E - Everyone

Nature

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Wind whistling through 
the trees
being outside is the
bee's knees
Animals are scurrying 
jumping about
The deer are running
even little Scout
The water is rushing
by and by
the foxes are sneaking
sly and shy
See the car coming
'round the bend?
That mean I must bring this poem
to an end
Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
cupcakenx
Review

This poem is good. I do have a few problems with it, though.

The deer are running
even little Scout


It seems like you ran out of rhymes and didn't know what to put, so you just took a name that rhymed with 'about' and put it there. We don't know who Scout is, and we didn't know that he was shy or didn't like to run. When writing poetry, try to avoid rhyming random names.

Also:

See the car coming
'round the bend?
That mean I must bring this poem
to an end


I don't understand why you have to end the poem just because a car came around. Instead of saying "That means I must bring this poem to an end" say something about how the wildlife are scared off by the car, maybe, and how the nature around you becomes silent because of the car.

:) Good work.

User avatar
ToriLynnea
Comment

i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.

User avatar
Kaylyn
Review
Kaylyn wrote a review · Fri Apr 26, 2013 8:45 pm

Here are some technical things:
Wind whistling through
the trees [Add period]
being outside is the
bee's knees [This doesn't exactly make any sense/Add period]
Animals are scurrying [Add comma]
jumping about [Add period]
The deer are running [Add comma]
even little Scout [I'd assume he is a little deer, maybe a little out of place, you're trying to hard to ryhme]
The water is rushing
by and by
the foxes are sneaking
sly and shy [Like the last four lines]
See the car coming
'round the bend?
That mean I must bring this poem
to an end [Period]

You're a beginner I see. That's quite alright. I think you have a pretty good knack for flow; however you are trying to hard to rhyme. Some lines sound a little awkward or out of place for this reason. Try to work a little more on the grammatical side of it to. Learning the punctuation for a poem can sometimes be a beast, especially when you are just starting. Take heart, it will get better with practice, time, and taking into account people's reviews. I also found that by reviewing or looking at the poems with good reviews helped my writing style out alot when I first started. Don't give up. Keep writing!

User avatar
NicoleBri
Comment

Hey, I am Panda7 and I am here to review you. This is only my 2nd review so excuse me if some don't make since. I love the rhyme :) it is really good. I love the sounds of nature. I really dont have any nit picking to do, lol. Great job!

Thanks! It's always great to hear someone likes my work :-)



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