Published June 24, 2011
I watched my mom as she begged for money in the streets. People hardly glanced at her; after all, who was she but yet another part of the city’s humongous beggar population. And she was a cripple at that, who would want to watch a woman with two grotesque amputee legs.
I watched my mom as she hobbled on what was left of her legs and tried to catch the attention of the people. Some stopped and spared her a penny or two, others simply ignored her. I watched her hard eyes which others suspected were so because she was bereft of any emotion but I knew better. I knew that she simply was tired: tired of crying, tired of the hardships, tired of her life.
I watched when she was pushed by the throng of bus commuters, catching the bus to their monotonous jobs. I watched as she struggled to get up and no one came forward to help. Everyone with their cell phones and busy lives didn’t have a minute to spare to help my poor mother, a cripple. I watched when she looked around searching for someone in the crowd, maybe me.
But she will never see me again. Not because I don’t want to. Because I can’t. I haven't yet told you how my mother lost her legs, have I ?
A bomb had ripped through her legs and had rendered her a cripple. I can still remember Maa’s blood curling shrieks. I can still remember her screams of pain as her heart wrenched apart, as she lost everything at once. Her eyes watched me but her legs didn’t allow her to move. Tears flowed as she watched her only son burning. The same bomb which had taken her legs, also killed her son, me.
If I would have been here maybe things would have been better. I could have taken care of my mother. She wouldn't have had to beg. But I am not here. Even if I am, I can only watch my mother struggle. Only watch. Watch .. Watch .. Watch !
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138,281 Literary Works • 672,096 Reviews
wow. You write with some really impressive maturity, and your choice of language and your use of it is something I really don't think you should change - scratch that, I don't want you to change it. It's beautiful! It could be longer, but I think you express everything you need to express in this little piece, and maybe elongating it is unnecessary.
All I'm going to do - as per my role as Grammar Perfectionist - is make some suggestions (please note that: suggestions) as to how I would improve it, my personal opinion. What I suggest will be in bold and red, what I would delete in blue
Maybe at the end there, take out the "did I?" and have like "I haven't yet told you how my mother lost her legs." Or something...
But yeah. I thought this was brilliant, and it will haunt me
~*cottonrulz*~
It's a decent story, some genuine points of emotion break in through the story of the mom. I feel the story is both too short and too long in that were never given enough detail to get a true grasp of what transpires be it how the bomb fell, what it and mom looked like, why life was like beforehand. I also felt it was ether manipulative in the final moments. The lack of hints to the fact that the chil is dead I read too many shories that throw in twists and expect an emotional reaction from the reader.
I don't feel it was intentional though. Overall the story and voice are quite strong, unique dare I say. The focus on developing this outside character through the eye of another is a style I love to employ in my own work and I respect anyone who attempts this.
Focus on the grammar as well as the person below me said, but it's a case of more detail, less filler, and the story will be even stronger for it. Good job and good luck!
Grammar is what you need to go over for this piece.
And watch out with using so many adjectives. Yes I know they make the piece seem longer and more descriptive, especially when the big words are brought out, but they can also make the piece too over descriptive. I have troubles with that as well, so I have a knack for pointing it out.
You add words where they aren't needed. Some places could be summoned up and simplified.
Other places could be given more details. I think you should stretch the story on a little more to describe what exactly happened. You sum it up too quickly after explaining what happened to the mother.
Other than these things, this piece was beautiful. And very touching as well.
Great job,
-Brie
Hi,
This was immensly beautiful, but it would have been even more so if it was longer. There were very few grammar mistakes, but they were there. I believe I saw at least one spelling mistake. I congradulate you on a job well done!
Farewell,
A.
It's a good short story. I think it could have been better if you had added more detail, or maybe why they got hit by a bomb? Or is part of your idea for the story that people don't know? The part where you describe all the people ignoring her was good, touching and sad.
very touching................heartbreaking, poignant story.....i loved the plot.......it would be more beautiful if you can make the story a little more longer