Fallen Star

Hey, Tteele,

I think you did well capturing the essence of a depressed person in this poem. It seems other reviewers have given you valuable feedback, so it doesn't make sense for me to be repetitive and point out the same minor flaws that they have. Instead, I will say that depression is a bleak area, mostly greys, some blacks, some whites, but rarely any color. Needless to say, there's a lot to it that can be described, so my suggestion to you is to expand the imagery you use to include fresh images and metaphors so that this picture of depression not only remains as something for some of us to relate to, but as something we can envision as less of a generic "I'm depressed" scenario, and more of a personal, unique experience. One thing I can say about each bout of depression is that in the midst, each bout feels worse than the last, and no two bouts are exactly the same, even in all of its bleakness. I think that moving away from more generic descriptions would do great things for this poem.

Best wishes,

June

This was so sad. I liked the symbolism. good job. Keep writing.

This was a great poem. Very mysterious and intriguing to read. I really liked it all though it was a little bit depressing :/ I still loved the poem though it created vivid imagery that I loved and It flowed nicely.





~MindBlown

Hello there!

One thing I immediately caught: To make the poem flow better, in the second stanza you could have taken out "why"
"Why can't it end?
Why can't I just hit the ground?"...so instead of this it would have sounded a bit smoother if it said this:
Why can't it end?
Can't I just hit the ground?...see? You are still asking the same thing, it just sounds nicer. Nice is good.

"Become one with the soil?
A shooting star,
we all know how this ends. " Wow..such a strong message. I love these three lines, they are probably my favorite lines throughout the entire poem. Just lovely, lovely, lovely.

Okay, in the third stanza the last line doesn't really connect. It would be lovely if you reworded it or maybe just re-did the entire last line.

Great job of using a well-known phrase in the fifth stanza, it works out great with the flow of the poem.

I am breathless, your ending was so wonderful, brilliant, extraordinary. Fantastic job! This poem was beyond wonderful.
Toodles

Just a few things:

Grammar:
I found a few mistakes such as these:
"Don't hold me back/ no more." Grammatically this should be ANY more. Also, there is an additional space between don't and hold that shouldn't be there.
"smoke and flames ," Spacing issue here.
"- my life was" Take out this dash there. It's unnecessary.

Structure:
Some of your structure here is different from stanza to stanza. It just breaks some of the flow from time to time, and depending on what you are trying to accomplish, this can be a good or bad thing.

Content:
I find that I like the comparison of a young life to a shooting star, however, it is one I have heard before. Here though, I think you did a good job of staying away from cliches. Something that I have found refreshing.

Great job. Good luck and keep writing!
~Kay

beautiful poem
i think i would have doubles spaced though
but it really was just wonderful
really hope to see more work from you(: