Hey there Ultraviolet!!
Judge Spitfire here for the First Chapter Contest
On to reviewing!!
ultraviolet wrote:Because she has to, even in her own school. Even in other countries, he has to be obeyed.
He gestures to a chair in front of the desk. “Sit.”Another command.
The fact that you already mention he never asks anything, we can easily understand he would keep commanding things of people. So no need for that last part.
ultraviolet wrote:“I’m assuming you’ve hear#0040FF ">d about Father’s passing.” That’s a nice way of putting it - Father’s passing - no remorse in his tone. Like he didn’t die. He wasn’t killed. He just… left.
ultraviolet wrote:Taking a deep breath, he says, “Can I say I’m sorry?” #FF8000 ">You never have before. “I should have supported you. I should have stood up for you. But you know as well as I that if I had, I would have been banished too. Then we wouldn’t be here.”
This part should be in italic as it is her thoughts.
ultraviolet wrote:I narrow my eyes, and even he must find it hard to side-step my contempt. #FF8000 ">Gavin is the general’s son - to not join the military now…
“Adds.” He can‘t help looking triumphant. “I only have so long. My ship leaves tomorrow. I need an answer.” He says this because he knows he’s won. He wouldn’t force me into a decision unless he was sure I’d choose what he wanted.
Here we have a beginning of her wondering if she should go, but you don't continue it. She simply says that it would be bad for him to not join, then all of a sudden she's willing to go with her brother?? We need a little more that that. Have her think it over more, explain to us why it's so bad he wouldn't join now. Is he too old? Do you only have one chance to join? Will his father disown him if he doesn't complete this? These questions need to be answered (not exactly in this way but you get the idea) and explained.
Okay, nit-picking done.
Contrary to the others who've read the first version of the chapter, I'll be basing myself on this chapter alone. So here are my overall thoughts:
Description:
There isn't much description given in this chapter. You describe the cafeteria a little, so that's okay. But the most important place, the Headmistress' office, isn't really described. You say there's a desk, a chair, a windowsill and that it's dreary. That's it. We need more. How big is it? Is it a creepy or lovely room? Vaguely where is everything placed? How's the room decorated? Etc.
Also, you need to describe the main characters more. All that's said about the MC and her brother is their hair and eye color, and their shapes. Which isn't a bad thing, but as it's all compressed into one paragraph, it makes it feel as though there isn't much description throughout the rest of the chapter. Can you give us a little more? LIke the shape of their faces, the extra finger in his/her hand, the shape of their ears, what they are wearing, a bump on their knee, and so on. These are just examples, but you could mention these sorts of things here and there.
For example: "I don't believe you," she stated, straightening her robes.
This kind of small detail helps the reader imagine the characters. Because as of now, I have troubles imagining the two of them despite the descriptions you did give.
Character relationships
The brother-sister relationship is well done, I've got nothing more to say about that.
The assistant-others relationship, however, seems a little off. You say all the students didn't like her at first and now just ignore her, then the secretary completely ignores her, and the Headmistress his curt with her. Why? Why is everyone mean to her? Do they know she's a princess and that's why? If yes, then I don't understand why absolutely everyone dislikes her. Yes she was banished, but there ought to be someone in there who thinks it cool to meet a princess, no? I think it would only be if she was a mean person or did a terrible thing that people would dislike her. The way it is now, I find it hard to believe they unanimouly dislike her. You're going to have to check up on the details and clear them up.
Overall thoughts
This was a good chapter. I thought it started off a little quick, but once it got to the scene of her alone with her brother, I really enjoyed it. I liked how you brought us into the story without having to do flashbacks or having the MC tell her story in the middle of the chapter.
And that's about all I have to say. Good chapter and keep it going
![Wink ;)](./images/smilies/icon_wink.gif)
Spitfire
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