Bird Song

Hi! I’m Forever, and I’ll be reviewing your poem this afternoon.

You’ve caught me,
red-h aned,
Committing my crime. (I like this. I think it is a very good hook. The minute I began reading it, I was intrigued. Good job.)

You scream with pleasure, (This line seems slightly awkward. I’d suggest using something that takes up less “space”. Perhaps “You scream pleasurably” or “Pleasurably, you scream” or something like that.)
“Oh, what a treat it is
To catch the perfect.” (In my opinion, this line needs to be drawn out, or explained in greater depth. Have the character go on and describe the “perfect” one. Describe what they do that is “perfect” and even add how the character feels about catching the “perfect” one in their act of crime.)

So run along now,
Little Bird. (When most people think of birds, they think of flying or soaring in the sky…that sort of thing. Maybe you could change “run” into something different that pertains to a bird a bit more. Also, the phrase “run along now” is used a lot in literature. I’d suggest using a more unique line, one that reveals your uniqueness as a writer.)
Sing your song (I really like this line. Good job!)
With juicy details of me. (This last line seems a bit awkward. “With juicy details of me” could be changed into “with the gory details of my existence” or “with the devious deed of my inhabitance” or something like that, haha.)

Cry out your story
I’m sure plenty will listen. (This is an interesting stanza. I’m glad you put it in. It really shows us something, but what? I think you should add a few more lines after it describing the feeling of the people who are willing to listen to what the character has to say.)

The Media will rage with (In this case, I don’t think you should actually use the word “media”. I noticed how this poem has a lot to do with celebrities and how if they do one little thing wrong, the whole world magnifies it into some appalling, horrific crime. I think it is a great idea to do this. However, instead of using the word “media”, you should preferably use another word that symbolizes the media.)
Newspapers full of my name, (Again, try not to use actual words from the idea behind your poem. Use another description instead of “newspapers”.)
Of my conviction,
And of yours. (This is good. I like this. In my opinion, I think you can take out the “and” and the beginning of the last line.)

Magazine tabloids gossip (Once again, please change “magazine” and “tabloids” into another set of words.)
With untruthful gob. ("untruthful” can be replaced with another word such as “deceiving”, “unreliable”. You may also add something about the “lies” of the media as well. Also, try using a different word instead of “gob”.)



You’ve caught me, (This is good that you have used a circular structure, meaning you begin in one place and end it in the same place as before, to gather everything that you have laid out and tie it all back together. It brings the reader to understand the poem full circle, and what the significance the beginning and end of the poem have.)
Red-wristed,
Red-hipped, (I would suggest not to include this line: “red-hipped” because I think it would be better if you simply repeated the same stanza that you have in the beginning without adding any extra words. It adds to the effect.)
Committing my crime. (Once again, good job for completing the poem full circle. However, I think it would be better if you took this stanza and put it as the last and final stanza. It would allow us to sink into the idea behind this poem and savor it’s true meaning.)

So run along now, (Like I explained earlier, I would recommend switching the word “run” with an alternative. In addition, this line doesn’t have to be separate from the stanza below it. Try including it in the next verse.)

Little Bird.
Sing your song
With juicy details of me (Remember to change this line if possible.)
And my guilt.

It’s not like you haven’t done it before. (Good line)

Overall, all nice work. I think your good point is coming up with a clever, unique idea behind the poem. Your idea was very good. It was different, it was distinctive. I like that a lot. I think you could work on your word usage a bit more, perhaps change up some of the words for different, more descriptive ones. Also, I think you could work on the symbols you use in the poem. I’d recommend coming up with more dimensional representations of the media and tabloids.

Keep up the good work! PM me if you have any questions.

*Forever*

I think the poem starts well, and the short, sharp structure works for the tone of the poem, and your use of raw, colloquial language is apt for your subject matter (tabloids). Also, more specifically I love the use of "scream", it's so hideous, alien and almost sexual. Perfectly describes the perversity of the press.

However as it continues the poem loses some of its mystery an becomes too overt in its meaning, rather than alluding to something, lines like "magazine tabloids gossip with untruthful gob" become a bit obvious, leaving little for the reader to imagine or interpret.

So therefore I would suggest have a look through and try to hold back at times. They say a good poet is someone who understands the emotions they are trying to express but does not write when s/he is in the grip of those particular emotions. If that makes sense. X

Hey!

I like this. You have a really good idea behind it, but it still could use a little bit of work.

You scream with pleasure,

“Oh, what a treat it is

To catch the perfect.”

So run along now,

Little Bird.

Sing your song

With juicy details of me.

Hi, Sara! June here!

I'm not going to pick line by line at this, Sara, but I'll point out a few things I liked and did not like.

To start, I liked how raw this was. I think it's a good sketch to build on, cut from, add to, and polish. To be honest, it seems to be slightly in a roughened shape, dear, but it seems like with a bit of work, this can be excellent.

I didn't particularly enjoy how it flatly told the story. The narrator in this is just telling us about the situation, not telling us anything that happened inside of it, dear. I think that in order to appreciate a poem like this, we need a little bit more to base our interpretation on.

I'm not exactly fond of the image of a bird song representing paparazzi-like figures. I understand that a bird song is heard by most, but I feel that it's a bit restrictive.

You have a strong base here, dear. You have the ability in this poem to create a powerful message at the end, but! When we get to the end if this, it seemingly falls flat-- something I wasn't quite expecting. It slightly disappointed me, because I felt that this character would stand to all this criticism and such and give a more effective closing, perhaps a declaration of imperfection or whatever whatever. But, instead, the poem kind of just... dissipated, and that took away some of my ability to appreciate this.

With that said, it's not a horrible poem, dearie. I think that if you take a moment and revise this, you can have a very, very good poem.

Hope I wasn't too harsh! Any questions? Comments? PM me.

June

I like this because it shows reality in another format

it;s an interesting interpretation a very interesting one

I really wouldn't expect that,

when you hear the words bird song it makes you think of a cutsy little bird all fluffy singing in the morning

you wouldn't think that it would be about the media and peoples lives

very intersting

thanks for sharing

You scream with pleasure,
“Oh, what a treat it is
To catch the perfect.”

The Media will rage with
Newspapers full of my name,

So run along now,
Little Bird.
Sing your song
With juicy details of me
And my guilt.

It’s not like you haven’t done it before.