safety.
is what i feel when i am layed down beside him.
home.
is the place where our hands interlock and the laughter washes away any fear.
i say “i wish these moments could last forever”
he says “i’m just going to play one game”
i’d plead for attention but my body is strapped down by the weight of loneliness.
loneliness.
where i realize that the person i love would rather have his hands on a keyboard than on me.
i say to myself, “it’s just one game. you’ll be okay”
i dive into books, or the latest celebrity drama trying to drown out how loud the keyboard echos and how loud my heart breaks.
i no longer can find myself to be distracted.
i turn and say “how much longer?”
he says “not much longer”
that would be okay if that were true.
i stare at the wall until i lose all feeling in my body.
the wall and i become good friends at times like these.
i feel as the tears roll down my face, dropping on the same pillow he promised me forever on.
“how much longer?” i ask in desperation.
“just one more game…”
just one more game.
one more game.
as i feel my lungs collapse and my eyes are so consumed in frustration that i lose vision.
he doesn’t notice though.
the rustling of the blankets, the frequent movements, the loud cries.
it all goes unnoticed.
instead he notices how many imaginary items he has in a game, how many imaginary wins he has, and how many imaginary accomplishments he has.
the thing that stays consistent? they’re all imaginary.
i’m real though.
the person who gave him his first child.
the person who gave him all the love she had.
the person who would do anything for him.
so when he says “just one more game” i no longer hold faith to that.
instead i stare aimlessly at the wall.
telling myself that i’m only an afterthought to his desire for video-graphic consumption.
this is the reality for many as men tend to gravitate towards a false reality and lose sight of what’s real.
i was real. i was waiting.
i wait no more.
i no longer will be an afterthought.
safety.
when i remind myself that i will put me first.
home.
the feeling of knowing that i don’t have to beg to be loved anymore because i love me. i will pour myself love until i no longer am capable of pouring.
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Canary word: Present
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
hey, I am here for the review.
first, I like the topic at first, I thought it was going to be a teen lament over how she doesn't get attention but further reading it I realized the depth of the topic.
"the wall and i become good friends at times like these. " = I love this line
the first two lines about safety and home are beautiful.
I like the use poetic device like (strapped down by the weight of loneliness.),
but I would suggest you use more poetic device such as ambiguity, euphemism, metaphor etc.
cause at times the poem feels like a paragraph like in these lines-
(Telling myself that I’m only an afterthought to his desire for video-graphic consumption.
this is the reality for many as men tend to gravitate towards a false reality and lose sight of what’s real.)
use indirect methods to say the same thing, it would give the poem more feeling of a poem,
I assume you are writing from a first-hand experience, because I can feel your emotion and frustration even when I have no experience like this.
I would suggest when writing read aloud the lines so you can feel how the reader is going to read , how some lines may be too long or short or hard, where the reader might get bored where you can create a pattern to hook the reader etc.
I love that you have done a circular ending, it felt good to get a kind of happy ending.
Hi unseasonedwriter!
This is a really intriguing topic to write about!
So I don't really play video games that often, but I know a lot of people that do. I've never taken a moment to think about how they could affect people! I know there's a lot of debate about whether or not video games cause violence, but this is different. In pop culture, I see aspects of this! I don't think I would say that's very common though. It's refreshing to see poetry talk about something that's not as widely known!
The desperation of the narrator is so powerful to me. The video games are a metaphor for something, but it's hard to say what. The complicated relationship dynamic in the middle of the poem is done so wonderfully! I wouldn't say that I feel a lot of the emotions that are meant to come across in poetry often, but this made me think. There isn't much imagery, but I don't think this poem needs any. It's just raw!
I love how the narrator ends up finding herself in the end as well! It's not a happy ending, but it's much better than it could've been. The self-realization in this poem is probably my favorite part, and feelings like that are really hard to capture! It's almost a cliffhanger way to end though because I'm not sure exactly what happened. I want to assume she moved on from the other person, but I can't say for sure.
I don't have anything to critique actually! I agree with the other reviewer when it comes to line lengths, but I also think that it makes the poem feel scattered on purpose! The narrator has a lot on her plate, so it makes sense to me.
This was a beautifully written poem!
— Solstice
thank you so much for the feedback!! your words mean a lot. i%u2019ve been scared to show others my writing especially something as vulnerable as this piece so your kinda mean so much!
just realized i butchered my reply to you %uD83D%uDE02i meant i%u2019ve been scared to show other my writing, especially something as vulnerable as this piece, so your kind words mean a lot!
Heyo! PapaSupremacy here for a review!
I can't wait to read more poems from you in the future!
Initial Thoughts:
This is a great poem about a real issue!! Its easy to see that this is written from a place very close to home. Its very important to you, which automatically makes it a better poem. I like to say that poems are greater when they are out of control, when they are fueled by emotion instead of logic. Because this poem is written about something close to you, it becomes already better in the massive amount of poems out there.
Glows [the good things I saw]
I loved the beginning and ending of the poem! They mirrored each other, which gives it a lot of good power. It ties the poem together in a good poetry sandwich. It unites the meaning of the poem well. Additionally, the new definitions between "safety" and "home" illustrated the purpose the poem.
The middle told a good story. You combined both symbolism of yourself and symbolism of the video games.
One example is this line you wrote:
"i dive into books, or the latest celebrity drama trying to drown out how loud the keyboard echos and how loud my heart breaks."
This line I loved! You did this throughout the poem which is super nice
You had the title of the poem occur all across the poem. It tied the poem together which is an awesome move. The centrality is a good thing to have in a poem, so that they are not lost.
Grows [things to improve]
I didn't really have much to say to improve! I really liked this poem! The only thing I can really see is that some of the lines had a very differing meter, when it wasn't necessary. Don't get me wrong, sometimes its powerful! Other times, however, like when its done in excess, it makes the poem bounce around and potentially lose sight of its purpose. The human brain loves patterns, so its important to usually include some sort of pattern or uniformity in poems.
Besides that, this was awesome! I loved reading this
Thats all for now! PapaSupremacy, out 😁