy you or discourage you from writing, but rather to provide you with some pointers to help you grow and become even better. If you have any questions for me, please let me know and I'd be happy to answer them to the best of my ability!
Best,
Tuck
Thank you for this review. It gave me a lot to think about. On the subject of characterization, could you give me some advice on how to do that better? I'm not exactly sure what you meant for me to improve. As for the pacing of the chapter, I meant for the first chapters to be a bit slower. I want the them to set the tone of the story before I ramp up the pacing a bit. If it's still slow a few chapters in, tell me and I can work to fix it.
Sure! I just meant that I as a reader didn't feel I had a good insight of Ryan and Taylor's personalities. To fix it, you can include small details about who they are. For example, you could have Ryan move slowly and deliberately, while Taylor moves quickly and hastily. You could emphasize how they relate to the other people there %u2014 do they easily make friends, or are they standoffish and quiet? Are they apprehensive, excited, nervous, etc.? Details like these will help the reader to get a better understanding of their personalities.
As a side note, I noticed you left a blank comment on this work and went ahead and deleted it just to keep the comment/review section clutter-free.
Thanks for the advice and thanks for deleting that comment. It was a slip of hand and I didn't know how to take it down.
Hi there! I really enjoyed this story. The imagery was good, and you really captured the mood of the scene. This prologue is really good, and I'm excited to see where the story goes. however, I have a couple notes.
- I have zero idea what either of these characters look like other than their gender, which is jarring, considering that everything else is so well described. Even little details about their faves, hair, body, etc. would really help bring the imagery full circle with the characters.
- The language gets a little repetitive, especially in the beginning with all the
'us' and all the sentences starting with "the". I know these don't seem significant, but there are ways around using them extremely frequently.
That's about all! I hope this review was helpful!
Thanks for the review. I tried to edit the story a little bit and include more descriptions of the characters. As for the repetitive language, I'll be sure to watch myself for it in future chapters. Thanks for your help.
Hello, and happy Review Day!
I really like Ryan already. They seem very social, and exciting! I can't wait to see how they bounce of Taylor!
The opening paragraph of this prologue is also very interesting... I'm honestly not sure how it fits with the story so far, but it is only the prologue, so we'll have to see.
The one thing I might ask/suggest is about the characters appearances. It varies for everyone, and I personally tend not to need to much detail on what characters look like, however, non at all makes it a little hard for me to feel engaged in the story. (Also, I'm still not a hundred percent sure if Ryan is a girl or a boy or neither... So that might be something to think about)
If you're wondering ways to sneak a description in without disrupting the flow, I find it helpful to sneak little hints a little at the time, or compare two characters. Inn this case, it might be interesting to compare the twos appearances. Perhaps their as different as night and day, and this can be a subtle hint about their personality as well.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this, and look forward to Chapter one, when you post it! Keep on writing!
Thank you for the review. I'm very glad you like my characters! I am grateful for the tips and tried my best to use the advice while editing my work. Though it may have turned out a little bit awkward I hope that it was still enough to better gauge what the characters looked like.
I like this romantic vibe you're giving. Or at least friendly vibe you're exuding between Taylor and Ryan. I like that it started out at camp. Not a lot of meet-cutes occur at a camp, so props for creativity. I think for a prologue, it should've had only one scene. This also felt a little short because of the scene. Maybe try expanding on it or something. But other than that, this is good.
- Shay
Thank you for the review. I'm glad you enjoyed the work. I understand what you're saying about it being a bit short. I'll try to make my future chapters longer and not jump from scene to scene as much.