Published August 27, 2007
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Of course you're welcome to return and it's nice to meet you. You have a very good story here with a nice, sophisticated style. Your characters are interesting and believable and the plot is excellent. A little more physical description of your characters and setting would have been nice but it isn't necessary and I hardly found any mistakes so well done. Here are a few specific suggestions -
I couldn’t care less that Denise Adams had gotten a new convertible for her birthday or that Nate Blackwell had gotten caught smoking pot in the east-hall bathroom. [This sentence doesn't seem to fit with your smooth, sophisticated style. I'd suggest that you change the first 'gotten' to received and the second to 'been.']
Just as I reached into my pocket for my keys, I paused and looked back into the crowd for the pair of stormy gray eyes locked on my figure, but he is indiscernible amongst the masses. [This works but maybe you should stick with past tense. That works just as well and doesn't interrupt the flow.]
In a sea of murmurs about Angela and will, [You need a capital for 'will.'] I descended like a plague upon him.
He continued forward, sometimes unhindered, sometimes pushing his way through the crowd, the whole while speaking in an [s]authorities[/s] authoritive voice of what could have been.
I had read about characters in books [s]that[/s] who had died, but it was nothing compared to knowing that a real person had.
He gazed at me as if I had just scored the winning touchdown for the other team, and oh, the humiliating murmurs that arose around me.
The third part of his prediction had come to pass just as he said, the tragic ending that unveiled to our, until that point, protected psyches that who’s who meant [Perhaps means rather than 'meant' to make the point that it's relevant later in life as well.] nothing at all.
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Overall, you have a great piece of work here and after you've polished it up a little, I think you'll have a good chance of being published. Good luck and I hope some of my comments were useful,
Heather xx