<==I think you meant isn't, but no, it's not horrible - it's actually great!uchihadrummerboy wrote:(umm this is my 1st post hope it is 2 horrible)
(Congrats on your first post by the way)Anyways, I, Graffitit Artist, intend to review the poem that you wrote. I've already read it, and it's great, but there are a few nitpicks that are basically all I can point out.
uchihadrummerboy wrote:If I paint myself red will you notice me,
will I be anything more than a shell
If I make a subtle noise will you hear it,
or shall you simply shut the window in your ivory tower (this has too many syllables in it - you were trying to give this poem a rhythm, right? Or was it just freeverse?)
If I stand next to u will you feel me,
or will i just be another empty mask in this game
If I wear cologne given to me by Aphrodite her self will you smell it, (Wow, way too many syllables... perhaps "If I wear a cologne from Aphrodite herself will you smell it" might be better... but I still think that that has too many syllables as well...)
or will it be no different than the smell of decay
All I ask you for is one word, a smile, a sign (How about, "One word, one smile, one sign" or "A word, a smile, a sign" instead.)
to show me that you wont simply sit back and watch me drown
as I swim this never ending ocean,
I dream of becoming something more than the ground you walk on. (Hmm, this doesn't flow very well. How about trying "I dream of becoming something more to you than just the ground you walk on"? It may have a lot of syllables, but it works better than what you had before...
Hope this helps, and make sure to keep writing!
Points: 2011
Reviews: 9
Donate