Raids

I like the unique plot, and the fact that the characters were well described. You could easily picture the characters in your mind. There are a few sentences that could use a few commas, just to break up the sentence. Also, there are a few paragraphs that are a little bulky.

'I, as the leader, was the first to go under to see what treasures the ship carried. There were crates lining the walls and stacked to the ceiling! I found a spot where the crates weren’t stacked very high. I reached to pull it out but as I did so I heard very quiet voices from behind it. I drew my sword and shouted as loud as I could “Who is behind those crates, show yourselves I am armed and I’m not afraid to fight!” In reality I am terrified to fight. I don’t want to have to hurt anyone. The crates slowly slid to one side and two young children came out. The girl appeared to barely be able to walk and looked like she was in a lot of pain, her feet were bound, such a painful tradition. I’m glad I don’t have to have my feet bound. The girl, she only appeared to be about seven or eight, said so quietly I could barely hear her “please don’t harm me or my brother we did nothing wrong.” I wanted to just tell them to run but I was instructed to kill or take anyone I see hostage. But when I looked at them and saw the fear I had caused I knew that I should tell them to go hide. Sha Hui came down and saw me letting the children go. He came up behind me, grabbed me and told me to go back to the ship and he would deal with me later. I am terrified that he will follow through on this threat, I’ve seen him do it before. Later that night when Sha Hui came back he only gave a beating that left my hemp tunic soaked in blood, and I didn’t get any of the treasures, which I just found out was porcelain. Porcelain is so common many other countries love it so it gets shipped a lot and then stolen. I also see a lot of tea and spices. those are the most popular for foreigners. I don’t understand why spices are all that amazing or tea. What is porcelain even for?'

In this paragraph, I think that you could have started a new paragraph when the little girl speaks. Other than that, this story has a cool, unique story line. Can't wait to see more!

Hello! I'm here to edit your piece, I'll be using these () within your story so you can see where I would make my edits I hope this helps!

“If you mess this up I’ll leave you in the shark infested water (How about 'in these shark infested waters, I think it sounds more natural : ) to either (either is unnecessary here ) drown or be torn apart by the sharks,” When (I would also omit 'When' ) Sha Hui whispered.

His face was so close to my ear I could feel his rancid breath on my face. All we would ever eat is what we could catch (Why not re-word it this way - All we ever ate was what we could catch - )on the ship (omit 'on the ship' it's not necessarily true since the fish is in the sea : ) so everyone had foul breath (add a comma here ) but Sha Hui’s (maybe add the word 'breath' here to avoid confusion ) smells like there is a dead fish in his mouth that has been in there for a month.
(Where is the action of him actually jumping? Something like 'After smelling that, he had all the motivation he needed to get away from Sha Hui, and jumped' something like that, I feel like there is a transition missing here)
“Good job Zhi Ning you made it onto the other boat,” said Nie Han. The workers on the ship had gone to get weapons and warn the others. I wish my parents were here to see this huge day for me. If only they hadn't gotten killed in a raid. (just like this one? Nice!)

I, as the leader, was the first to go under to see what treasures the ship carried. There were crates lining the walls and stacked to the ceiling! I found a spot where the crates weren’t stacked very high. I reached to pull it (it? There are multiple crates so you should specify 'one' rather than 'it' which can be taken to mean the stack based off of the information) out but as I did so I heard very quiet voices from behind it. (Try - As I did I heard low/quiet voices behind it) I drew my sword and shouted as loud as I could “Who is behind those crates, show yourselves (comma) I am armed and I’m (omit I'm, it actually gives the impression of bravado "faking it" ) not afraid to fight!” In reality I am terrified to fight. I don’t want to have to (omit 'have to' it will sound better : ) hurt anyone. (I would break the paragraph here, it's getting very long) The crates slowly slid to one side and two young children came out. The girl appeared to barely be able to walk and looked like she was in a lot of pain, her feet were bound, such a painful tradition. I’m glad I don’t have to have my feet bound. (How about instead of that sentence, something like this "I'm lucky mine never were") The girl, she only appeared to be about seven or eight, said so quietly I could barely hear her “please don’t harm me or my brother (Of that age you would typically hear 'hurt' rather than harm, unless she is an intelligent, book-reading seven year-old, which she could be...) we did nothing wrong.” I wanted to just (omit just, the angst is already emphasized : ) tell them to run but I was instructed to kill or take anyone I see hostage. But when I looked at them and saw the fear I had caused I knew that I should tell them to go hide. (I would break here as well ) Sha Hui came down (you add 'then' here if you like) and saw me letting the children go. He came (how about some urgency? He RAN up, rather then came, and grabbed me (more detail here, how did he grab you?) with one hand, the fingers digging in fiercely. (Now you should use some dialogue which will also mean you will need to break the paragraph) He (detail whispered threateningly, "I'll deal with you later, Get back to the ship!") ' up behind me, grabbed me and told me to go back to the ship and he would deal with me later. I am terrified that (instead of 'that' how about - because I know- )he will follow through on this threat, I’ve seen him do it before. (why not give the reader some anticipation? stretch this moment out longer and deny them the gratification of seeing what happens, like so - I paced the cabin back and forth for hours, not knowing if I should be prepared to lose a limb, or worse, my life... Then suddenly he barged in and hit me repeatedly with his fists. I tried to back away, but then he brought out his knife, and before I could do anything but silently scream inside he brought it down, bashing my ribs with the blunt end. The beating continued until my hemp tunic was soaked with blood and the promise of a black eye tomorrow was showing. - ) Later that night when Sha Hui came back he only gave a beating that left my hemp tunic soaked in blood, and I didn’t get any of the treasures, which I just found out was porcelain. (How about replacing this sentence with 'Needless to say, I didn't get any of the treasure, which I now know had been porcelain.) Porcelain is so (remove 'so' )common (add and) many other countries love it so it gets shipped a lot and then stolen. (or broken ; ) I also see a lot of tea and spices. those are the most popular for foreigners. I don’t understand why spices are all that amazing or tea. What is porcelain even for?

The children's terrified expressions keep me up at night, just thinking, reconsidering if robbing ships is wrong if it hurts people. If I were to kill their father they would have to grow up with only a mother which would be very hard on children. (how about instead of 'on children' use 'for them' ) I’ve heard a lot about this guy named Buddha, I’ve been told stories about how he meditated and found enlightenment. I bet I could try that to see if it could help me solve my problems. I sat there for hours trying my hardest to clear my head and meditate (comma) but I just couldn’t! The children's faces kept popping into my head. I give up! Meditating is too hard, maybe I’ll try again tomorrow.
(missing another transition : )
“Go prepare for a raid, a ship is coming closer!” Sha Hui yelled so loud everyone who was still asleep woke up from the sound.

“Because of what you did on the last raid (try 'because of your folly on the last raid" ) we lost those kids and the ransom money we could have gotten for them, we are leaving you behind you will (replace 'you will' with 'to' ) wash the whole boat while we’re gone,” Sha Hui snarled at me.

I cleaned as quickly as I could just so I could have time to meditate after. Meditating really helped me clear my head, (where did he meditate?) I’ve decided I have two decisions I could make: I could continue to rob people and give up on caring about other people, or I could leave the ship and start a new life on land. If I did that then I could join a Buddhist monastery. (maybe 'suddenly I had' ) Now I have to make the biggest decision of my life. (you could add 'to make' at the end of this sentence if you'd like : )

“Nie Han! You’re back from the raid. How did it go? Did you get any treasure?”, I asked.

“Ya, we got a compass, it’s this new device that will tell you what direction you're going in (comma ) but it’s still pretty confusing. We also got this really smooth fabric, it feels a lot nicer than our hemp tuni-”

“You don’t get any! You weren’t there, and that fabric is called silk!” interrupted Zhu Zijin. That was the first time I’ve heard Zhu Zijin talk. Sha Hui always has Zhu Zijin work in the kitchen.
(transition?)
Tonight I’m going to meditate more to see if I can come to a solution on what I should do. Should I stay and rob people or should I leave and try to become a better person and follow in the footsteps of Buddha?

I’ve finally decided what I want to do, I meditated for hours, I thought through my future in both situations. If I leave I will live much longer than if I stay because so many die in raids and we don’t possess the fine medicine that the people on the land have like variolation, we have no cure for smallpox. Even though life here is pretty bad I want to stay and continue to rob people, and raid ships. I was raised on this ship and the people here are my family. Robbing people is the only life I’ve ever know. I don’t want to just abandon my whole life and try to start over.
(you can add a little growth fulfillment here, by having him mention something about 'finishing what he started' and have him 'go look for the kids' like so - Now all I need to do is find those kids so they will know that I have gotten over my weakness, and then the will let me go on another raid to prove myself! I like the twist at the end you have XD great story!