As we walked on the beach
Hand in hand,
Our eyes would reach,
Toes wiggled in sand.
Our pink lips would kiss,
Soft to the touch.
It makes me miss
You so very much.
That's when I fell,
When I fell for you.
And you could tell,
That you loved me too.
But as love goes,
It falls apart.
And no one knows,
I loved you from the start.
Now every day,
I see you in the halls.
And all of your friends say,
"Watch as she falls."
You can trip me when you want,
I know you want to be cool.
But behind that taunt,
I'm all you think about during school.
As I doodle in my notebook,
The pencil wears away.
Its my heart you took,
And have to this day.
All of my feelings,
They're hidden inside.
Just like apple peelings,
They're pushed to the side.
At home I sit,
Or lay on my bed.
I feel like shit,
I want myself dead.
I might drive a blade,
I have rights to be insane.
I have my path made,
It's right down Misery Lane.
^well thats as much as i have
when i get more
or i think of more
ill edit it
so ill need some help
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Heyy
Wow that was really good
adn like it made me really think adn all
it is really really good
wow
u should like enter it into a contest
haha
wonderful poem...really worth reading..lovely!!
I love all the words used..
This paragraph is real cool.
I like the way you though from the "emo" point of view if you're not. Keep writing..just check ur gramatical mistakes and you are good to go!
In case you edit it again..please PM me...loads of luv and all the best!
um...i think that if you don't like someone's comment then pm them, and if you don't want to do that then please don't use foul language. it makes the readers think less of the person who wrote a great poem. on that subject, here are my thoughts on this poem:
i don't think that this should be structured like this. it kinda made the flow stop. maybe you should take out the comma from the first verse, take out the period on the second verse, and put the comma on the second verse insteaad. if tht didn't make sense (it didn't to me) then here is an example: "As we walk on the beachhand in hand,"
that just makes it easier to read.
this should be "It makes me miss you
so very much."
should be a capitol I.
I think that this poem would be great even if you didn't add more on. But since you do I wish you the best of luck and this is really good
I hope this helps
Happy writing
suzanne, that was one rude coment
i think it should be called Together, but that's just me, great poem keep working on it
-Max
"As we walked on the beach,
Hand in hand.
Our eyes would reach,
Toes wiggled in sand."
I liked this part ^-^ It was so cute!
Anyways, I was quite disppointed in a way. I couldn't really connect to the feeling I mean I got want it meant. For me the emotions weren't there that much. Maybe a few times with in each stanza maybe I would've liked it more. I just wanted to say that maybe you need to describe things throughly more in order to make the reader feel engaged. Overall you done a good job and a good writer you are! Just need a little more to be even better than before XD
Well, i find this very cute ^__^, and 'lesboic?' XD.
And yeah.. It was really cute, but, try writing with no rhymes
I'm not saying what you did was bad, but, i think the idea would have expanded
And you might have had more words to go with it, 'cause rhyming really holds people back
(Talking from experince here), But overall, I found it cute, and it told me how you felt.
And it was overall Cute & Good.
~
The rhyme scheme is restraining and annoying. Rhyme schemes are so difficult to do well because they almost always sounds childish and forced. It tends to make people write around the rhymes, instead of write what will make a good poem.
For a good example of a well used rhyme scheme: Departmental by Robert Frost.
I also felt nothing in this poem. You write it to whoever this other person is. I don't know anything about you or this other person. You say that you kiss, and that you love them, and it's all super great - but why should I care? I don't mean or intend for that to be rude, it's simple honesty. A good poem will make the reader feel and will share the authors emotions with the reader. This poem tells me nothing of how you feel. Instead of using plain, cliché phrases try to find deeper, stronger words to describe how you feel. Don't let the rhyme scheme dictate what you write - perhaps write without it first, and then if it is necessary, rewrite it with a rhyme.
More than anything, don't just tell your reader about things. Make your reader feel. You used toes wriggling in the sand, which is a good start, but what does the sand feel like against your toes? More importantly, why are you telling me about sand? Because a poem is so short, and there are so few words and lines, each one must be important and add to the whole poem. If it doesn't, it shouldn't used. Writing about the sand on the beach would be great imagery, but it wouldn't tell me anything about why you love this person, and how this love makes you feel.
My biggest suggestion would be that you read more poetry. I can't say you don't read poetry, but if you do already, keep reading and read more. Reading poetry is the best way to learn how to write it, and apart from reviews, that was how I learned how to write poetry.
If you have any questions about something I said, feel free to PM me.
thx guys
at first this was a lesbionic poem just made for fun
instead of goes and knows in the last stanza, i had is and liz and a couple of dif. words
but i changed it!
i wonder how people would react if they thought that i had posted a lesbionic poem
"Wiggling Toes" for a title suggestion.
Well this is a very good start. It was sweet, uplifting, simple, rhymed ok, and really a very good start to an already pretty good poem. Not much to critique on my part. You could add a little more detail in the middle part to give more imagery, but nice poem.
I love the image I get while reading this poem! It's so simple and sweet, and changes quite quickly in the last stanza.
First of all, the tenses confused me in this poem. You're quite obviously talking about something that happened in the past.. yet you use 'would' many times.
I like it a lot though =]