Hey guys This is a little something i was working on a while back. Its sort of a poem but more like a rhythmical short story. This is a true story by the way. I hope you enjoy it.
I remember the color of the sky, as blue as the ocean from the birds eye
I remember the rustling of the tree, like the applause for a symphony
I remember the how the rock felt below my feet, the moss that carpeted it.
I remember the cool water numbing my toes, rushing over and splashing at my shins.
I remember the fear associated with the pulling on my legs
I remember scrambling, grasping for anything to hold
I remember My last attempt for air
I remember the dark, and the silence
I remember being weightless and care free for a few beautiful moments
I remember touching the bottom
I remember the panic rushing back
I remember the feeling that my lungs were exploding
I remember seeing the light from the surface, so close, but just out of reach
I remember gaining speed, and with it increasing hope.
I remember the sharp pain in my head that the rock caused ,
I remember sinking
I remember the fleeting hope
I remember the familiar feeling of the bottom.
I remember drifting up, too slow for me to make it.
I remember giving up
I remember a warm embrace,
I remember a force out side of me lifting my limp body
I remember breaking the surface, the taste of air was never so sweet
I remember turning to see my father, a face I had never been so glad to see.
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140,503 Literary Works • 673,257 Reviews
The beginning was great. ^-^ As I kept reading I just wanted to keep reading, if this was a book I'd totally be reading all the chapters. I hope to find more poems that are as beautifully written like this one. Good job, it really caught my eye. The ending was amazing, when I was reading it I kept saying to myself that she was dying. But the very end was wonderful! When you said she saw her father I was so relieved. >w< Great poem! Keep it up~
I liked the poem, just as PeanutPhoebe did. I thought it was a very good idea to write about something that actually happened to you, it gave the poem a stronger feel and you could write about it more truthfully.
... But it doesn't matter, I wasn't there and can't judge.
One thing I didn't like is the fact that you said "a warm embrace", aren't you under water? I would have thought the only thing that could be warm is wetting yourself
I like your utilisation of "I remember", it was the baseline of the poem, and I thought that it gave it that little somethin extra. All in all I think that it's really good, you fit your words together nicely and it was in beat the whole time. It was also a very interesting poem to read, it definitely caught my attention
Keep writing,
The Shauzer.
Thanks for the feed back, for your first comment (about the warm embrace) I wouldn't mind so much, just trying to get a comfortable as possible. This was a piece that i wrote a while ago so i was trying to remember (ha) how it went.
Once again thanks
Good job!! I really like this story. Hope you weren't hurt to badly:/ Okay, first off, the rhyming confused me a little bit, because sometimes it works really well, but then in other places there is no rhyme. I suggest working on that a little bit. I like the "I remember" theme and that you used that all the way through. The beat is a little off, but since this isn't necessarily a true poem, it doesn't matter quite as much. It could still use a little bit of work, but is not necessary. Overall, good job on this, and keep writing!!
Lady Celestia, the Golden Knight
Thanks! I wasn't really going for a rhyme in this but it kind of just happened, sorry if that confused you.