Young Writers Society

Hey there! I like the idea you have started off with here. It's cool how you used the subject of chocolate as the vehicle for kicking off the story. It works well to transition into the real issue you bring around by the end: this narrator's parents don't care. The sentence where you wrote, "I wish I still could have chocolate" really brings the illustration to a climax and makes a significant point.

It seems to me like we have somewhat of an "info dump" here. What I mean is, it's a lot of telling and not showing. If this is fundamental information that absolutely has to be established before launching into the main part of the story, it might work. However, I'd suggest trying to work these details into the story so that the reader gets their questions answered little by little. The presentation used here leaves little room to wonder or imagine. While it important to be in the driver's seat with your own story, it also benefits the narrative a lot if you can weave the backstory in a little at a time.

Along that line, I think it would be helpful to see some more examples rather than just vague statements that the narrator had done "something" destructive every week. I think it would also be cool if you introduced us to the narrator's friends by letting us see them in the story. Show us the confident, sneaky, smirking klepto. Show us the shy, insecure, shrinking social outcast who sits alone all the time and avoids eye contact. You have a good start with this where you describe the "dark, musty corner of the library" where they sit and read their poetry. Take hold of this sort of visual showing, expand it, and work it into your story.

I think you've got a great story starting out here. You've set the theme that you want to convey by establishing that the narrator feels invisible.

Thanks for sharing this with us.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Chocolate always cheers me up. My parents used to buy huge boxs of it just to hide them until I fell down and hurt myself or dropped my favorite ice cream. But now they don't do that anymore, they just suspect that I'm old enough to live myself with out the delicious, sweet taste of chocolate whenever I get sad.

I wish I still could have chocolate.

My parents themselves (despite the fact that when I was younger they fed me delicious treats of many sort) had never been good parents. They had comforted me when I was sad, praised me when I did well, but cared nothing about me unless there was an emergency that was dire enough for them to get off their butts and help their one and only child.

I used to have "emergencies" just to get them to notice me, but I stopped after I had reached a point where I set the school on fire or something that destructive every week or so. I had accidentally gotten to the point where my friends around me were either kleptos, social outcasts, or the kind of people who seem to live in the dark, musty corner of the library reading a poetry book seperated from all of society.

Even during my "rebel" period, my parents only got off the couch if the principal somehow convinced them to come to her office just so she could scold me in front of them, which even I admit is pretty unreasonable. But my parents seemed to care them. They yelled at me after those meetings just for a little bit before returning to their careless state.

Once in a while, I sometimes wish they would beat me for being so bad, but they don't. I'm invisible to them.

Hello Umbreon, I like the start to your story, I would really like it if you continued. The first thing I noticed was run-on sentences. You have a few of them; what I do to identify run-ons is take one normal breath, and read the sentence. Now, if I run out of breath at the end or before the end of the sentence, it's a run-on, if not, then it's fine. Another way is to make good use of commas, or semi-colins, that always helps. Another thing is to avoid using the words 'but' or 'and' at the beginning of senteces. This gives you a chance to start sentences with interesting, uncommon words.
Hope this helps.

You had me at chocolate. Seriously though, you have a very good piece here. I would definitely read more. The only thing I see from an editing viewpoint is in the second sentence when you say "boxs." Obviously it should be "boxes." Just a simple typing mistake.
Other than that, great job. Keep writing!