Published September 17, 2011
I feel like I am painting
With these two hands, I am staining
The canvas with different colors
Of my emotions now raging
Everything is slowly turning
Everything is slowly changing
With these two eyes, I am witnessing
This world that is crumbling
And cracking upon the surface
Watch it all burn into ashes
As we day-dreamers sit back
And make this chaos a habit
The end is now drawing closer
While people grow more estatic
To the unnecessary necesities
That cause more damage
To this life, and as we know it
We never fail to go blow it
Our chances to make it better
With our excuses full of shit
Why is this so confusing
And growing much less amusing?
With each day that passes by
There's not one person not accussing
Another for something stupid
Not living it to the fullest
Since there is not much time left
Why waste it on stuff that's worthless?
We never question our footsteps
We never question our motive
We just go walking aimlessly
And no one seems to notice
Please, just look around
At the destruction that is made
Look down upon our hands
They're no long clean, I'm afraid.
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139,743 Literary Works • 672,677 Reviews
Hi there!
It's pretty awesome how your words flow together. This has a really great rhythm to it and the rhyming is great. I also like how you repeated some parts of this. The repeating really adds to the rhythm.
I really like this. I was rapping it in my mind while I was reading it!
I really don't have anything to critique about this, so I basically wrote this to tell you how awesome this is. So, yeah. Keep writing!
"I feel like I am painting
With these two hands, I am staining
The canvas with different colors
Of my emotions now raging"
Brilliant starting.
It's a fascinating read. The way you put your point across, you do make the other person to think about it.
"And cracking upon the surface
Watch it all burn into ashes
As we day-dreamers sit back
And make this chaos a habit"
Now this right here was brilliant. Loved it.
I love the fact that you didn't stick to the rather generic A-A-A-A rhyme scheme.
I don't have much advice to give to you , nor can I critique since I am not flawless myself, but I'd say two thing
1. Get some multies in( I might have missed a few that were there). It's hard at first but the more the multies the more fluid your flow is. That and multies also point towards the lyrical proficiency of the artist.
2. The bars length seems inadequate to be honest but then again I don't know what kind of flow you're opting for, so what I am saying may be, quite frankly, pointless.
All in all this is pretty good. Dope if I may say so.