18+ Violence Mature Content

Aftershock series 1) journey to oasis

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for violence and mature content.

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Journey to oasis

Days of old
You! No not you oaf. You! Yes you are not from here are you? No how you could be the only people that remain are the old or the sick, you are neither. The city, it is old very old, holds many secrets and stories. I’m terribly sorry if I’m keeping you we do not get many visitors.im not? Well in that case perhaps I may be of some assistance? You see as I said this place holds many secrets… it once flew through the sky. Hope I believe it was called. Yes it was beautiful but alas it was in the hands of the wrong people you see… maybe I should start from the beginning might bring a better perspective on the subject. Well, long ago when man was peaceful and loving. No sickness or death existed it was a great time everyone lived gracefully. But that all changed long ago long before the demons took this earth…
There was a very old village, the oldest out of them all many lived here. In this village brothers who were closer than any they looked out for one another took care of each other. One day while they were walking to the river I believe, they came across a man on a log next to the path. He wore a black cloak that covered all but his bony hands. The man raised his hand and motioned for them to come over without as much as a tilt of his head. The younger brother his name I believe was Cain, looked up at his older brother unsure of what to do. His brother Taylon looked down and smiled. They walked over and stood but a foot from the man. A scent filled the air one the brothers were unfamiliar with, death.
A strange noise began to abrupt from the man low at first then it grew louder then stopped. The brothers stumbled back a bit unsure of what they were witnessing. Then two blue figures leaped from the dense woods and attacked the older brother slashing his legs then restringing him. Cain frozen with fear. The creatures on taylon were at least ten feet tall long narrow arms with clawed fingers the legs came to points digging into his brothers legs. The boy closed his eyes hoping… praying it was a dream. He felt a chill run down his spine and opened his eyes to the old man standing but a few inches from him his orange glowing eyes staring into his.
The man’s hand reached into his cloak and revealed a dark stone blade rough and chiseled but looked fairly sharp. He held it out to the boy nodding for him to take it. Hesitantly Cain reached shakenly took the stone. The moments his fingers wrapped around the cold evil stone the fate of man was decided.
Cain’s head dropped and he fell to the ground and went limp. The man fell to his knees next the boy and produced some herbs and placed them under the Cain’s nose. Taylon who stopped struggling watched in horror as his brothers body began to shake violently black veins shot up and down the visible parts of his body all ending circling his tightly shut eyes. Then it stopped.
The man helped Cain to his feet and steadied him. Once he regained his balance he slowing made his way to his brother. The creature pulled there sharp legs out of his brother which caused a blood curdling scream to abrupt. The younger brother knelt beside him and placed a hand on his chest. Taylon struggling not to scream again looked up to his younger brother and stared paralyzed. His brother staring back at him with glowing orange eyes circled with deep dark veins. He raised the blade and brought it down on his brother’s skull without so much as a hesitation. He withdrew the cold blade from taylons head and stared down at the lifeless body. He raised his other hand and motioned for the old man to come. He shuffled over to the boy and began to open his mouth before he could get a word out he hit the ground dead before he landed. Cain looked down at his bloodied clawed hand grasping the man’s heart. He tossed it aside and walked toward his brother’s body he grabbed taylons arm and started dragging him back towards their village the creature following not far behind. As he reached the village he caught glimpse of his parents and others dancing at a large fire in the center of town. It was getting dark the fire licked the sky bringing flickers of light to the village. He walked towards them stopping quite a few feet away from the me dropped his brothers and raised his hands to his mouth and unleashed a low unholy howl. Every one stopped and turned to the boy confused. He picked his brother back up and brought his head to his level. He stared into the eyes of every villager there. Then without a second thought he tore his brother’s head from his body his spine following out the bloody hole. Horrific screams filed the air as the black veined creatures poured in through the gate attacking anything with a heartbeat. Cain stood staring into his brothers eyes a bloody smile stained on his face.


Catching up
And that my friend is how you start a story! Ha ha alright well let’s get back to it ah? Well in the years that pasted the world grew both in physically and mentally are advances were amazing! But alas we were destined for failure. Man fought constantly some for what they thought was a noble cause but most for greed. Man could never have enough. Well one day long ago the fight took a new turn I believe it was in the 1900s.yes very long ago. There was a fight between two nations. One was called the U…ah the United States I believe. The other was a small nation name slips my old mind. Well any ways the United States devolved a weapon, a very powerful weapon that ultimately lead us here. They called it the atom bomb.
They first uses were on that small nation small settlements called Hiroshima and Nagasaki many died and it poisoned the land even to this day we now call those areas dead zones yes? Well that would be the first one. Well humanity went downhill from there on out the “powers” of the world fought until but 1 stood they called them Sverkhderzhava bit of a mouthful huh. Ha ha well it means “the superpowerd” people called them the supreme long ago if that’s easier to remember. Well they survived in a flying city ruled from here.*padding his metal seat*
Well humanity somewhat survived. Some came together groups to survive. Others traveled in droves to the big cities were safe havens were created those of the lesser morality made gangs killed, raided and the other unpleasant but there was and unknown enemy that been gaining strength over all those years and they were ready to bring itself back to light and that is where the legend of a man named john begins.

All legends start somewhere
John get your lazy ass up now!

Comments & reviews · 2
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"Yes you are not from here are you?" Comma after yes.

"No how you could be the only people that remain are the old or the sick you are neither." Some more grammar. Should be more like "No, how could you be? The only people that remain are the old or the sick, and you are neither."

"The city, it is old very old holds many secrets and stories." I feel like your goal here is broken English, but I'm having trouble understanding things. I'm not sure what to do with this.

"I’m terribly sorry if I’m keeping you we do not get many visitor, i'm not?" This really makes no sense... did you mean "I'm terribly sorry if I'm keeping you, we do not get many visitors."

"Well in that case perhaps I may be of assistance?" Comma after case.

"You see(comma) as I said(comma) this place holds many secrets… it once flew through the sky."

"might bring a better perception on the subject." New sentence or comma or it's a run on.

Alright, so I tried to point most of it out, but the main thing that I'm noticing here is sentence structure issues, and grammar issues. I think you should really go back and revise this and make sure you have all the right punctuation. Also, a lot of your sentences are not actually sentences. They are either run-on's, fragments, or incomplete sentences. These are easily fixed, and I did some of them above.

You are missing a period for the very end of the sentence.

Again, what I touched on before. This story has a lot of potential, but it is hard to follow with the sentences being structurally wrong. I liked the plot, but it seems like a conversation for the most part, especially in the beginning, and it is also hard to follow. It is one sided and we never really get introduced to any characters who are actually in the written story, not the story being told. We have no sense of the narrator, or who is listening. Is it a grandparent to their grandchild? An older sibling to the younger ones? I do understand what you are trying to create here, and I am not necessarily telling you to add the characters, but it would help to know whether person A is talking to a person B or what not. Other than that, good job. Just keep in mind that these are all suggestions and you by no means have to listen to me.

User avatar
Mea
Review
Mea wrote a review · Thu Mar 02, 2017 11:02 am

Hey there! I thought I'd drop by for a quick review of this story today.

So, what I got from this is that this is set in a futuristic world where nuclear war devastated the planet, but some people escaped to a flying city and a few others (including the narrator, I think?) managed to survive on the ground. I think this is a pretty interesting premise, and I like your opening gimmick of it being a person who is telling us, the reader, a story, as if we showed up outside their house one day.

I don't like to pick on grammar a lot in my reviews, but readability was a big problem with this story. A lot of it was just awkward or didn't make sense, and I had to try to puzzle it out. Either that, or I could understand what you meant but it still read strangely due to the grammatical errors.

You have several different kinds of errors, but at a glance, it's mostly an exclusion of commas. Your sentences are long enough that you should have way more than five commas in the entire piece. Way more. As a general rule, if you would pause when reading aloud, you should have a comma there. Actual comma rules are a lot more complicated, and I'm not going to get into them here, but there are a few great guides on YWS that cover that stuff:

The Great Grammar Compendium
Comma splices

The story of Taylon was chilling. The only thing I'd suggest there is to give all three of them names, since it was confusing to figure out who was who, and also to maybe drag it out a bit so it doesn't feel so condensed. Basically, give either more or less detail, so it's either fully fleshed out or a skeleton story. And if you don't want them named, then I'd try to focus on making it clear who is doing what in the story. Also, watch your pronoun use, since we can't always know which "he" you're referring to.

And that's all I've got for you! Good luck with this story, and keep writing!



okay I think I need to grab some nachos
— BluesClues