He sits on my bed and sleeps all day.
He's not much fun and doesn't really
play.Yes he is really, really fat. Especially
for him. A cat. He weighs more than my
friend's dog. You may think he is a long-haired
hog. He is really, very cool. Unlike dogs he
doesn't drool. No he just watches what I do.
This is no lie it's the truth. He's my baby who's
nine years old. So old, yet so bold. Don't try to
mess with him. He doesn't care, he will sin. He
can be nice but also have horns. Ask my clothes
that are torn.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Welcome to YWS! Before I go on to look at your poem, I would like to ask you to take a quick look at the Rules and Regulations we have in the Welcome Desk. It is asked that we review at least two pieces for everything we post. Keeps everything running smoothly,no?
Ok! On to your poem.
I'm going to shot from the hip. It was pretty basic. Perhaps you're new to poetry? That's good- that you've made a start, this means that there's loads of room for development. And there's tons of room in this poem about your cat to do that. And then again, maybe you're not new to poetry.
I'll give you a few pointers on how I would have expanded on the poetry done here.
1. Structure. Sounds elementary, but structure really is very important in poetry. It's what makes a reader sigh and exit out of a piece or continue to read until the end. In this piece it was a little jumbled. I think it might have been better (just a suggestion here feel free to ignore) if it was broken up into stanzas and ordered more.
For example, your first four lines could be like this:
It's easier on the reader's eyes.
2. Punctuation. There's way too many full stops in this piece, in my opinion. Full stops can become like brick walls if you have too many of them. Use sparingly and they'll be effective. Believe me. It almost sounds like a Dr. Zeus book or a limerick because of them.
For example
3. Poetic Devices. This piece, for a poem, was in dire need of some poetic magic. By poetic devices I mean things like alliteration, imagery (which can help you when you hear the phrase, show, don't tell) dramatic irony, assonance, personification. I could go on.
Here's a link to a whole glossary of them which I often use:
http://www.kyrene.org/schools/brisas/Su ... oetry2.htm
4. General points.
Although this poem was quite basic in his delivery, you stuck to your subject well and followed it the whole way through. Writing poetry isn't easy, but it improves with studying other work and practising your own. Finding your own style. I would suggest reading, reading, reading as much poetry as you can get your hands on. If it's animals you enjoy writing about- find an author who bases much of his or her work around them. I believe Robert Frost focuses on nature- maybe you also like that? Read lots of different styles of poetry to get a broad range. And don't give up! There's a lot of promise in this.
I hope this helped and once again, welcome to YWS. We all hope you stick around for a long time to come. Please PM me if you have any problems or want to chat.
Eimear.