When the little kids get spaceships (Edited)

Hello.

I haven't actually read a science fiction poem, so this was very interesting. However, it was also mildly confusing because it took me a second read to realize this was depicting an actual future scene instead of a more whimsical, metaphor driven piece.

My biggest thing was, this feels like images strung together for no real purpose other than description. My biggest belief is that poems should have a purpose, which means you should be asking yourself why you're putting these images in.

The beginning and end seem to hint at conflict that pulls from wild west imagery and the good old American Dream, which would be a good conflict if you actually expanded upon it. The story seems to start with the idea that kids who get spaceships need protection, then they're going to enjoy space, but first you have to clear it, and this jump when each established part isn't actually all that clear gets really hard to follow and in the end is what makes me feel like the poem's a little aimless.

To answer your question, the longest part is probably the "enjoying space" montage, which is really nothing more than a list of images. As I said before, give me a purpose to these images and they'll be fine, but right now they seem to be nothing more than pretty words.

Tell us a story. You have a wonderful concept with so much potential to give us emotions and a deep, new experience in space, where you aren't confined by human bounds, but you don't explore it as much as you could. As a result, I find myself looking for more tension, for more substance.

You have lovely images. Give us a reason for showing them.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Well, this was a good read, first off. Nevertheless, I will start with something that needs fixing. In novel or chapter-length pieces, a reader might forgive one or two typos, but not in poetry. Poetry is too short for you to have such mistakes lying about. There may be others, but I remember these: "It's a offer" should probably be "It's an offer". "So you can to" should probably be "so you can too."

Now that aside, I really love this poem (these poems?) There is a nice flow of constant movement and a playful vibe going on, but I think you should create a nice, bouncy rhythm to add to that feeling. I like that you are trying something that is sort of new and strange, but I don't quite see why there are two parts to the poem. You can join the two poems and cut out the overlaps, as both parts are basically saying the same thing. It's not a case where one is a response to another or something like that.

The message in this poem is really nice - I might spend another review here going into interpretation (which would be more subjective and personal). Good poetry. Keep writing.

Hi
So when you said this was going to be a poem in two parts, I thought you meant you were going to post part 1 now and part 2 at a later point.
personally, I would have preferred to see you do that, and I think you should.
The two parts you have here could easily be melded into one and there is definitely scope for you to go on and write more and make a more substantial part 2 if that makes sense?

I didn't like the fact the second part was longer than the first one, it looked too irregular. Also, I think there needs to be some indication of stanzas, they need to be split up, not just one big run-on.
I know this all sounds really harsh. Saying something positive about the work: the content is great! XD
It's just what it has the potential to do now and the editing nitpicks. You can make a great work a really great work. That is, if you think my opinion is helpful. XD

Keep writing!