z

Young Writers Society



The Chronicles of a Teenage Vampire

by twilight12


this is one of my newest stories im going to be sharing with you all! :D so i hope you all enjoy it but please tell me if i need to edit anything!

Chapter 1 New Things Happen

I walked through the door of my new home and raced my little sister to the biggest bedroom there was in the whole house luckily I was the first one there but since she was only four years old I let her have the room.

Hi my name is Liliana Kelly and this is my story of vampire love I live with my mom and my little sister and my dad Jack had gotten married to another women by the name of “Hannah Gregory” my mothers name is Juliana and my little sisters name is Bridgette I moved from Los Angeles, California to a little town called Hinsdale, Illinois.

When I first got there my mom told me that I was going to a school called Hinsdale Central high school and once I was there I was going to be a new sophomore and I’m 15 turning 16 in a few weeks so here’s my story…....

I went up to my new room and looked around, “Wow! This room is bigger than my old one!”

I thought to myself while putting my things by the door Juliana then came in to check on me, “So how do you like your new room sweetie?” I turned around and gave a big grin, “I love it!” I said in a loud voice but I knew that this life would be totally different from my old one, “So did you order anything new for me?” My mom then looked at me with a serious look, “You know I cant tell you until your birthday!” I giggled after Juliana left the room I hung up all of my posters and set up my new bed and decorated it I got ready to go and look around for awhile before I had to eat dinner and go to bed.

I grabbed my jacket and ran out the door and of course it was the beginning of October and it was a bit chilly out so I raced down the block and started to walk towards the stores I walked into the very first one called Walgreens.

On my way inside I saw about a few people about my age looking at me as I walked by the ideal of magazines and candy.

I picked up a few and grabbed a pack of gum and headed to the clerk to pay for the items, as I stepped outside after I paid for all the gifts I felt like they were still watching me and they were I stood near the wall as I waited hesitated for them to come out an hour later they finally showed I saw them one by one walk near me and stop I stood there just staring at them, “Uh… Hi I’m Lilianna but you can call me Lea.” I said while giving a fake smile then one of them spoke up surprisingly, “I’m Ali and this is Eric and Bennett.” Ali said while smiling a huge grin on her face, “So where are you from?” Eric said curiously, “Oh I’m from…” I didn’t want them to think that I was a stuck up snob so I thought of something quickly, “I’m from Oklahoma.” I said with a half smile on my face.

“Are you sure?” Troy asked with a suspicious look, “No, I’m from Los Angeles.”

Ali looked over my shoulder and noticed a bag behind me, “What’s the bag for?” she asked with curiosity I looked down and saw the bag, “Oh its my bag of things I bought.”

Ali then nodded her head and turned to Bennett and Eric they whispered and Bennett turned back to me, “Do you want to hang out with us tomorrow?” I smiled and nodded for agreement as Eric and Ali both walked to the street light to cross Bennett didn’t bother following and gazed at me, “Do you want something?” I asked irritated, “Yeah I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime I mean like just you and me?” I smiled and kneeled down to grab my bag, “Sure. How about this Saturday.” He then smiled at me, “Sure, there’s a dance at the school Saturday so lets meet outside the pool doors at three.” “Ok.” I said waving goodbye to him.

I walked home with a huge smile across my face, as I walked through the door my mom was gazing down out at me, “Do you know what time it is?!” she said in a angry voice.

I looked at my watch and noticed it was after nine, “I’m so sorry mom it will never happen again I promise!” I glared at her with almost watery eyes, “Ok your off the hook this time!” she said with relief.

I hugged her and ran up to my room and got ready for bed.I turned on my ipod and danced around while brushing my long silky brown hair I heard my door open and I jumped on to my bed and started to pretend to sleep I opened one eye and saw no one there I walked on over to my door and closed it.

I shut off my ipod and lights and went to sleep I woke up from a loud bang I looked at my clock and noticed it was three in the morning I looked out my window and looked around.

I stayed up for a little while until it was time to wake up I heard my alarm clock ring and slammed my fist on it.

I went to the bathroom and took a shower and got dressed I quickly snuck out of the house before my mom saw me I ran to get my bike from the garage and rode off to the parking lot of the school where I met up with Bennett Ali and Eric where they were standing by three other girls and two other guys I parked my bike and walked on over to where Bennett was standing, “Hey!” I said while rushing over. “Oh hey Lea!” Ali said while smiling at me.

“So who are your friends besides Eric?” “Oh this is Stella, Kathleen, Allen, Jake and Gregory.” I waved at them while Ali was telling me who they were, I started to walk with Stella and Bennett while the others walked behind us. “So I hear your from California.” Stella asked unsurprisingly, “Yeah, I am.” I said while putting my fingers through my hair. “Hey Stella, why don’t you go back there with the others.” Bennett said irately, “Ok. Well Ill talk to you later at school Lea, bye.” Stella then ran over to them before I even said bye to her, “So were now alone.” Bennett said while smiling, “No were not there right behind us.” I said while giving him a smile, “I know I’m just saying its just you and me without them, “Ok.” I said while nodding, “Look um… Lea can I tell you something?” Bennett asked me with a scared look on his face, “Sure, you can tell me anything.” when Bennett opened his mouth the bell rang, “Tell me later.” I said while running to my first class of the day P.E.

I ran to the office to buy my uniform from the school store I looked at the clock and noticed I had ten more minutes to get back to the gym.

I ran as fast as I could until I ran into a persons locker and fell to the floor staring at the ceiling, “Are you ok?” a voice asked me while helping me up, “Yeah I’m fine, thanks.” I said while getting up with my things, “Aren’t you the new girl?” he asked me with a smirk across his face, “Yeah I am I guess everyone has found out about me.” I said while giggling a little, “Well, its not like the whole state heard about you!” he said while smiling, “By the way I’m Matt, you must be Lea.” “Yeah I guess I am.” I said while looking around.

We both walked to the gym where Ali and Allen were both waiting for me, “Your late!” Mrs. Jericho said as she was walking over to me, “Sorry I am new here.” I said feeling embarrassed, “Its alright happens all the time with new kids, Lea right?” Mrs. Jericho asked while smiling. “Yeah.” I said while walking to the locker room to get dressed.

I quickly got dressed and headed back out I watched as the girls were ordered to run laps and the boys had to play basketball.

I caught up to where Ali was at, “Hey Ali what did Bennett want to tell me?” I asked suspiciously. “I don’t know what you r talking about.” Ali told me while trying to get off the subject.

After gym I headed to Chemistry with Ali and Stella I sat by myself wondering what Bennett had to tell me. While everyone was talking and Mr. Bruno was out of the room I heard Stella call my name to over to where she was. “What?” I asked while standing there, “Nothing I was wondering if you wanted to sit together at lunch. “Ok lets sit together then.” I said with a big smile across my face while they were still talking I started to think of what he had to say to me then the bell rang and everyone headed straight to lunch.

I grabbed my lunch and sat by Ali, Stella, Allen and Matt I looked at Ali and noticed she wasn’t eating, “Why aren’t you eating?” I asked before Stella or any of the others came over, “I already ate.” I nodded and started eating my food Stella and the others came back with Bennett and Eric, Bennett sat right by me before anyone else would.

While we were sitting there not talking to each other I got up and walked out of the cafeteria, “What’s with her?” Allen asked while eating a stuffed pretzel. Bennett shrugged his shoulders and also left following behind me at a speed of light.

I then saw him by me in a second right by my locker, “What do you want?” I asked surprised, “Nothing I was wondering why you walked out of there like that.”

I looked down at my light pink and white converse and looked back up at him, “I don’t really know why there was just something about Ali that just frightened me.” I said while looking at him and down at my Chemistry book.

“Don’t worry what ever it was its already over.” he said while smiling at me, “By the way Bennett what did you want to tell me?” I asked while gazing at his sleek light brown hair.

“Oh, yeah I’ll tell you when your ready alright.” he turned and walked away I ran to go and catch up with him, “Wait!” I said trying to catch my breath I looked down breathing in and out to catch my breath and as I looked up he was right by me I jumped with surprise. “What?” he asked impatiently, “How old are you?” he looked around making sure no one was around but all he saw was little freshman walking around, “I’m seventeen. Why?”

“Nothing I was just curious.” I laughed a little while saying what I had to say.

He turned and walked away real fast at a steady paste, “Well bye.!” I mumbled to myself so no one else would hear me I grabbed my extra things and called my mom to come pick me up, the phone ran but no one picked up I walked out of the nurses office and got to go home early, I walked out of the building and rode back home where I saw my mom’s parked car was.

I walked to the steps and entered through the door, “Mom I’m home!” I yelled but there was no answer I looked around the house looking for her then I found her outside in the back pulling weeds out of the ground, “Hey Lea, what are you doing home so early?” Juliana asked me while pulling the gardening gloves off her hands. “Oh, I wasn’t feeling good so I called home and no one answered so they let me go home early.” I said while looking at the pulled out weed by the recycling bins, “Well you certainly don’t look sick!’ Juliana said while smiling, “Well I just wanted to come back home to help you around the house.” I said while following her into the kitchen. “Ok whatever you say Lea. But this is the last time you are staying home for the rest of the semester.” I nodded at her while she was cleaning her hands off with a wash cloth, “Oh yeah can you do me a favor and pick Bridgette up from school?” “Sure.” I said while flipping the channels on the TV while I was flipping the channels I saw a school on fire that looked just like Bridgette’s school.

“Hey Mom isn’t that Bridgette’s school?” she walked in and looked, “Oh my goodness! It is!” she gasped while saying she rushed to get her keys and grabbed my arm, “Ow! Mom let go of me!” she let go and shut the door behind me as I stepped into the passenger seat, my mom ran on the other side and put the key in the ignition and drove off quickly and got to the school where she saw Bridgette being put on an ambulance I rushed out of the car and ran on over to where she was being bandaged at, “Lea!” Bridgette cried out as I ran onto the ambulance, “It’s alright now ok.” I told her as I was hugging her.

“I was so scared!” she said as I was carrying her to the car door. “At least you made out alive!” I said under my breath I shut the door and hopped in front.

We got home an hour later and heard the doorbell ring I rushed over and saw a man standing there, “Hello you must be Lea.” the strange man said as he was walking in, “Yeah I guess I am.” I said giggling, my mom walked in and saw him, “Oh hello Robert.” My mom said blushing, “You know him?” I said shocked, “Yeah we have been going out for about a month.” “And this is why you wanted to move out here?” “Yes, it is Lea.” she said smiling at me. “Well we should be back by midnight night so I want you to put Bridgette to bed by nine and you can stay up if you want.” she said while getting her purse from her bedroom, “Ok but can Ali and Stella come over?” my mom walked out of her room wearing a nice long black dress, “Sure what are you guys going to do?” I thought for a moment, “I guess a movie night I’m not sure.” she smirked a bit and walked out with Rob.

I watched as they got into the car and drove off I picked up my cell phone and started to text Ali and Stella to come over.

About three hours later Ali and Stella showed up at the door, “Hey, come on in.” they walked on in as I moved out of the way for them to take off there shoes, “So what do you guys want to do?” I asked as

I slammed the door behind me. Bridgette came running towards me as I was waiting for them to make up there mind of what they want to do, “Lea can I stay up with you?” she asked excited when she saw Stella and Ali, “Lea you never told us you had a little sister.” Stella said smiling at me. “I thought I did.” I said smiling back, “So can I?” Bridgette said while waiting for me to stop ignoring her, “No Bridgette you need to go to bed ok.” “Ok.” Bridgette said and walked off to her room and closed the door.

“Ok, so what do you want to do?” Ali shrugged her shoulders and Stella thought for a moment, “I got it lets watch a movie.” I smiled and ran to my room to get all of my DVDs I had.

I ran back down and saw Stella and Ali were already sitting down, “So what do you guys want to watch?” I asked pulling everything out of my box I kept them all in. “hmmm….how about Confessions of a teenage drama queen.” Ali said while leaning over to grab it. “Ok.” I said while opening the case and sticking it into the DVD player, we all watched it and as it was over Stella fell asleep both me and Ali laughed as we saw her laying there.

Five minutes later my mom came home and saw us still watching Stella sleeping and giggling more at her, “Why are you girls laughing at her?” she asked as we turned to her, “She’s snoring that’s why.” Ali said as she was gazing at Stella again, “Oh, you must be Ali and that must be Stella.” my mom said while smiling, “Yeah I’m Ali and that’s Stella.”

“Well it was nice meeting you I’m going to go to bed now ok Lea ok?” I nodded and watched her walk into her room and lay down on her bed, “So do you want to go up to my room?” I asked looking back at Ali, “Sure. But do you want to wake her up first?” “Yeah lets wake her up I got a great way.” I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of ice cold water and dumped it on her, “Ahh!” Stella screeched as she woke up and wiped her face off, “Oh, you guys are so dead!” she said as we ran up the stairs to my room with Stella chasing after us. We walked into my room and sat on my bed. “So now what do you want to do?” I asked looking at Stella still wiping the water from her face off.

“I don’t know.” Ali said while pretending to yawn, “Let’s go to sleep.” Stella suggested, “Ok then lets sleep.” I said while laying on my pillow shutting my eyes, I woke up three hours later and saw Stella laying on one of the couches and Ali on the next I looked around and I thought I saw Bennett’s image in my mirror, I laid my head back onto my pillow and drifted off into a deep sleep.


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8 Reviews


Points: 890
Reviews: 8

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Wed May 20, 2009 1:55 am
lovly_audrey wrote a review...



Hey Twilight!
This is my first time ever reviewing a story so this is a big deal!
haha so first I want you to know I really like the plot and Liliana's attitude.
A few things I thought I should point out to you though is:
For one you don't use enough punctuation and it makes me feel like you are almost rambling at times.
At the same time however, it seems like the story as a whole is a bit rushed. Maybe you could add a few details to make the reader really get into the story.

I noticed some grammar issues to specifically

twilight12 wrote:On my way inside I saw about a few people about my age looking at me as I walked by the ideal of magazines and candy.


First of all I think this would be better as two sentences instead of just one.

also
"about a few people" Isn't right it should either be "a few people" or "about - and then a specific number of people." as in "about 5 people"

Other than those few things I really enjoyed reading! I hope you post more soon
=)




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Points: 300
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Sun May 17, 2009 4:22 pm
twilight12 says...



thanks ill try and edit it again and thanks again :)




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537 Reviews


Points: 60568
Reviews: 537

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Sun May 17, 2009 12:31 am
Evi wrote a review...



Hey Twilight! First of all, let me caution you about something. I assume, because of your name, that you like Twilight? And here you're writing a vampire love story? When I read something I really love, the very first thing I want to do is go write something exactly like it. Make sure this doesn't happen here, okay? There's no fun in just re-writing Twilight when there are so many other ideas out there. This story seems a lot about Twilight, you know. With a girl moving to a small town, falling in love with a vampire...same concept. Avoid that.

Okay. I;m going to be brutally honest here, alright?

Also, I see you haven't done any reviews. You really need to get out there and do some, okay? For everything you post you should have two reviews, at least. :wink: Make sure not to forget.

Hi my name is Liliana Kelly and this is my story of vampire love I live with my mom and my little sister and my dad Jack had gotten married to another women by the name of “Hannah Gregory” my mothers name is Juliana and my little sisters name is Bridgette I moved from Los Angeles, California to a little town called Hinsdale, Illinois.


First of all-- run on sentences are evil, okay? You need punctuation. Let me demonstrate.

Hi! My name is Liliana Kelly, and this is my story of vampire love. I like with my mom and my little sister, because my dad (Jack) had gotten married to another woman, Hannah Gregory. My mother's name is Juliana and my little sister is Bridgette. I moved from los Angeles, California to a little town in Illinois called Hinsdale.

See how, everytime a thought ended, I put a period? Also, everywhere you need to take a breath, I put a comma. Google 'puntuation' and brush up on the rules, okay? A story is much more enjoyable with proper grammar.

:arrow: Info Dumps

One of the most unappealing ways to start a story is through an info-dump. What exactly, you ask, is an info dump? It's when you try and cram every bit of information about your plot and main characters into a huge ginormous paragraph. I hate to break it to you, but this is really boring for your readers. Liliana isn't as interesting if you tell us her life story right off the bat. It's much more tasteful to slowly introduce her to us, let us get to know her and her family instead of just going out and saying it outright.

In other words, I really think it would be better for you to scrap this truckload of information and start right into the action or the dialogue. This may sound harsh, but it will make your readers so much more interested in your story.

:arrow: Staring a story like this:

Hi my name is Liliana Kelly and this is my story of vampire love

This is called being way too obvious, okay? :wink: We know that this is her story. Also, don't tell us now that this is a story about vampire romance! Let us find that out for ourselves! It's no fun if you don't let the readers put together the clues themselves. You don't need to spell everything out for us before you've even introduced your characters.

:arrow: I...I...I...

You're starting way too many sentences with the word 'I'-- it makes your character sound a bit self-sectered, you know? This is called naval-grazing. It's when all the author talks about is their own main character and nothing else in the story matters. You really should add in some more description; what clothes were Ali, Bennet, and Eric wearing? What did the Walgreens smell like? What does the new house look like? How is the weather in this new town? Let your MC (main character) focus on something other than herself for a minute, and take the time to describe some things around her.

:arrow: Realistic? No.

This fire that happens at Bridgette's school? You blow it off like it's nothing. The mother still leaves that night instead of staying to make sure her daughter, who almost died, is okay. There isn't enough fear. There isn't enough worry. You can't bring up a huge event like that and just act like it's nothing afterwards.

And with the mother's date. Lea would be freaking out, knowing that she gave up her life in LA for her mom's boyfriend when her mom didn't even tell her this. Pretend that your parents moved you to another city because they were having an affair with a stranger! How would you feel? You would cry, or scream, or be in shock. Here, Lea just gets over it.

Also, Bridgette didn't even fight when Lea told her she couldn't stay with them? As far as I've heard, siblings would argue over that kind of thing. :lol:

:arrow: Grammar

So. Soime helpful tips, eh? Check out the Knowledge Base under 'Resources', okay, and then go into 'Grammar'. Here are two basic rules to keep in mind.

--Start a new paragraph each time someone new begins to speak. You should never have back to back quotations.

-- Punctuate! Don't forget, okay? :P It's necessary for your story. If you need help with punctuation, PM me or any of the people with purple names and I'm sure we can help you.


:arrow: All-around

Like I said, I'm going to be brutal with you here. This, honestly, needs a lot of work. It's really not very interesting right now. Nothing you've told me about these girls, or the guys either, makes them stand apart as characters I'd want to know more about. I really thing you need to slow down for a bit. Develop you're plot instead of having a sleepover. Tell us how Lea is feeling about all of this. She's made freinds really quickly-- make her excited about that. Show us that she's human, and we'll be able to relate to her more.

I'm also going to tell you to read some more romance and vampire fiction, okay? You need to develop a style before you try and tackle a novel. I think this certainly has potential to be a good book, with these cool character's you've set up, but you need to see how other authors develop their stories and their descriptions first. I think it would really help you.

Other than that, there's really nothing else to say. I think the part about the mirror in the end was wonderful-- very mysterious. Draw that out. Tell us what LEa thinks about that.

PM me if you need anything! 8)

~Evi





Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
— C.S. Lewis