Llori (3)

twiggers wrote:The next morning, #FF0000 ">Lloretta Leshwinski-You don't need to add her last name, its very annoying. You should have A character or someone call out her name in the first part of the story. Here it's just a sore thumb. woke up with a horrible headache. She staggered to the bathroom and wet her face with fresh spring water #FF0000 ">from the pump. This seems a little odd. The pump isn't in the house so it would make more sense if she got "fresh spring water" from a bowel or basin. She knew that last night was too much. Her Powers had only just begun to develop, and then to use them like that, in only one night! Lloretta shook her head. She was ashamed of herself. There was a soft rap on the wooden door of her room. Lloretta padded across the floor and opened it.

"#FF0000 ">Llor! This may be a typo, but you keep using differant names for the same character. Try to stick to just Llori. There's been word going 'round that a daemon has influenced some boys last night! #FF0000 ">They say if they ever catch the daemon, they'll burn 'em. I sure hope they find it quick, an' burn it quicker. This dialogue is a little on-the-nose, try to be more subtle. (Of COURSE Llori knows their going to burn it, so why would her friend tell her that unless its for the *qoute* "story." Its just bad storytelling, try to rewrite. I sure don't want to be influenced by the Dark Arts..." #BF0000 ">Esther was always an earlybird, but #FF0000 ">Lloretta, on the other hand, #0000BF ">not so much: that seemed out of place for the time period. She frowned at Esther.

"Sit down, #FF0000 ">Ess, must stay with one name!!! I gotta tell you somethin'." #FF0000 ">Lloretta invited#FF0000 "> Esther into her room, and shut the door.

"That... daemon last night, wasn't a daemon. It... was a girl, that girl #FF0000 ">was... m--" This seems odd. It should read. ,that girl was m...Esther cut her off before she could finish her sentence.

"That's the thing! they said it was a daemon takin' the from of a girl! They said that's how it could #FF0000 ">deragertu: Uh, this was a little hard for me to pronounce. I would try a differant name. Look in a thesaurus for "demon," then find a word you like a twist it a little. This is how I usually come up with my wierd sounding names. !"She exclaimed.

Lloretta sighed, "Esther, #FF0000 ">that was no daemon: You could cut this out, its repetitive., it was me..." She whispered. Esther nearly fell off the bed. She was at a loss for words, but did not forget how to scream. Esther's howl shook the house.

"WITCH! WITCH! YOU ARE A DAEMON, LLORETTA LESHWINSHKI, A DAEMON!" Esther screamed. Lloretta was wide-eyed with fear. If they found her, she would be burnt. Surely the whole town had heard her scream.

" Esther, please, please be quiet! #FF0000 ">If you ain't: So I get the impression that this is taking place in the 18th century, right? If so, don't use ain't. Please. The people of that era probably would'nt, so Llori should'nt either., I'll be burned to hell! Your gonna go through the transformation, too. You'll become a 'daemon' too, Essie. Please, please hush up, Ess, please..." She whispered to her best friend as she stroked her chocolate-brown hair. #FF0000 ">Um, this is a little too jerky. I would think that Eshter would be shocked, then have disbelief, not scream "WITCH" at her best friend right away.

Esther nodded, "I'll hush, but only because we're best friends, Lloretta. And if I become a daemon, too, we'll run away together. Somewhere where they don't burn us, but let us live free." She promised.

#FF0000 ">Unfortunitly,: spell check. Esther did not hush quickly enough, for the whole town had heard her already. #FF0000 ">Now they were ready to burn Lloretta Leshwinski on the stake.: This is obvious, you don't need to write that. No mercy was shown to the Devil in Woodwin. They would burn her to hell, where the Devil belongs.

Whew, okay, so now onto the story.
This whole piece could use a rewrite, it just lacks flow. But that is easily fixed. The biggest issue is the MC's apathy. She doesn't seem to do anything at all. Please change it so that she actually tries to do something other than console Esther. She needs to be a protagonist, let her TAKE ACTION! Also, this section reads way too quickly, you need to add more descriptions, more atmospheres. Make us worry about what's going to happen the very instant she wakes up. Make us care deeply about this character and who she is. Don't let her fall into a do-nothing slide; let us see her struggle, fight, win! Oh, and one last thing, it’s about the dialogue. You should defiantly work on polishing that. Every time a character speaks, to me it sounds as though they have the same "voice." Try and make each character different enough so that the reader can figure out who's saying what without, "John said, Marsha said." But make sure it’s not too unique so that the reader goes, "Whoa, what’s going on here? Why is this guy a Texan and the other guy British?"
So all and all, you need to work on your style. There is no set way to do this except to practice, and read. Read and write and read and write and read and write and read some more. And read good books. Not just any paperback on the shelf. Read classics. Read more classics. Then just to tie it all in, read another classic! Even if you only plan on writing modern fiction, read classics! They have sentence structure and words that have been lost to the everyday man. Be an un-everyday man, read classics!
Get books on how to write prose. Get books on how to write everything, in fact. But most importantly, get books on how to write poetry. Those really help when it comes to learning how to hear the way words sound, and what sounds good together, and what doesn’t.
Then go out, and write about everything. Get a book on writing exercises, and do every single one within its covers. Journal, keep a journal, and write in it every day. These are things that every writer should do, most don't, but some do, and they become great. Become great.

auv'e revoire!