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18+ Language Violence

journey to oasis- aftershock#1

by tyl3rdirden, nate4452


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.

Journey to oasis

Days of old

You! No not you oaf. You! Yes you are not from here are you? No how you could be the only people that remain are the old or the sick, you are neither. The city, it is old very old, holds many secrets and stories. I’m terribly sorry if I’m keeping you we do not get many visitors.im not? Well in that case perhaps I may be of some assistance? You see as I said this place holds many secrets… it once flew through the sky. Hope I believe it was called. Yes it was beautiful but alas it was in the hands of the wrong people you see… maybe I should start from the beginning might bring a better perspective on the subject. Well, long ago when man was peaceful and loving. No sickness or death existed it was a great time everyone lived gracefully. But that all changed long ago long before the demons took this earth…

There was a very old village, the oldest out of them all many lived here. In this village brothers who were closer than any they looked out for one another took care of each other. One day while they were walking to the river I believe, they came across a man on a log next to the path. He wore a black cloak that covered all but his bony hands. The man raised his hand and motioned for them to come over without as much as a tilt of his head. The younger brother his name I believe was Cain, looked up at his older brother unsure of what to do. His brother Taylon looked down and smiled. They walked over and stood but a foot from the man. A scent filled the air one the brothers were unfamiliar with, death.

A strange noise began to abrupt from the man low at first then it grew louder then stopped. The brothers stumbled back a bit unsure of what they were witnessing. Then two blue figures leaped from the dense woods and attacked the older brother slashing his legs then restringing him. Cain frozen with fear. The creatures on taylon were at least ten feet tall long narrow arms with clawed fingers the legs came to points digging into his brothers legs. The boy closed his eyes hoping… praying it was a dream. He felt a chill run down his spine and opened his eyes to the old man standing but a few inches from him his orange glowing eyes staring into his.

The man’s hand reached into his cloak and revealed a dark stone blade rough and chiseled but looked fairly sharp. He held it out to the boy nodding for him to take it. Hesitantly Cain reached shakenly took the stone. The moments his fingers wrapped around the cold evil stone the fate of man was decided.

Cain’s head dropped and he fell to the ground and went limp. The man fell to his knees next the boy and produced some herbs and placed them under the Cain’s nose. Taylon who stopped struggling watched in horror as his brothers body began to shake violently black veins shot up and down the visible parts of his body all ending circling his tightly shut eyes. Then it stopped.

The man helped Cain to his feet and steadied him. Once he regained his balance he slowing made his way to his brother. The creature pulled there sharp legs out of his brother which caused a blood curdling scream to abrupt. The younger brother knelt beside him and placed a hand on his chest. Taylon struggling not to scream again looked up to his younger brother and stared paralyzed. His brother staring back at him with glowing orange eyes circled with deep dark veins. He raised the blade and brought it down on his brother’s skull without so much as a hesitation. He withdrew the cold blade from taylons head and stared down at the lifeless body. He raised his other hand and motioned for the old man to come. He shuffled over to the boy and began to open his mouth before he could get a word out he hit the ground dead before he landed. Cain looked down at his bloodied clawed hand grasping the man’s heart. He tossed it aside and walked toward his brother’s body he grabbed taylons arm and started dragging him back towards their village the creature following not far behind. As he reached the village he caught glimpse of his parents and others dancing at a large fire in the center of town. It was getting dark the fire licked the starry sky bringing flickers of light to the village. He walked towards them stopping quite a few feet away from the me dropped his brothers body and raised his hands to his mouth and unleashed a low unholy howl. Every one stopped and turned to the boy startled and confused. He picked his brother back up and brought his head to his level. He stared into the eyes of every villager there. Then without a second thought he tore his brother’s head from his body his spine following out the bloody hole. Horrific screams filed the air as the black veined creatures poured in through the gate attacking anything with a heartbeat. Cain stood staring into his brothers eyes a bloody smile stained on his face.

Catching up

And that my friend is how you start a story! Ha ha alright well let’s get back to it ah? Well in the years that pasted the world grew both in physically and mentally are advances were amazing! But alas we were destined for failure. Man fought constantly some for what they thought was a noble cause but most for greed. Man could never have enough. Well one day long ago the fight took a new turn I believe it was in the 1900s.yes very long ago. There was a fight between two nations. One was called the U…ah the United States I believe. The other was a small nation name slips my old mind. Well any ways the United States devolved a weapon, a very powerful weapon that ultimately lead us here. They called it the atom bomb.

They first uses were on that small nation small settlements called Hiroshima and Nagasaki many died and it poisoned the land even to this day we now call those areas dead zones yes? Well that would be the first one. Well humanity went downhill from there on out the “powers” of the world fought until but 1 stood they called them Sverkhderzhava bit of a mouthful huh. Ha ha well it means “the superpowerd” people called them the supreme long ago if that’s easier to remember. Well they survived in a flying city ruled from here.*padding his metal seat*

Well humanity somewhat survived. Some came together groups to survive. Others traveled in droves to the big cities were safe havens were created those of the lesser morality made gangs killed, raided and the other unpleasant but there was and unknown enemy that been gaining strength over all those years and they were ready to bring itself back to light and that is where the legend of a man named john begins.

All legends start somewhere

John get your lazy ass up now! John groaned as he dragged himself to the edge of his bed


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117 Reviews

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Reviews: 117

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Wed Nov 30, 2016 11:24 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...



Hello there, tyl3rdirden!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^-^

My apologies, but I think I may have reviewed something similar to this also by you? I might be thinking of the wrong person, but if so, I apologize if I repeat something you may have already been told.

My main problem with this is the readability. You have poor dialogue structure, and you have huge portions of block text. This makes it really easy for the reader to get lost and not be able to keep up very quickly, and I recommend separating these paragraphs. Try to separate these paragraphs when you move onto another idea.

As for the dialogue structure, the previous reviewer already showed you how to fix this, so I shall move on.

There are several grammar mistakes that I don't really want to make a list of right now, for the sake of the length of this review. You could take the grammar checker advice that was mentioned beforehand, but I do have another thing about grammar checking I would like to share. Also, a small note; there's such things as commas. Try to use them more effectively, it would help out the flow a ton.

Anyway, what I suggest doing is reading over the story yourself. But out loud, that way mistakes don't slip so easily. Read your writing thoroughly and you may encounter these issues. If you feel as if there needs to be punctuation, add it. If you feel like things could slow down, do so. If you get lost in your paragraphs, fix it. If something doesn't make sense in general, fix that, too. That way you can see your mistakes and learn from them.

I hope my review helps you out!




tyl3rdirden says...


thx a ton not the best with grammar or punction but i will try to fix those



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1081 Reviews

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Wed Nov 30, 2016 10:22 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Kaos here for a review!

Wowzers. The first thing that I noticed about this piece is the very large walls of text. I highly suggest you break these into smaller paragraphs because it's hard to read everything if it's all in one place and it becomes quite daunting for the reader, usually making them look the other way. I'm going to explain paragraphs a little more. You should have a new paragraph when there's a new thought or idea, which is a good rule of thumb. Another time that you make a new paragraph is when there's a new speaker in the dialogue. For example, you do this:

"Hi, Kyle, how're you today?" Gayle asked.

"Hello, Gayle. I'm doing well." Kyle replied.

And not this:

"Hi, Kyle, how're you today?" Gayle asked. "Hello, Gayle. I'm doing well." Kyle replied.

It looks a lot neater in the former way, doesn't it?

While touching on grammar, I highly suggest using a grammar checker because you have a lot of errors running throughout this piece, but don't rely on them for everything because they don't catch everything. I'm going to leave a link that you should check out for learning grammar rules better and everything of that sort:

The Great Grammar Compendium


Moving on from that, the story is hard to follow with everything going on. You info-dump a lot of information onto the reader in the beginning paragraph, and I think it would be better to sprinkle it throughout the story. The rule, "show don't tell" applies here. If you haven't heard of it, it's that you should show rather than tell things. Instead of just telling the story, show us the story in scenes and in the active voice. This doesn't mean that there isn't places where the passive voice does better, but it's a general rule.

The descriptions of the people here are something that I liked and I would have liked to see more descriptions that are less technical and more with carrying emotional weight. What I mean by this is that you can give us more than just "three rabbits" or "five or six feet long" or anything of that sort. Give us sensory details so that we can immerse ourselves as readers into the story. Describe the sight, smell, touch, taste, and sound of the scenes that are going on to make it more vivid.

I hope I helped and have a great day!




tyl3rdirden says...


thank you very much this is very useful i will look into fixing the mistakes the site was very helpful thank you again




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