Published August 13, 2006
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I can't add more to what has already been said. With Taro you have him changing personalities, he's protective of his family and then slightly mischevious.
I would especially love to know what the horse and the wolf play to this story. Since your other posts are long too I'll take time to give a more vivid critique for them.
The only problem I had was the over-descriptive sentences, I couldn't really concentrate on them. Make some choppy.
Heh, I can’t say I have a reputation of being “gentle”, but I’ll try to soften any blows I feel inclined to give.
Okay, with the first paragraph, I think you’re trying too hard to be descriptive. Not that that’s a bad thing, it just sticks out a bit and doesn’t really fit with the rest of the piece. In my opinion. Things like the moon being a “luminous full orb” just sounds like you’re trying too hard. The moon doesn’t really light the sky in our world, it more illuminates the ground. The “child at unrest” just doesn’t seem to fit. Restless sounds better to me, but you can still describe the restlessness if you wish.
I have to agree with Sam, don’t have Katherine talk to herself. Have her think those thoughts. I think it would sound better.
This may be a bit too much information, but maybe not. It’s kinda the whole “show, don’t tell” thing I keep hearing about.
I think it should be “uphold”.
All right, this sentence kinda confused me a bit. I’d go back and reread it. If it still makes sense to you, maybe reword it for the rest of us, because I read it and thought “Huh?”
After such a long paragraph, you should indicate who’s speaking.
Okay, if Celine is between the two, how can Katherine feel Taro’s heartbeat? By what your describing, the tow are next to each other, but Celine is there. Make their positions clearer.
I’m assuming Taro said this, since it was Katherine who told Taro. This should start it’s own paragraph.
Again, when switching speakers, start a new paragraph.
Her realization here seems a bit sudden.
With three people talking, you need to be clearer as to who said what.
The anger and rage seemed to start quite abruptly. Either tone down the anger or have more buildup.
I didn’t really get the point of this question. Then again, I may have just missed it.
Wow, this was pretty nice. Your characters are pretty interesting. I personally like Taro, but all three seem believable. Some parts of the wolf encounter seemed rather abrupt, like you were trying to force information into the scene, but other than that, I liked the scene. Grammatical errors were few, and for a piece this size, that’s pretty good. It isn’t an action packed opener, which most people like, but it gets you thinking early and often, which really pulls you in. I’m intrigued by the children’s story and am curious about both the horse and the wolf, who both seem to be far more than they appear. With what I’ve read and the title, I’m interested to see where you go with this. Keep this up.
Ahoy!
Instead- have her think. Italics are a good thing.
So! Perhaps a mask might be better.
I like to pick out a lot of stuff- but I'll be gentle. Just for you.
STUFF YOU DID WELL:
- I liked your spin on the 'it's only the tree outside your window' thing. Your version was much more poetic, and much more memorable. Extra points for fixing up a clichè.
- 'She asked hesitantly, paying no need to the crystalline drops that poured out of her burning eyes and descended to her pillow.' That was a beautiful line, and it stuck with me throughout the entire piece. One thing, though- 'need' should be 'heed' in this context.
- The wolf scene was absolutely awesome. You had a great sense of pacing and description with it- I could really picture the wolf, which was great since he seems to be important...
STUFF THAT COULD USE A SECOND LOOK:
- Your first paragraph was very poetic- however, the sentences need some combining to make them flow a little better. You have no problems with flow throughout the rest of the piece- which makes this bit stick out horribly.
- Why does Katherine 'tremble' when going back to her bed if the entire purpose of going to the window was to reassure herself? If she's got goosebumps, specify. If she's afraid...well, that doesn't make sense, so you're going to have to change the verb or the window scene.
- Don't have your characters talk to themselves. As with people, it's a sign of insanity- and that's not something you want in a young, trustworthy heroine.
- You have a major InfoDump going on when you're describing normalcy and superstition in Riverbrook. Instead of just flat-out telling us about it as the narrator, write it from Katherine's perspective. It's really useless information if we don't know how it relates to her or her siblings.
- Celine- when she's describing her dream- uses phrases like 'blood red' and other forms of more sophisticated description. When you're that small- four years old?- you don't know a whole lot about how to form sentences and use words, so your speech is going to be a little more bare-bones simplistic. It would also be a good touch to be able to distinguish the siblings from one another- at the moment, Celine, Katharine, and Taro all sound like the same person. Variety is good, too!
- Celine says she couldn't see the elf's face because his hood was up. This a very confusing description that a lot of fantasy writers use that I, quite frankly, don't understand. A hood has the front of it as a big hole such that the wearer can breathe- if he didn't have that hole, he would be dead elf.
- Celine sounds very grown up in the fact that she understands about 'lost years' and how she's sympathetic to Taro about not having these years. Little kids don't really have a sense of time- it's all just one big block to them. And at Celine's age, she's bound to be a little self-centered still, since she hasn't seen enough of the world for it to really click that she's only a tiny part of it. So! Either describe how she's extraordinary in this way, or tweak her speech and behavior just a little bit.
- If the inn keeper came after his family, Taro says he'd 'lick him'. This is...er...sort of confusing to us literal readers. Though, it might be an amusing sight- perhaps Taro has halitosis? Eek!- I think you mean something to the extent of 'beat him up'. Use something that's a little more kid-like and a little less down-home country.
- I'm kind of worried about Taro, too. Why? You say he's got a mischieveous personality, and yet he's really protective of his siblings. Someone who likes to cause mischief isn't often that sympathetic- or responsible. Show us how extreme a state of control he's put us in, and we'll be impressed- and get a little bit more of a look into Taro's real personality.