Published February 23, 2013
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,498 Literary Works • 672,589 Reviews
Hi there, tteele! And welcome to YWS!
Apparently these are all separate poem sketches, no connection between them? That was a nice idea to post them all and sort of see which ones people like best.
The first one didn't really make me feel anything. I didn't feel like there was something new in it, or that I'd be interested in reading more or couldn't wait to see it completed. It's just because all the imagery of it seems to me like it's been used so much it's lying ragged in some corner, or maybe the middle of the room because people still use it a lot. It's safe, but it's not particularly interesting.
Number two was pretty cool, because it felt like a teaser to the actual poem! If we compare this with the first one, I'd be much more interested in reading the whole poem. Overall, though, the non-existent rhythm made it a bit difficult to follow (like edgy instead of smooth) but I like the line "red is the color of kings".
The third one is closer to the first one again, not only in imagery but also in interestingness. "Light is the dark" is a fairly cool contradiction, but without an expansion to the idea/the rest of the poem, it isn't able to do its job properly.
Number four is probably my favourite! I immediately thought "oooooooh" when I read it. It's mysterious and pretty, and if I had to choose one of these pieces that I'd like to see as a full poem, it would be this.
The fifth one seems cool, too, but there's something about it that makes it difficult grasp... The first two lines are good and cool, but the rest of is a bit confusing for some reason. But I'm sure there's a good idea behind it all.
Hopefully this little commentary helped you a little! Happy writing!
Demeter
x
thankyou alot for your comments
Salutations. I really like these; some of the lines sound really, say, meaningful, or memorable. I only have a few corrections.
One thing I noticed was commas. For each time you used a comma, you put a space before them as well as after; a space is only needed before. For instance:
Should be
You did that a few times with other punctuation, too. Besides that, I have very few corrections.
There shouldn't be a space between "end" and the question mark or "dark" and the comma or "them" and the ellipsis. Also, I think the comma after "dark" should be a semi-colon in order to make it a complete sentence.
Here, the first line is a noun phrase, while the second starts with a verb phrase. I would suggest making them align, such as "Achieve sweet victory, or leap home to caress the wounds" or "Sweet victory, or leaping home to caress the wounds." Also, I don't exactly understand how red is the color of victory. Perhaps explain that? Or maybe it's just me.
Also, there are two comma spacing errors here.
Here there are two places with spaces before commas and one before a question mark.
Here, there are two places with spaces before commas.
"Newborns" is one word. Also, "wake-up" should be hyphenated. Also, I think you mean "about tomorrow". Also, what does "Today it's the starter" mean, exactly? I think that could be worded more strongly.
Also, here there is a space before one comma and before one question mark.
Besides that, good job, and good luck with any future poems!
haha , yes i have this thing with all my commas and periods , i like them spaced out
it really annoys other people sometimes , but i just can't help it 
but really thanks for all the advice 
Hello there! My name is Spark, and I'll be reviewing you today.
So, I'm sorry to say this is a very cliche thought. And you're not making it original by using your words. I suggest you go grab a thesaurus. Open it and just read it like a book. You have no idea how much your vocabulary would grow if you read a bit of a thesaurus every day. Or, if you're lazy (like me) you can pick a word in every sentence you write and try to replace it with a more interesting and less known word. You might not believe me, but it'll make your poem that much better because it's not held down by the mundane common vocabulary. Also, try changing the order of your words around to make them more original. Putting the word beginning before the end is how everyone does it, so why not go against the tide and but 'end' before 'beginning'? For example,
As a whole, this is my favorite one of all the pieces you've given us. It confuses me a little bit, but that's good, because that means it's original. It means I haven't read it before. I think you could improve it though. Obviously, all these poems are just bits. Not full thoughts. But that means you have to make more of an impression in a smaller frame. What about red makes it the color of kings? If you plan on continuing these poems, expand on that thought. What does pride have to do with kings and red? Are the proud people kings in their own head?
Food for thought.
This feels like a followup of the first poem. If you put them together, they'd make an okay piece. I have the same complaints with this one as the first one though. It's very cliche, very simple. Make the reader feel something, make them feel like they're learning about the dark while they're reading. Because right now, as the reader, I'm just writing it off as the same old, same old.
I think one of the things you need to learn if you plan to continue posting pieces of poems in a collection like this is that they need to have a common theme. I'm more focused on the fact that you went from talking about the dark, to pride, back to the dark and now to water than the actual pieces themselves. Also, this is my least favorite of all the pieces. It's cliche, it's about a dull topic, and I feel as if you could have made it so magical, but fell short. And as the reader, I'm sitting here thinking 'not all water is calm and cool, some is hot and rolling and boiling and so many other adjectives. Have you ever played Mad Libs? It's a wonderful game, and it's great to use to learn about adjectives and things. Go to the dollar store, and go find yourself a couple of madlibs. Play around with adjectives, try and find the most interesting words you can use. You'll find that your vocabulary really grows, and I feel like you could fix this poem. The most intriguing thing to me, was when you said that we don't know when the storm hits. I really wish you'd have expanded on that theory, because that might have saved it.
This one is really disjointed and it feels like it was written by a different person than the author that wrote the others. First of all, you had several typos and grammatical errors, which I fixed for you. As I've said with the other poems, I think the key to improving your poems is word choice. Also, I've bolded one of the lines because it really really confused me. Is the morning shouting wake up, or is the morning waking up?
It's not all bad dear, so don't get disheartened. You've got wonderful starts to poems right here, and I'm delighted you've decided to share them with us. I think if you edit them a bit and continue, they'll be absolutely fabulous.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
xxxSpark
thanks for all the advice
Hi there.
I really liked these. They're very concise, which is to say that they get a strong message across with only a few words. I especially liked the fourth poem, it kind of made me think. (That's a good thing.)
I think maybe you could pick one or two of these and expand on them. You have great ideas here, and I think that they could be really good as full poems. However, there is something special about short poems like these. Like I said, they're very concise.
Welcome to YWS, by the way
- penprincess
thankyou
yes expanding one of them would be quite an interesting thing to do , like a challenge 
i will see what i can get out of one of these little punks 