I saw her under a canapé of white satin; from it was the only light in the whole park. I saw her dancing under the stars twirling, spinning around and around like a spinning top when set upon the ground. Her eyes were full of danger, mystery, and curiosity. Her eyes were longing, bidding me to come closer. I was but a fish hooked by her gaze, a moth drawn to the light in her eyes. She tried to hide her shy but Beautiful smile. Her lips were as red roses, gently, delicately, perfectly placed. I yearned for just one kiss so I might feel her petal like lips on mine. Her hair was like curls of gold, shining as if silk, and as soft as velvet.
We danced under the moon for only our pleasure. As we danced the starts in the sky seemed to dance along with us, sparkling and twinkling to the sound of music and laughter. She was graceful, were I had none. She was talented were I was not. She didn’t know. She didn’t know I had given her my heart. She didn’t know she was the only thing that mattered to me now. She didn’t know. She didn’t know.
She left with the morning light. Her eyes closed, lips tightly sealed. Across the sea she sailed into the rising sun. She drifted away on a ship bound for the Golden Shore. Bound far from the docks she sailed from.
I still see her from time to time, now and then. She resides on the corner of Weston and Tenth. There for all to see. With the Granite Angle watching over her, she is forever innocent. She is forever pure. She is forever and eternally at peace….and eternally at peace.
Argh. Nevermind... apparently reviews mean something. So sorry!
Hi! I really like the idea of this piece, though it's a tad bit cliche, especially in the beginning. There are some sentence fragments and other grammatical errors scattered here and there. I'm going to review paragraph by paragraph. The space between a period and the next word is a little off-putting, but I'm going to assume that it's an error from copy and pasting.
I don't really understand the first sentence. I think I'm missing the metaphor that canapé is involved in, but the structure is confusing. Are you saying that she was under the canapé? How do you mean this? Then, the whole "from it was..." thing is confusing. I can't really articulate it, but reread this sentence and you'll figure it out. The descriptions are nice, but a little overused.
I like the repetition of "She didn't know" in the second paragraph. There are a few spelling mistakes in this paragraph.
The repetition in the third paragraph results in a sentence fragment that just sounds awkward. I do like the metaphor you use here, with the ship and her leaving you. The two sentence fragments before "Where I could not follow" sound alright, but you might want to rethink them.
The last sentence in the last paragraph "...and eternally at peace" isn't necessary. I like the rest of it very much, though!
So, remember that these are just my suggestions and you don't have to take them if you don't want to. I really like your piece; more so in the end than in the beginning. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
Thank you for you suggestions and i know my grammar and spelling is far from the greatest. But as far as the repetition goes many great poems have this to better drive home the point they want you to under stand.
Yes she is under a canape. "from it was the only light in the park." meaning that there was no other lights other then under this canape. thus making her look more angelic her self. A light in the darkness if you will.
"where I could not follow ..." is just stressing how she died and when to "heaven" and he could not go with her.
I appreciate all constructive cretinism and welcome it so I can improve my writing skills.
Thanks
Oops... forgot to hit the checkbox for my review, so it's in the comments.
Hi! I really like the idea of this piece, though it's a tad bit cliche, especially in the beginning. There are some sentence fragments and other grammatical errors scattered here and there. I'm going to review paragraph by paragraph. The space between a period and the next word is a little off-putting, but I'm going to assume that it's an error from copy and pasting.
I don't really understand the first sentence. I think I'm missing the metaphor that canapé is involved in, but the structure is confusing. Are you saying that she was under the canapé? How do you mean this? Then, the whole "from it was..." thing is confusing. I can't really articulate it, but reread this sentence and you'll figure it out. The descriptions are nice, but a little overused.
I like the repetition of "She didn't know" in the second paragraph. There are a few spelling mistakes in this paragraph.
The repetition in the third paragraph results in a sentence fragment that just sounds awkward. I do like the metaphor you use here, with the ship and her leaving you. The two sentence fragments before "Where I could not follow" sound alright, but you might want to rethink them.
The last sentence in the last paragraph "...and eternally at peace" isn't necessary. I like the rest of it very much, though!
So, remember that these are just my suggestions and you don't have to take them if you don't want to. I really like your piece; more so in the end than in the beginning. Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
an art that seems to show many that whatever emotion can be made a hardcopy
I'm not sure I understand your comment???
Amazing, luscious, sultry, like the gentle moon's midnight glow. I felt drawn into your writing, the gentle words sucked me in and lulled me to bliss. Keep on writing, you have a wonderful talent.
This makes me sad
but its good:) It reminds my of the LOTR movies, (I haven't read the books lol) With the wording and the way you put things together it gives me a magical feeling. Yet the reality in it is still there. Like I feel almost as though its someone dreaming, like reliving a moment but through a dream aspect. I can almost hear like, a haunting, mourning, Celtic song. Anyway....awesome.....^_^